Friday, December 24, 2010

More Crap You'll Find On My Desktop... Part Whatever

Looking at my stats, whenever I do one of these blog posts, they consistently get more views than regular posts.  I think it's the nosy, curious side of people that just want to see what the heck is kept on someone's desktop... other than themselves.  It's probably the same thing that causes your eyes to drift to the house at night that's all lit up with the drapes wide open, or maybe what causes you to crane your neck when you pass a wreck on the highway.

Actually, it's probably real close to the later there.

Anyhow, a collection of crap on my desktop of things that are important to me for whatever reason, or just something that I thought needed to be snagged as I cruised past them on the big ol' wide open internets.   I give you, in no particular order.... Crap On My Desktop.

Click anything you deem worthy of seeing in all it's bigness.  Please.  










 
Ahhh... the next one, the gal on the right is Sally from a few years ago.  *sigh*....







A road sign, in the absolute middle of nowhere up by our farm that was desecrated with some of the most creative tagging ever.  It made me laugh like a jackass.



Pardon me while I flash around my "big gun".



We've spent a lot of time in doctor's offices lately it seems.  There's just not a whole lot to do while sitting there in a room all alone... I mean after rifling through all the cabinets and drawers and blowing up latex gloves and stuff.   I got you a picture of a poster.  It's real sophomoric but what the hell eh?  Heinous Anus, that'd make a good band name.








Here kitty kitty...



And finally, 2 chicks that seem prepared.








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Monday, December 20, 2010

Deck The Friggin' Walls With Bowels Of Molly

 Last night Sal and I were home alone, we do our best work then, and decided to throw the tree in the house and hang stuff all over it.  So we did.  I hacked around on it til the bottom looked like it was a leper, with a pair of pruning shears... 'cause they were handy.   Sal started hanging lights on it whilst I scampered off to the kitchen to make some delicious Christmas decorating beverages meant for adults only.

Wanna see some of our prized ornaments?   Heck yeah you do!  I took the job of untangler, and paparazzi fool.

First, a man's ornament.  It's pretty incredible, so life-ded-like in a tiny minature way.  Deer skull with horns.






I've got more!!

The red bird made family famous in a video from 12 years ago.






Oh and you want the video?  Peruse at your leisure.  Jake woulda been about 11 or 12.  I had no gray hair.  It was magic.









Incredible eh?

Two little personalized guitars.  They really play!!! 

No they don't.


I went all apeshit one year and actually made some ornaments.  I almost lost interest before I started, hence they instantly became collectibles because of the limited production.



They're made of gen-u-ine tree wood.  Rare in some parts of the world.

The star of Dave, enhanced with dog chewing.


Santa made from a shotgun shell.. cause we're hillbilly sonofaguns and we love having our Christmas decorations shot right outta the freakin' gun, Bubba.  I dunno what happened to his eye but it gives him kind of an edgy, pissed off Santa look.



And of course the rare and elusive Glitter Gun from a few years ago.  It's front and center.  Damned straight buddy roe!






Lookit Sally in her big ol' Santa hat!!    Cute as a nest of baby coons under the front porch!


And of course the traditional drink of choice and habit and ritual here at Christmas... The Homewrecker.

Cowguy's Homewrecker:

Your standard 12 oz glass, chipped rim optional.
A handful of ice cubes.
Cheap Mexican Coffee Bean Liqueur... 3 big shots
Cheap Brandy, preferably in a plastic bottle... 2 big shots
Top off the the glass with store brand Half and Half.
Stir it with your finger and prepare yourself.  It's like drinking candy.






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Tuesday, December 14, 2010

There Are Days It's Really Hard To Be Suave And Debonaire

Yesterday morning I came in the house from the shop and ran into Sally in the office... had a little huggy, kissy face moment.  It was nice, just kinda standing there.  She whispers into my neck...

Sally: You know this morning when you crawled back in bed and cuddled up close and kissed me?

Me:  Yeah. That was nice huh.

Sally:  You smelled like farts and toothpaste.

Me:  ..........



It's hard to move on from that moment.







