Sawdust and Cowpies

You Wanna Do What?

2011-03-10T22:45:00.000-06:00

I've been at this now for a few posts and already I'm starting to wonder "WTF" at a few questions... This next one. fits. that. category.

"Some Weirdo" writes...

Dear Cowguy,

Please advise me as to the best way to murder someone so I don't get caught.
Signed,
Alleging I am just trying to come up with a mystery plot for a new book I am writing.

Well ho-lee crap. I may have received a question that I'm unqualified for. "Alleging" that you are *cough* writing a mystery plot for a book *cough*, I'm gonna give this a shot.

LOL did you see that? "give this a SHOT!" My goodness I kill myself. LOL did you see THAT? Kill myself!!!! LOL I'm just digging this hole deeper an....... DIGGING THIS HOLE!!! LOL I'm dying!!! DYING!!!!!!

oH Craaaapppppp i aa.asa justtttttttttttttttt.. ala;lsi sucked a jellllllllly baean dwn my wwwwindpipe..

*thud*

Weirdos.... sheesh

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My Ex Is An Asshat

2011-03-07T18:40:00.000-06:00

Okay this one is from Choking in Chicago...

Dear Cowguy,

My ex is an asshat who chronically hurts my daughter's feelings with his "jokes". I routinely tell the asshat that his jokes are not funny and hurt the 14 year old's feelings, but it doesn't help and he refuses to see that what he is doing is hurtful and destructive. Barring leaving flaming bags of dog poo on his doorstep, what can I do to slap some sense into the asshat?

Well... it takes a real special type to continually hurt anyone's feelings, let alone it being their own offspring... and by "special" of course I'm referring to the type of lowlife that is lower than whale dung in the Mariana Trench. Also it's obvious to me, and to most folks with at least 2/3 of a brain, that what might be considered funny to an adult is sometimes horrendous to a teenager. For crying out loud, if there was ever an age group with enough burden of the world bearing on their shoulders, it would be the 13-18 year old category. A kid doesn't need anything added to the problems of hormones changing like Joan Rivers current facial structure.

If this were my daughter, (and I have had a situation very closely aligned with this) I would tell her that when the Ol Sperm Donor calls up and says something that is hurtful to her... just hang up. Just like that. Don't answer when he calls back that day. Start the next day off fresh, and if he does it again... hang up. At 14 she's old enough to realize immediately that her feelings have been hurt but not sure enough of herself to have the courage to just hang up the phone. That's gonna be your job. Let her know that it's "okay" to do that and that you'll back her decision to just do it.

If he's a little on the dolty side, and I suspect that he is... it may take a few of these episodes for him to catch on, but if he wants to talk to his daughter, he's gonna have to learn to treat her with the respect that she deserves.

Your other choice is to just hire me. See I specialize in "public embarrassment" and have some very... gifted abilities to shake the chicken shit outta most anyone. :-)

I'm cheap. You have my email address... and my phone. I accept Paypal and small arms ammunition as payment.

The Boss Is An Ass

2011-03-01T20:10:00.003-06:00

Oh boy, my first question... and I'm as excited as a 16 year old school boy going to the dance with the girl with the biggest doo dads in the Jr. class.

I am! Really!

Monkey On My Back in Michigan writes....

"Dear Cowguy,

How do I tell my boss he's an ass without getting fired?"

Well... see, you've thrown a wrench in the works here 'cause you don't wanna lose your job while telling the big boss man that he needs to join Jerkaholics Anonymous. The secret to making a plan to work in a situation like this can be found with one word.

Anonymity.

My first gut feeling would be to sneak into his home in the dark of night wearing a Satan mask, wake him up with "You're doing a great job for me Bob, treating your employees like crap... everything is looking up for me seeing you in Hell, buddy." Then I'd pee in his sink and leave.

Some of that flashy powder stuff to toss out in the room as you leave would be a nice touch.

There's a chance you could get shot doing this and being as how you're not the real Satan, you're probably not bullet proof. So... you can play this however you want.

The more logical solution would be directly, without the benefit of anonymity. The next time that he pulls his crap, just fold your hands (body language speaks volumes), look him directly in the eye and tell him that you ARE a good employee, you're doing your job and have for years, and what he's just said is unfair and hurtful, and never break eye contact. He's gonna get real uncomfortable and you've done nothing that would jeopardize your job.

Then, at the end of the day, while you're walking to your car... kick the tail lights outta his Beemer. That little gift is just for you.

I hope this helps you out with that jerkwater asshat.

Cowguy

Email me with your questions about anything on earth. I have the answer. It's true.

So Here It Is... The New And Improved Sawdust & Cowpies

2011-02-27T15:12:00.001-06:00

Truth is folks, I "think" I became a little bored with the whole blogging thing. As near as I can tell I'd just hit a wall and as bored as I possibly was, I still wanted to do it. With a little impetus earlier in the week from a friend, it got the wheels churning with what it (the blog) could evolve into.

Frankly, I don't know what corner of my brain this whole farmboy advice format crawled out of, but praise Jesus it got out. It was causing parts of my personal being to cramp up uncomfortably.

If you've got troubles, and I'm talking about ANYTHING... I feel very qualified to help you out. Now bear in mind it might not be the answer you're looking for and above all, there's a good possibility that it's gonna be an "improper" answer. But by golly, it's gonna be an answer. If it helps you there's no charge. If it's a complete failure, there's no charge. It's freeeeeeeeee!

Everything will be discreet, your name or email address won't appear on here anywhere. I promise. If what your problem concerns needs a picture for better description... say a nasty skin disorder or a snake in your underwear drawer, include a picture.

