Saturday, January 22, 2011

Rotten Ronnie's Got Some Big Nuggets

Driving by ol' Rotten Ronnies today and I noticed that they're real proud to offer you a 50 count load of McNuggets for $9.99. 

That's known as Dinner For Two down at the trailer park for Jr. and his old lady Wanda.

And that "Party"?  It'll be a bring your own Rolaids and toilet paper type of affair.


Tuesday, January 18, 2011

How I Almost Fell In Love With A Chinese Girl Named Janet.

Okay so I was wanting a new pickup/pre-amp dual feed setup for my Martin guitar... cause the old one sucks like a carp on your ninny down at the old swimmin' hole.  I got this Fishman Prefix Premium S.O.B. (the actual model name... that kinda kicks ass huh?) all picked out but the dollars were a little steep for my wallet... around $400 bones.  I went to Ebay and did some searching and found about a half dozen of 'em from a seller in China.  Now I've bought a few things direct from China, never had a problem, so I wasn't too concerned with the fact that it was located way over there.... and it was $160 bucks.

Now I'm always a little amused that when I deal with anyone overseas, they plaster themselves with an American name.  "Janet" made me laugh out loud.  The Chengrish emails that Janet and I started exchanging on a daily basis were the highlight of my mornings for almost a month and a half.

I saved all of the emails, I'll give you some highlights.

hi there
thanks for your email for us
since you are interested in this item XXXXXXXXXXX
we 'dlike to offer you $161 inclduing shipping for one set of Fishman.S.O.B preamp byu regsiter mail
any further needs welcome to contact us again

Okay so this is going pretty well so far.  Janet communicates.

hi there,
payment already been received,and we ship it for you into next 24 hours.
please don't worry.
best regards

The "please don't worry" soon became a reoccurring theme in our emails, that always made me smile.  Along about 3 weeks into it, I sent an email a little concerned about where my 160 dollars had gone.  Janet replied back.

hi there,
thanks for you contacting us with the problem. your order was shipped out on Nov-29-10 to this address:
edited out
the tracking number for you to use: XXXXXXXXXXX
please check package:
shipment take about 14 ~ 21 business days for international package. now is also the special time, as the christmas day is coming, there are lots of packages waiting for custom clearance and delivery for the united states america
could you please be more patient and wait for another few days?
your understanding will be much appreciated.

please don't worry.
best regards

You darn tootin, this also special time. lol

So 'bout Jan 3 or 4 I send Janet another email telling her/him that it still ain't here and we need to do something else.  Janet turns things over to "Cherry". 

I'm overwhelmed with mirth.

I am sorry for that.
You need me to resend DHL or EMS?  If yes, you send me USD$22 for splitting shipping
cost. Package arrive to
you in 5 or 8 days.
best regards,

I reply to sweet little Cherry that I'm not sending anymore dough and that they need to take care of the problem.
Janet replies back.  They're tag teaming me like a Mexican Rasslin' match now.

hi there
thanks for your email
sorry for later shipment
now , you need we re-send this SOB for you ?
(LOL re-send this SOB kills me)
please don't be afraid, we start using ebay shippingtool system on 30,December. which have contract EMS, every transaction be automatically produced a barcode address. 
before that, we don't have transaction record on ebay site. 
best regards,

Okay... ol' Janet kinda lost me towards the end there.  But I decided that playing along was best and just let 'em send that SOB to me again. 
Well to make a long story a little shorter, today... January 18th, the first one arrived.  I don't really know what happens to a package that makes it look like this, but I was pretty well laughin my butt off when I saw it.

Awesome eh?

What was amazing is that the fairly delicate electronics looked to be in pretty decent shape... I ain't laying no bets if they work or not.  Before I got hacking a hole in the guitar, I think it might be prudent to wire 'em up and see if everything really works. :-)

Please don't worry....


Tuesday, January 4, 2011

It's Over. What Happened In The Restroom, and Organ Transplants.

The holidays are over.  Praise baby Jesus.  With everything that took place between Thanksgiving and New Years... holy cats.  Everyone is gone from our place 'cept for me and Sally, it's been a rotation of family, friends, ner' do wells and etc for weeks now.

Last weekend was the last weasel strangled and it was a fun one.  Some of the kids were here, our grand daughter Emma celebrates her birthday on New Years Day so we had a party for her.  Some friends of ours got married on the same day at 1 pm... you know 01.01.11 at 1.  I was the best man and it was a hoot.  Real small service with just close friends and family.  My daughter Nicky did the photog work for 'em and she sent me this today with "This is just disturbing to me... and I think it's illegal to actually grab your junk in church."

Mark and I go waaaaay back and we've kicked a lotta turds around the yard over the years.  I was honored he asked me.

Anyhow with the end of the festivities I'm giving my liver a break.  It's kinda been like "make that bastard fight for the right to live inside this handsome hunk of man". 

It screamed Uncle.

Okay so yesterday, we were in town and I needed to visit the potty.  We were in the local farm and home store and I beelined it back there.  Folks.  I have no idea on earth what had transpired in there before I arrived but it was bad.  How bad?  For want of a better description it smelled like someone had ate a decaying donkey and then carried it around inside of 'em for a week and then shat it all out in one fell swoop.  It was one of the most ghastly things that ever entered my lungs.

I had to go pretty bad.  I stepped back out and looked around on the nearest shelves for something to spray in there... starting fluid, WD-40, livestock spray... anything to mask the odor.  Nothing.  I re-entered the fetidity and gagged.  Back out.  Tearfully I jogged back outta the store.

What the hell makes something that already smells bad... smell like that?  Seriously.  I thought about calling 911 and just having the EMT's frisk every farmer in there to see if one of 'em was the walking dead.