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Saturday, December 11, 2010

Cher and Kentucky Fried Chicken

I'm sorry (not really) but I've been noticing things again.  I've tried to stop this nonsense, but I swear on Kirstie Alley's dinner roll, I can't.  What have I noticed this past week?  Ah, oh, ahhh readers of this fine blogatilia... plenty.

I noticed that all those fine folks down under in the land of kangaroos and Dundees and Quigleys, love them some KFC.  I mean REALLY love that crispy, deep fat fried, mouth watering chicken flesh of ill repute.   You wanna know how much they love it?  They love it so much you can buy a $500 dollar gift card to the cardiac arrest of your choice.

I'm not shittin' you one instant.   I copied and pasted this from their website

Loading Value onto Your KFC Gift Card.
You can load a dollar value on the KFC Gift Card by using a credit card, debit card or cash at any participating KFC location.  You may not load more than $500 worth of value to your KFC Gift Card.  The minimum amount that must be loaded onto your KFC Gift Card is $10.00.  KFC may change the maximum and minimum amounts at any time by notifying you at the point of sale, by phone when you call, or on the KFC Queensland website (www.kfcqld.com.au).

Now how in the name of anal oil leakage can you eat $500 worth of that stuff.  I mean, come on man. 

Okay I've also noticed that Cher has become a walking talking plastic "love doll" thing.   I stumbled across this pic of her and Christine or Christina whatshername.  Eh heck... you don't wanna see Christina whatshername... so just Cher.


There's just a whole lot wrong with this whole thing.  Biggest and most noticeable is that rubbery face thing.  Cher is 64.  That don't look right and that don't match that hand skin much at all and speaking of matching... I photoshopped out a couple of things to make this a little gentler for all eyes... but what the hell went haywire with that ninny placement in that last boob job? 

Good God it looks like they're in orbit.

Wait!!  Here's one of those Japanese Real Doll things that cost more than a KFC gift card.  This thing looks more real than the current Cher.  I mean it.  (by the way you can also buy a manly version of this.... frankly I'm damaged just from stealing this picture offa their website)


I was coming home down the highway the other day and I noticed a van in front of me going down the road at a pretty steep angle.  It looked like an old hound dog that had just caught a load of rock salt out of a 12 gauge and it's hind end was trying to pass it's front end.


Of course I had to pass it 'cause it looked like that drivers side back wheel was gonna go the same way as Cher's tweeters.  That's when I noticed the real problems this old boy had.


Great Scott!  I never saw anything quite so caved in and all the mud all over the thing was nice and fresh as was that glued in foam back window.  But the goober driving it seemed happy enough.  Waved at me as I passed him. 

I bet that was a heckuva ride.


I'm through noticing things now.





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Friday, December 10, 2010

It's All About The Caulk

So I was in the local hardware store the other day... I'm in there a lot.  All the employees know me and It's always a meeting place of other guys that hang out in hardware stores too much, so it usually is a social trip as well.  

Good Lord that sounds dorky.

It is...

Anyhow I had a small puddle of miscellaneous stuff on the counter, some steel wool, a couple of furnace filters and other stuff that I don't remember, and... a tube of caulk.   So I'm paying and for whatever reason I usually end up with this same kid at the cash register.  He's a good kid, always pleasant with me and takes abuse well. :-)   He bags up all my stuff except the tube of caulk.  He's just standing there with it in his hands, smiling at me.

I stand there and look at him until he gets a little nervous with his cute little prank he's laid out and I lean across the counter and say in a low voice.  "You know pal, I'm not gonna say "give me the caulk".  You know that's not gonna happen don't you?"  His smile gets a little nervous. 

He's stuck.  Still holding the caulk.  So all that was left was for me to say, in a VERY loud voice, "LET GO OF MY CAULK!"

He virtually threw it at me, looking over his shoulder at the managers booth and whispered frantically "The district manager is here today!" 

Me:  "You have a nice day there Mr. Caulkinheimer".

I may order him one of these.  It's Christmas you know.