I'll kinda pick and choose from emails (hopefully enough roll in and this whole concept crawls around the internets) and answers might be a bit delayed if a lot roll in.

So, how's it sound? Totally incredible?

Yes. It does, doesn't it?

Fire away Friends, Romans and Country Fried Steaks!

The Cowguy

PS. All content from the old Sawdust and Cowpies stays as she lays. ;-)
PSS Thanks to my daughter Nicky for the new banner. It rocks, she rocks.

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I'm Working on Something Here...

2011-02-23T18:29:00.000-06:00

Yes. I am not amongst the dead quite yet. It's been close once or twice.

Mostly I got a little kick in the jump starter this morning and whilst I was on the road today the ol' Cowguy wheels were churning and spinning and grinding and squealing and making all sorts of shitty noises. I'm surprised you didn't hear. Anyhow I think I may re-invent Sawdust and Cowpies into something more than it is, which lately has been hordes of nothing.

What pray tell? Audience participation.

Let me think this out a bit. Okay?

Okay.

Oh and this pic has nothing to do with anything. It's awesome, isn't it?

Later... and soon.
J.

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Rotten Ronnie's Got Some Big Nuggets

2011-01-22T21:04:00.001-06:00

Driving by ol' Rotten Ronnies today and I noticed that they're real proud to offer you a 50 count load of McNuggets for $9.99.

That's known as Dinner For Two down at the trailer park for Jr. and his old lady Wanda.

And that "Party"? It'll be a bring your own Rolaids and toilet paper type of affair.

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How I Almost Fell In Love With A Chinese Girl Named Janet.

2011-01-18T20:00:00.000-06:00

Okay so I was wanting a new pickup/pre-amp dual feed setup for my Martin guitar... cause the old one sucks like a carp on your ninny down at the old swimmin' hole. I got this Fishman Prefix Premium S.O.B. (the actual model name... that kinda kicks ass huh?) all picked out but the dollars were a little steep for my wallet... around $400 bones. I went to Ebay and did some searching and found about a half dozen of 'em from a seller in China. Now I've bought a few things direct from China, never had a problem, so I wasn't too concerned with the fact that it was located way over there.... and it was $160 bucks.

Now I'm always a little amused that when I deal with anyone overseas, they plaster themselves with an American name. "Janet" made me laugh out loud. The Chengrish emails that Janet and I started exchanging on a daily basis were the highlight of my mornings for almost a month and a half.

I saved all of the emails, I'll give you some highlights.

hi there
thanks for your email for us
since you are interested in this item XXXXXXXXXXX
we 'dlike to offer you $161 inclduing shipping for one set of Fishman.S.O.B preamp byu regsiter mail
any further needs welcome to contact us again
regards
janet

Okay so this is going pretty well so far. Janet communicates.

hi there,
payment already been received,and we ship it for you into next 24 hours.
please don't worry.
best regards
janet

The "please don't worry" soon became a reoccurring theme in our emails, that always made me smile. Along about 3 weeks into it, I sent an email a little concerned about where my 160 dollars had gone. Janet replied back.

hi there,
thanks for you contacting us with the problem. your order was shipped out on Nov-29-10 to this address:edited out
the tracking number for you to use: XXXXXXXXXXX
please check package: www.usps.com
shipment take about 14 ~ 21 business days for international package. now is also the special time, as the christmas day is coming, there are lots of packages waiting for custom clearance and delivery for the united states america
could you please be more patient and wait for another few days?
your understanding will be much appreciated.
please don't worry.
best regards
janet

You darn tootin, this also special time. lol

So 'bout Jan 3 or 4 I send Janet another email telling her/him that it still ain't here and we need to do something else. Janet turns things over to "Cherry".

I'm overwhelmed with mirth.

I am sorry for that.
You need me to resend DHL or EMS? If yes, you send me USD$22 for splitting shipping
cost. Package arrive to
you in 5 or 8 days.
best regards,
Cherry

I reply to sweet little Cherry that I'm not sending anymore dough and that they need to take care of the problem.
Janet replies back. They're tag teaming me like a Mexican Rasslin' match now.

hi there

thanks for your email

sorry for later shipment

now , you need we re-send this SOB for you ?

(LOL re-send this SOB kills me)

please don't be afraid, we start using ebay shippingtool system on 30,December. which have contract EMS, every transaction be automatically produced a barcode address.

before that, we don't have transaction record on ebay site.

best regards,

janet

Okay... ol' Janet kinda lost me towards the end there. But I decided that playing along was best and just let 'em send that SOB to me again.

Well to make a long story a little shorter, today... January 18th, the first one arrived. I don't really know what happens to a package that makes it look like this, but I was pretty well laughin my butt off when I saw it.

Awesome eh?

What was amazing is that the fairly delicate electronics looked to be in pretty decent shape... I ain't laying no bets if they work or not. Before I got hacking a hole in the guitar, I think it might be prudent to wire 'em up and see if everything really works. :-)

Please don't worry....

It's Over. What Happened In The Restroom, and Organ Transplants.

2011-01-04T19:46:00.000-06:00

The holidays are over. Praise baby Jesus. With everything that took place between Thanksgiving and New Years... holy cats. Everyone is gone from our place 'cept for me and Sally, it's been a rotation of family, friends, ner' do wells and etc for weeks now.

Last weekend was the last weasel strangled and it was a fun one. Some of the kids were here, our grand daughter Emma celebrates her birthday on New Years Day so we had a party for her. Some friends of ours got married on the same day at 1 pm... you know 01.01.11 at 1. I was the best man and it was a hoot. Real small service with just close friends and family. My daughter Nicky did the photog work for 'em and she sent me this today with "This is just disturbing to me... and I think it's illegal to actually grab your junk in church."

Mark and I go waaaaay back and we've kicked a lotta turds around the yard over the years. I was honored he asked me.

Anyhow with the end of the festivities I'm giving my liver a break. It's kinda been like "make that bastard fight for the right to live inside this handsome hunk of man".

It screamed Uncle.

Okay so yesterday, we were in town and I needed to visit the potty. We were in the local farm and home store and I beelined it back there. Folks. I have no idea on earth what had transpired in there before I arrived but it was bad. How bad? For want of a better description it smelled like someone had ate a decaying donkey and then carried it around inside of 'em for a week and then shat it all out in one fell swoop. It was one of the most ghastly things that ever entered my lungs.

I had to go pretty bad. I stepped back out and looked around on the nearest shelves for something to spray in there... starting fluid, WD-40, livestock spray... anything to mask the odor. Nothing. I re-entered the fetidity and gagged. Back out. Tearfully I jogged back outta the store.

What the hell makes something that already smells bad... smell like that? Seriously. I thought about calling 911 and just having the EMT's frisk every farmer in there to see if one of 'em was the walking dead.

Criminy.

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More Crap You'll Find On My Desktop... Part Whatever

2010-12-24T15:17:00.000-06:00

Looking at my stats, whenever I do one of these blog posts, they consistently get more views than regular posts. I think it's the nosy, curious side of people that just want to see what the heck is kept on someone's desktop... other than themselves. It's probably the same thing that causes your eyes to drift to the house at night that's all lit up with the drapes wide open, or maybe what causes you to crane your neck when you pass a wreck on the highway.

Actually, it's probably real close to the later there.

Anyhow, a collection of crap on my desktop of things that are important to me for whatever reason, or just something that I thought needed to be snagged as I cruised past them on the big ol' wide open internets. I give you, in no particular order.... Crap On My Desktop.

Click anything you deem worthy of seeing in all it's bigness. Please.

Ahhh... the next one, the gal on the right is Sally from a few years ago. *sigh*....

A road sign, in the absolute middle of nowhere up by our farm that was desecrated with some of the most creative tagging ever. It made me laugh like a jackass.

Pardon me while I flash around my "big gun".

We've spent a lot of time in doctor's offices lately it seems. There's just not a whole lot to do while sitting there in a room all alone... I mean after rifling through all the cabinets and drawers and blowing up latex gloves and stuff. I got you a picture of a poster. It's real sophomoric but what the hell eh? Heinous Anus, that'd make a good band name.

Here kitty kitty...

And finally, 2 chicks that seem prepared.

Deck The Friggin' Walls With Bowels Of Molly

2010-12-20T21:00:00.000-06:00

Last night Sal and I were home alone, we do our best work then, and decided to throw the tree in the house and hang stuff all over it. So we did. I hacked around on it til the bottom looked like it was a leper, with a pair of pruning shears... 'cause they were handy. Sal started hanging lights on it whilst I scampered off to the kitchen to make some delicious Christmas decorating beverages meant for adults only.

Wanna see some of our prized ornaments? Heck yeah you do! I took the job of untangler, and paparazzi fool.

First, a man's ornament. It's pretty incredible, so life-ded-like in a tiny minature way. Deer skull with horns.

I've got more!!

The red bird made family famous in a video from 12 years ago.

Oh and you want the video? Peruse at your leisure. Jake woulda been about 11 or 12. I had no gray hair. It was magic.

Incredible eh?

Two little personalized guitars. They really play!!!

No they don't.

I went all apeshit one year and actually made some ornaments. I almost lost interest before I started, hence they instantly became collectibles because of the limited production.

They're made of gen-u-ine tree wood. Rare in some parts of the world.

The star of Dave, enhanced with dog chewing.

Santa made from a shotgun shell.. cause we're hillbilly sonofaguns and we love having our Christmas decorations shot right outta the freakin' gun, Bubba. I dunno what happened to his eye but it gives him kind of an edgy, pissed off Santa look.

And of course the rare and elusive Glitter Gun from a few years ago. It's front and center. Damned straight buddy roe!

Lookit Sally in her big ol' Santa hat!! Cute as a nest of baby coons under the front porch!

And of course the traditional drink of choice and habit and ritual here at Christmas... The Homewrecker.

Cowguy's Homewrecker:

Your standard 12 oz glass, chipped rim optional.
A handful of ice cubes.
Cheap Mexican Coffee Bean Liqueur... 3 big shots
Cheap Brandy, preferably in a plastic bottle... 2 big shots
Top off the the glass with store brand Half and Half.
Stir it with your finger and prepare yourself. It's like drinking candy.

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There Are Days It's Really Hard To Be Suave And Debonaire

2010-12-14T08:58:00.000-06:00

Yesterday morning I came in the house from the shop and ran into Sally in the office... had a little huggy, kissy face moment. It was nice, just kinda standing there. She whispers into my neck...

Sally: You know this morning when you crawled back in bed and cuddled up close and kissed me?

Me: Yeah. That was nice huh.

Sally: You smelled like farts and toothpaste.

Me: ..........

It's hard to move on from that moment.

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Cher and Kentucky Fried Chicken

2010-12-11T19:09:00.000-06:00

I'm sorry (not really) but I've been noticing things again. I've tried to stop this nonsense, but I swear on Kirstie Alley's dinner roll, I can't. What have I noticed this past week? Ah, oh, ahhh readers of this fine blogatilia... plenty.

I noticed that all those fine folks down under in the land of kangaroos and Dundees and Quigleys, love them some KFC. I mean REALLY love that crispy, deep fat fried, mouth watering chicken flesh of ill repute. You wanna know how much they love it? They love it so much you can buy a $500 dollar gift card to the cardiac arrest of your choice.