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Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Zombies, Christmas And A Woman I Love

So... I may get a little sappy with this post, but it'll be personal and y'all can crane your necks into my little window of life and I won't slam it shut on the back of your head or nuthin'.   Climb into the Cowguy time machine and we'll roll on back to 1998, that would be the year that Sally moved to Missouri... and we fell in love.

Now the woman that I love in this particular post isn't Sally.  *big giant intertubal group gasp from around the world*  It's another woman.  Yes.  See when Sal moved here she brought 3 kids with her.  One of those kids is the one this is about... our daughter Nicky.  It's never easy melding 2 families, this one was no exception, but I think (get in real close here)... I think Nicky loved me from the start.

I cinched it though, that first Christmas of 98.

Here, here's a pic from that year.  I played Santa for something or another... that's Nicky, 16 years old, sitting there on Santa's lap.



I didn't cinch it by playing Santa though.  Let's get a little background about my taste in music right at this point.  As I've mellowed with time, my taste in music has become rather diverse.  To be honest I'll listen to about anything except Polka and if I'm good and loaded, hell fire... I'll give it a go too.   Nicky learned to love classic rock thru some of my input, and inversely, I learned to love a lot of what she listened to.

About 2 weeks before Christmas Nicky and I took off by ourselves to go Christmas shopping, I still remember parts of the day like it was yesterday.  We had a blast.  Anyway, Rob Zombie had left White Zombie and had come out with his then new album Hellbilly Deluxe....


... perfect Christmas album, eh?  Nicky wanted this album pretty bad.  Sally wouldn't go for it.  I dunno, maybe all the Satan bullshit on the album cover etc etc influenced that.  But me?  I just looked at it as "show".  I was an Alice Cooper fan back before it was cool in the day.  Rob was just more of that... but with a driving techno beat and a nice mix of metal.  

I bought it for her that day and figured that I'd just deal with Sally's unhappiness with what I'd done later on... cause that's what men do.  That's what "I" did.  We rocked out that whole day with that CD playing.  

I cinched the deal.  I became cool. 

I can't begin to tell you how much joy and love this girl has brought into my life.  She means the world to me.  I've learned from her, and she from me.  

Smartass comes pretty easy around here.  Nicky has smoothed it down like hot pudding.  When Jake was little he raced go-karts.  This pic is from a race somewhere and he's posing with his then patented somber racing face...very serious and everything.  That's Nicky and I photo bombing him like maniacs behind him.






And from a couple of weeks ago she's telling me that I'm number one....





...and from that same weekend where she just has "kickass" wrote all over her with that AR-15 and those boots.





 ...and probably my favorite pic of her ever.   She's the Mom of 3 of her own now, and is doing it up perfectly.   That's her youngest with her.





And in the end folks... sometimes you just need to stop and tell those that you love, just how much you DO love them.  Life is short and the train runs fast.

I love you with all my heart Nicky.
XOXO

J.





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Sunday, December 5, 2010

It's Not All About Loud Noisy Sax...

  Call it the adolescent tendencies or some old guy.  Blame it on wanton snickering from the corner of the room... or just go with the toe tapping goodness of The Treniers and their not so chart screaming hit "Poontang".   I dunno the date on this but it's 1950 something, which is really what makes it rock. :-)



video


Now see?  That's a happy change from non-stop Rockin Around The Christmas Tree.

Pooooon TANG!



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Friday, December 3, 2010

Like A Handless, Legless Ultimate Fighter...

Just because I've been on the blog wagon doesn't mean I haven't been jackin' stuff into my blogafila hidey hole.  Oh no, I've got a plenty!

For instance, this little news article.  I did a screen shot of this thing back in the summer 'cause it just reeks of everything that you couldn't really make up.  Most importantly it deals with "deadly nubs".  Please note, I am not making fun of amputees.  No I'm not.  It's not right making fun of the less fortunate when they really don't have a leg to stand on for their own defense... but this little lovers quarrel, kids... it writes itself.

Click it to make it life sized.






Oh and here, I made y'all something to go with today's theme.





Have a great weekend!





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