I'm not shittin' you one instant. I copied and pasted this from their website

Loading Value onto Your KFC Gift Card.

You can load a dollar value on the KFC Gift Card by using a credit card, debit card or cash at any participating KFC location. You may not load more than $500 worth of value to your KFC Gift Card. The minimum amount that must be loaded onto your KFC Gift Card is $10.00. KFC may change the maximum and minimum amounts at any time by notifying you at the point of sale, by phone when you call, or on the KFC Queensland website (www.kfcqld.com.au).

Now how in the name of anal oil leakage can you eat $500 worth of that stuff. I mean, come on man.

Okay I've also noticed that Cher has become a walking talking plastic "love doll" thing. I stumbled across this pic of her and Christine or Christina whatshername. Eh heck... you don't wanna see Christina whatshername... so just Cher.

There's just a whole lot wrong with this whole thing. Biggest and most noticeable is that rubbery face thing. Cher is 64. That don't look right and that don't match that hand skin much at all and speaking of matching... I photoshopped out a couple of things to make this a little gentler for all eyes... but what the hell went haywire with that ninny placement in that last boob job?

Good God it looks like they're in orbit.

Wait!! Here's one of those Japanese Real Doll things that cost more than a KFC gift card. This thing looks more real than the current Cher. I mean it. (by the way you can also buy a manly version of this.... frankly I'm damaged just from stealing this picture offa their website)

I was coming home down the highway the other day and I noticed a van in front of me going down the road at a pretty steep angle. It looked like an old hound dog that had just caught a load of rock salt out of a 12 gauge and it's hind end was trying to pass it's front end.

Of course I had to pass it 'cause it looked like that drivers side back wheel was gonna go the same way as Cher's tweeters. That's when I noticed the real problems this old boy had.

Great Scott! I never saw anything quite so caved in and all the mud all over the thing was nice and fresh as was that glued in foam back window. But the goober driving it seemed happy enough. Waved at me as I passed him.

I bet that was a heckuva ride.

I'm through noticing things now.

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It's All About The Caulk

2010-12-10T07:34:00.000-06:00

So I was in the local hardware store the other day... I'm in there a lot. All the employees know me and It's always a meeting place of other guys that hang out in hardware stores too much, so it usually is a social trip as well.

Good Lord that sounds dorky.

It is...

Anyhow I had a small puddle of miscellaneous stuff on the counter, some steel wool, a couple of furnace filters and other stuff that I don't remember, and... a tube of caulk. So I'm paying and for whatever reason I usually end up with this same kid at the cash register. He's a good kid, always pleasant with me and takes abuse well. :-) He bags up all my stuff except the tube of caulk. He's just standing there with it in his hands, smiling at me.

I stand there and look at him until he gets a little nervous with his cute little prank he's laid out and I lean across the counter and say in a low voice. "You know pal, I'm not gonna say "give me the caulk". You know that's not gonna happen don't you?" His smile gets a little nervous.

He's stuck. Still holding the caulk. So all that was left was for me to say, in a VERY loud voice, "LET GO OF MY CAULK!"

He virtually threw it at me, looking over his shoulder at the managers booth and whispered frantically "The district manager is here today!"

Me: "You have a nice day there Mr. Caulkinheimer".

I may order him one of these. It's Christmas you know.

Zombies, Christmas And A Woman I Love

2010-12-07T19:10:00.000-06:00

So... I may get a little sappy with this post, but it'll be personal and y'all can crane your necks into my little window of life and I won't slam it shut on the back of your head or nuthin'. Climb into the Cowguy time machine and we'll roll on back to 1998, that would be the year that Sally moved to Missouri... and we fell in love.

Now the woman that I love in this particular post isn't Sally. *big giant intertubal group gasp from around the world* It's another woman. Yes. See when Sal moved here she brought 3 kids with her. One of those kids is the one this is about... our daughter Nicky. It's never easy melding 2 families, this one was no exception, but I think (get in real close here)... I think Nicky loved me from the start.

I cinched it though, that first Christmas of 98.

Here, here's a pic from that year. I played Santa for something or another... that's Nicky, 16 years old, sitting there on Santa's lap.

I didn't cinch it by playing Santa though. Let's get a little background about my taste in music right at this point. As I've mellowed with time, my taste in music has become rather diverse. To be honest I'll listen to about anything except Polka and if I'm good and loaded, hell fire... I'll give it a go too. Nicky learned to love classic rock thru some of my input, and inversely, I learned to love a lot of what she listened to.

About 2 weeks before Christmas Nicky and I took off by ourselves to go Christmas shopping, I still remember parts of the day like it was yesterday. We had a blast. Anyway, Rob Zombie had left White Zombie and had come out with his then new album Hellbilly Deluxe....

... perfect Christmas album, eh? Nicky wanted this album pretty bad. Sally wouldn't go for it. I dunno, maybe all the Satan bullshit on the album cover etc etc influenced that. But me? I just looked at it as "show". I was an Alice Cooper fan back before it was cool in the day. Rob was just more of that... but with a driving techno beat and a nice mix of metal.

I bought it for her that day and figured that I'd just deal with Sally's unhappiness with what I'd done later on... cause that's what men do. That's what "I" did. We rocked out that whole day with that CD playing.

I cinched the deal. I became cool.

I can't begin to tell you how much joy and love this girl has brought into my life. She means the world to me. I've learned from her, and she from me.

Smartass comes pretty easy around here. Nicky has smoothed it down like hot pudding. When Jake was little he raced go-karts. This pic is from a race somewhere and he's posing with his then patented somber racing face...very serious and everything. That's Nicky and I photo bombing him like maniacs behind him.

And from a couple of weeks ago she's telling me that I'm number one....

...and from that same weekend where she just has "kickass" wrote all over her with that AR-15 and those boots.

...and probably my favorite pic of her ever. She's the Mom of 3 of her own now, and is doing it up perfectly. That's her youngest with her.

And in the end folks... sometimes you just need to stop and tell those that you love, just how much you DO love them. Life is short and the train runs fast.

I love you with all my heart Nicky.
XOXO

J.

/

It's Not All About Loud Noisy Sax...

2010-12-05T07:59:00.000-06:00

Call it the adolescent tendencies or some old guy. Blame it on wanton snickering from the corner of the room... or just go with the toe tapping goodness of The Treniers and their not so chart screaming hit "Poontang". I dunno the date on this but it's 1950 something, which is really what makes it rock. :-)

Now see? That's a happy change from non-stop Rockin Around The Christmas Tree.

Pooooon TANG!

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Like A Handless, Legless Ultimate Fighter...

2010-12-03T08:15:00.000-06:00

Just because I've been on the blog wagon doesn't mean I haven't been jackin' stuff into my blogafila hidey hole. Oh no, I've got a plenty!

For instance, this little news article. I did a screen shot of this thing back in the summer 'cause it just reeks of everything that you couldn't really make up. Most importantly it deals with "deadly nubs". Please note, I am not making fun of amputees. No I'm not. It's not right making fun of the less fortunate when they really don't have a leg to stand on for their own defense... but this little lovers quarrel, kids... it writes itself.

Click it to make it life sized.

Oh and here, I made y'all something to go with today's theme.

Have a great weekend!

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Let Me See If I Can Ease Back Into This...

2010-11-29T19:45:00.000-06:00

Okay, so some of you have missed me. I get cards, letters, phone calls, emails, packages and one slightly risque telegram, wanting to know what the hell happened to the blog.

As you know, I'm a human bean and I've been a dang busy bean... and a little lazy. I haven't really made a good attempt at this thing for the entire hoopslah of 2010. I apologize, but in a backward way that will probably make you wonder if I really apologized or if I was just gaining your confidence so you'd lift your shirt for me.

Here. Here's some beads.

We've had a whole lotta stuff going on, Sally keeps bustin' things but she says she's all done with that nonsense now and has firmly refused, with her little arms crossed, to break anything else for the rest of her life. I have all the confidence in the world in her.

Actually, Sally hit me up this afternoon to do some writing for her for something or another. She said it real flirty like and I thought that I'd flex my word muskels a bit and try out the blog and see if I still had words inside of me that needed to escape from elsewhere than my anus.

Cross your fingers, hold your nose... just in case.

Actually I'm not gonna get real deep or nothin' like that 'cause I hope that this is just a warm up session. Honestly folks, I'm having a hard time. Seriously. No, I really am being serious. For real. See... I fell into the whole Facebook thing. The bastards. It's so easy to just post a couple of sentences and be funny, and takes hardly no time at all, and well... it's easy. I'm easy. Ask around. So, I don't really know what to do here.

Wait. I'll post something about McDonalds.

That's some serious freakin' logic right there, cousin.

Okay, so the local McDonalds remodeled this fall. What brought about anything of note from this remodelization of America's institution of hambugerly travesty? This....

See, right there you have port a shitters, in use, for the primary restrooms... at McDonalds. The place was still serving food at the counter inside and thru the drive thru. No seating inside, the McCrappers were discombobulated with the remodeling, but you could take a leak in the porta john, wash your hands at the out of doors, foot operated via pump action...sink and then go eat a delicious hamburger or McFish or whatever the hell they call those things.

It's Missouri.

Then, because I'm somewhat of a cad, but in a really really fun disfunctional way, I stole a pic off of Facebook. I could probably get sued for this or castrated or worse. Frankly I don't know what the formal punishment is, but damnit... this is just too good to hold back.

I can't really come up with a starting point of the wrongness of this picture, there's just so many things going on besides the center attraction. It's like a 3 ring circus. You don't really know where to look first cause you don't wanna miss the dancing monkey.

So to speak.

Okay... I think I'm warmed up.

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So Far... What A Summer!

2010-07-18T16:58:00.000-05:00

As is the usual I've been derelict in my duties at providing y'all with blogulatory entertainment, see... it's 'cause I've been busy. Business has picked up a touch at the shop (good Lord, it needed to) and the band has been busy as all get out. We've had a few pretty nice gigs this summer, a couple of pretty memorable ones. One of those was up in a little town in Iowa called Exline, on the 4th of July. Our crowd was small there, but I think it was one of my favorites. About 10 minutes into our second set it came a rainstorm of epic proportions. We were in an outdoor pavillion and the rain was blowing all the way across. After it calmed down in 'bout 5 minutes or so with the wind, we just unhooked, got the crowd all under the roof with us and just played acoustic right smack dab in the middle of 'em. That was pretty dang special. I'll never forget it.

Played some local events, one being a little town's "homecoming" near here. The little towns in Missouri have these and if they can't think of anything in particular to celebrate like Donkey Days or Moonshiners Week or Farting Midget Saturday... they just call it a Homecoming. We had a nice stage and professional sound setup, nice lighting and a GREAT crowd.

*click the pics for bigness*

We hit our first music festival of the season up in NE Missouri, The Sally Mountain Festival. Camped out up there for a couple of nights, made contact with a friend that I hadn't seen since about 1976 and played til about 3 in the morning one night with him and a bunch of other musicians. Almost got ran down by a Winnebago whilst I was tending to business in the porta shitter the next morning. I didn't finish that task, it's real hard to concentrate when you've got that immanent death sensation going on and the last thing you want is folks whispering at your funeral and giggling 'bout how you checked out without finishing up the paperwork and stuff.

No, I don't want that.

Sally and I celebrated 11 years together in bang up fashion with more camping and music with friends. Honest to gosh, it's been a whirlwind this summer.

Anyhow, here's you a nice video of the band. A young man attended one of our shows and shot some video of us with better than average sound. This was on Memorial weekend at the Faces Of Freedom in Macon, MO. A celebration of our nations veterans and I was honored to also Emcee this event. 2 days prior I had no voice. Had a killer cold and lots of snot and hacking but I made it through it without too much embarrassment, and pulled a little bit of singing voice outta my butt. A very touching and emotional day... I almost went thru the day speaking without having to stop to hold an emotion. Almost.

Here's Wagon Wheel from that day... this song is on our CD which is available online, just clickity click click it up there on the right sidebar.

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One Bad Ass Lawnmower

2010-06-24T19:08:00.000-05:00

Okay, so my Dad went and got himself a new lawnmower... finally. Really not much wrong with his old John Deere other than it was old and he'd got a hankering for a new ride, so he shopped. And he shopped and shopped and shopped until there weren't any mower dealers left in the tri-state area to harass, and decided to buy a Gravely from the new dealer in town. He was tellin' me 'bout it and all (still shopping at this point) and I told him "Just go buy the biggest damned one they got Dad". He wasn't quite sold on my sales pitch at this point but it made him think. My folk's yard is immense, probably 2 acres or more, lotsa trees and bushes and stuff to mow around and the mower he was looking at was a zero turn rig.

Now let me back up just a touch in my story. Dad's had several bulldozers over the years, I never took to 'em much mostly 'cause I hated working on 'em all the time. Everything is big, greasy, unwieldy and ugly to work on on a Cat. Oh I could run any of 'em just fine, I just didn't. I figured it was expected of me to be the mechanic for the most part and if I started operating it I'd also be expected to be the operator and I just didn't want any part of it.

I had better things to do.

So as Dad got older this last D-7 Caterpillar kinda languished around the place, just sitting, he wasn't able to climb on the thing and run it for much more than 15 or 20 minutes at a time, but............ he'd get a hankering to hear it run and drive it back and forth and jack around with it and I was the mechanic that usually spent 1/2 to a full day getting pony motor running on the thing and quite frankly, it became a sore spot for me.

So there it sat.

Okay back to lawnmowers. Dad caves in to my logic which is "you've got the money, buy the biggest damned thing they sell and be done with it"... and buys what is quite possibly every man's dream come true in lawn mowing utensils.

One bad ass lawnmower.

It's got a freakin' roll bar, for craps sake...

It's got tires fit for Bigfoot. Manly tires!

It's got 26 horses of Kawasaki, flame throwing, noise belching engine. The damned thing holds 10 gallons of gas!

From the back it looks like a cross between a dang Bobcat and a transformer with an erection.

Of course it has a drink holder, seat belts, folding arm rests on the hydraulically cushioned seat and it leaves a trail of testosterone where ever you drive it.

Bad ass, no?

So after he buys the mower he drives straight to our house, giddy as a little kid, Dad is 82, to tell me his story about buying his dream lawnmower. But in his excitement he abbreviates the story quite a bit which is out of character for him. It runs in the family. We get a lot of mileage out of a good story.

Dad : "So I paid 'em for the mower and it was $6999 dollars and told 'em to deliver it and me and your Mom are leaving the dealership and Bud Payne sees us there in the car and pulls in and says "How much you want for your dozer today?" and Dad says "What are you offering?" Bud says "I'll write you a check for $7000 for it right now" Dad says "Need a pen?"

So he's all tickled 'cause he just made $1 dollar on his deal. I was in tears laughing.

The old bulldozer was worth more than that, but it's gone, I'm happy. Dad's got a new mower, I cut his grass today with it, it's like a freakin Ferrari. It'll run something like 11 mph... for real.

Mom told me on the phone when the dozer left on the trailer truck Dad just kinda stood there watching it leave. Not quite crying but knowing that that phase of his life was over. THAT makes me sad too, I know there'll be a day when something similar will happen with me and my kids will have to watch me "not quite cry".

Bitchin' mower though, Pops.

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The Johnny Cash Project

2010-06-11T07:16:00.001-05:00

I'm really not schlepping out on a post today, I just ran across this pretty freaking incredible video called The Johnny Cash Project. How the thing works is folks from all over creation have drawn a frame for the song Ain't No Grave and it's been made into a complete work. Actually still a work in progress, if you want to draw a frame and have it added, you can. Anyhows... give it a watch and a listen. The song is typical of later recordings of Cash, driven, beautiful and haunting. The percussion sound of the chain.... perfect.

http://mrdoob.com/121/The_Johnny_Cash_Project

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Vote For Me... I'll Save The Freakin' Planet, Or Something.

2010-06-09T08:15:00.000-05:00

So I was cutting the grass the other day, just mindlessly riding back and forth, polluting the atmosphere with my infernal combustion engined John Deere, and enjoying it just a tad, when I got to pondering about something a friend of mine, Duane had said 'bout the BP oil squirt-a-thon down yonder in the Gulf.   He had a good idea and I pondered it out quite a bit further.

Okey dokey, we've got Gabillions of dollars of Stimulus money just languishing around in piles waiting to do something with it, but we can't decide what. We've created a horde of new Govt. jobs and we did a Cash For Clunkers program... both wildly successful. Right? Okay (that was sarcasm there, for the uninitiated).

On the other hand we've got unemployment at an all time high... or close to it. Folks are willing to work. It's true.

On the third hand, (this is the one that you usually use to smack your kids in the back of the head with in the checkout of the grocery store when they're in Whiney McWhinerson mode, and you don't want anyone to see you smack your kid) we've got an offshore oil well, all busted off and spewing Black Gold, Texas Tea all over everyones favorite vacation areas and ruining things right and left.

Now then, here's my plan.   Take a big whopping slaggy nasty stack of those Gabillions of Stimulus dollars, throw together a little store front, register folks as private sector employees of the Govt, give 'em a little ID card to swipe and wear around their necks to make 'em feel important and shit like that.

"What is this business gonna be?" Says you.   It's gonna be Scoop The Urping Petroleum Into Dumpsters.   S.T.U.P.I.D. if you will. Send these ID card swinging folks out with buckets, give 'em $5 bucks for every pound of crude blobs they gather up and deposit into the container that Kevin Costner or that Titantic director dude is gonna invent just for this.   Hell, give those 2 ol' boys a million or two apiece just for hanging 'round and doing wonderful things like this.

   So now you've gotTENS OF THOUSANDS, maybe HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS of folks traipsing around beaches and out in the water picking up oil blobs for 5 bucks a pound, and in about a month, the job will be over.

THEN... lol then you bill BP the end amount plus a 2 dollar per pound fee for conducting their cleanup effort for them.   Take that money and hand it over to the Chinese get rid of some of that freaking national debt thing for crying out loud.   Seriously. Let BP get that monkey offa our backs for awhile.

Okay so... I have put a good portion of the country back to work, even if for a short period of time, I've got the stupid oil spill cleaned up, and I've paid off a portion of the national debt.   The only thing I haven't done is plug the hole and I ain't got a clue how that works, I'll leave that one up to the Titanic dude.

As I've pointed out to y'all before, and I'm sure you'll agree once again... I. Am. A. Jenius.   I'll be running for office a little later on, maybe President. Vote for me. I'll pay off your house or something even specialer if I'm elected.

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Little Old Ladies Laugh At The Secret Service...

2010-06-06T15:38:00.000-05:00

So whilst I was on hiatus from Sawdust and Cowpies, the Bama came to town bringing a whole tribe of confusion and chaos to our little community for... hell I don't know why. He was here, visited the ethanol plant down the road from me, spun around in circles, spent a veritable shitload of your money, ate at a diner, schlepped around the area, got back on the Bama plane and took a vacation.

Oh wait, here's a pic of him at the little diner over in Monroe City that he stopped and was just "one of the guys" and ate at. That's "one of the guys" if one of the guys happens to travel with a half dozen black Suburbans, another 8 or 9 white GM vans, a plethora of Missouri Highway Patrolmen, MODOT employees, a couple 3 dozen sheriff deputies, a bomb disposal unit (yes... a bomb disposal unit) and untold dozens of Secret Service and FBI lurking in the bushes and trees along his route. So... just like one of the guys, he gets some food at some diner that I can't remember the name of and someone snapped this totally awesome pic of him with a local dude giving him the bunny ears....

Does that freakin' rock or what? Yeah it didn't make it into mainstream media. :-)

Okay so on with my story. So they shut down miles and miles of highway, cost $26,000 per mile of highway that he traveled by car (true fact... that'll piss you off eh?) The security around here was ridiculous 'cause I hear his approval rating is like the lowest of any president in just about ever. When folks don't like the pres I guess they spend a lot more time and money keeping him all comfy and stuff.

Anyhow my mom and my aunt decided they were gonna drive over to highway 36 and wave at the president as he drove by. Yes. So they hit 'bout 10 backroads and launched out on a very very empty, desolate, traffic devoid strip of highway 36. About a mile or two of driving and being the only vehicle in either the East or Westbound lanes a MO State Trooper pulls up behind 'em. Lights blazing, siren on... the works, and he pulls over these two little gray haired ladies in the powder blue Lincoln Continental and asks them what the heck they think they're doing. They replied "We just want to see Obama" The trooper asks them "How in the name of God did you even get on the highway?" They told him they took some back roads and kinda came out on a farm road and voila, there they are.

Welp, neither my Mother nor my Aunt went to jail or anything, thank goodness, but they did get a very VERY personal escort up to highway K and headed back towards home. Funny part of this, we didn't know anything about it for a few days, neither one of 'em fessed up right away to what they'd done, but Sally saw "A car that looked just like your Mom and Dad's Lincoln" getting headed up a very lonely highway by a cop.

Eh well... Good deal we threw down all that money for security huh?

Lordy....

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My Dad Should Have Been A Doctor

2010-05-25T21:12:00.000-05:00

I've elaborated much here before about my father's torturing of the English language, he does it unintentionally but it turns out pretty hilarious at times. This post is a perfect example of this. Anyhow, whilst I was hacking my innards up via the drama cough the past week or so, my Dad hands me a cough drop... a Ricola cough drop.

He drops it in my hand.

Looks me square in the eye.

And says....

"Here, try this. That's an E Coli right there. They really work."

I went into a coughing spasm of course.

Well I'll Be Damned...

2010-05-23T21:08:00.000-05:00

It still works.

The old world has done did a whole lotta spinning 'round since I posted last. Everything has been good and all that jazz, I just got really really busy with stuff. What kinda stuff, says you? Well, all kinds of stuff. Work stuff. Life stuff. Family stuff. Health stuff. You know, stuff.

The latest though, I've spent the last 3 days sicker than a wormy mule. I had some sort of something that made me cough so hard I kept having to swallow my lungs back down. It was pretty horrifying the first time or two, but I got used to it. Seriously though, Sal and I just don't go to the doctor for much stuff... and we never go to the hospital or ER. We just don't. Yesterday was bad enough that she asked me on 3 occasions if it was time to go to the emergency room. I didn't. I feel better today. I think I'm gonna live. Hoo Freakin' Ray. Did you know you can pick up a good used iron lung on Ebay? Me neither.

I may have to ease back into this whole blogging thing friends. Be gentle with me. Use lube. Thanks.

Oh heck, here. I got you a picture to look at. I don't know what it means or anything, but it's nice to look at. Print it out real big and hang it above your desk.

Okay. That's it. I'm just easin' back into the funny...

Motivation, Revelations, Warnings...

2010-02-22T18:39:00.000-06:00

Sometimes it's the little things on the big O internets that give me the most amusement. A veritable myriad of websites allow you to make your own posters and things poster-like... I took some of my pics and made you something. You can print them out and tape 'em on the fridge and tell folks your kids made them. It's okay. I'll play along.

Click 'em to see 'em in their bigness.

An odd thing in the clearance aisle of Wal Mart, quite outdated too I might add.

We got a freakin' deluge of snow here. God made this for me. I enjoyed it, as you should too.

A regular player here at S and C. You know it, you love it. T.O.D.

My cousin's wife actually made this. It possibly has the ability to follow you around.

One of the psycho sisters... "Stupid" I think.

Finally... I know you're not tired of this one yet.

The Cold Cold Heart Of Valentines Day

2010-02-13T06:08:00.000-06:00

Today, you're gonna get a video that will... I promise... make you smile for 4 minutes. If you've got nothing else going on for the Valentines thing this weekend, this is a poor replacement for that, but still, you're gonna smile for 4 minutes. Maybe more.

Last weekend Sal and I went sledding with the kids and our daughter Nicky got a great series of pics and a sled crash of epic proportions. I threw 'em together, added a little bit of silly dramatic music and, as they say in the Ta Da business... VOILA!

Sally, I love ya baby. Here's to many many more Valentine Days for you and I, and to my readers, happy Valentines day to you as well.

If you can't see the embedded video click this to go directly to the youtube.

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Stewie Pants

2010-02-01T07:49:00.000-06:00

Hey! Did I mention that Jake's girlfriend Holly got me new Stewie Griffin PJ's for Christmas? I didn't?

I know. This will probably be the new wallpaper on your puter. By the way, and still being respectful and stuff... but Roxie looks very Asian in this pic doesn't she?

Alrighty, I got things to do today. Man the torpedos Capn'! Fire in the hole. etc etc.

Things I Will Do When I Finally Become The World's Smartest Human Bean

2010-01-26T20:22:00.000-06:00

Because it's apparent to me, and many others, I will soon become the world's smartest person and I have compiled a short list of things that I plan to accomplish as soon as I am officially awarded with this status.

1. Cure cancer. Very top of my list, because if nothing else, I will be a practical and benevolent smartest person.

2. Remove all erectile dysfunction ads from television. Hold the applause, there's more.

3. Convert all cars to run on zucchini. Finally a way to get rid of the abundance of this crap growing in everyone's garden.

4. Make sure that everyone will get a Christmas present and a birthday card just because they should.

5. Find an additive for Twizzlers that cure the common cold. What could be better than eating a Twizzler and instantly stopping the flow of snot and that icky feeling that you hate?   I know. Nothing would be better than that... unless it's number 6.

6. Renaming the penis to "Miller Lite".   Wouldn't that be awesome? Yes.

7. Put a button on everyone's TV remote that would make Oprah fat or skinny, just so we can move on past this thing once and for all.

8. I would impose the death penalty for anyone owning a juke box with Sweet Home Alabama on it. My only really negative change in this list... and it's just not THAT negative, now is it? I just got really tired of that song back in about '78.

9. I would design a way to make everything you burp taste like bacon. This might be unpopular with vegetarians, but most of 'em don't like me anyway. The rest of us would love it.

10. Sonic Drive In. Beer. Everytime I eat their onion rings, I want a beer. I will make sure that it becomes law that Sonic sell beer. Don't bring up the whole driving and drinking thing because...

11. I will invent a pill that will immediately render you sober if you have to drive somewhere after a bender.

12. Through careful research of the problem, I will make Eddie Murphy funny once again, because my Lord... someone needs to.

13. By rounding off the remainder partial cents on interest paid for your interest bearing checking accounts and claiming them for my own, I will fix the economy once and for all and I will pay off the Chinese the following week. I watched Office Space. I already know it works.

14. I will invent a device to read what your dog is thinking and wishes to say to you. You may hate your dog later in the day. It will exclude thoughts they have while licking their junk non-stop for an hour 'cause we already know what that's all about.

15. Envelope glue will be available in Pizza, Circus Peanuts, and Beer flavorings. We all want it.

My second day of being the world's smartest person will have many other cool things become not just dreams for you. It's true. Please vote for me when the ballots are passed around. You'll be glad you did.

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I Don't Have A Vagina, But....

2010-01-24T11:12:00.000-06:00

It's true. I do not have a vagina. Now I've been a big fan of 'em for... well most of my life, and that doesn't make me an expert on 'em or nothing, but it does allow me at least some insight about the things. And as you may have already guessed, I have some insight today that I feel the need to share with you about something... vagina related.

Douches.

That's a great word ain't it? It can be a noun or a verb or an adjective. It can be used as a slur or an action or even in it's truest sense... what it is.

So you're probably wondering how the hell I got my squash filling centered on douches, aren't you? Okay, that little Amazon.com link in my sidebar, it's linked in to Amazon to show health and beauty stuff to the folks that read Sawdust and Cowpies and hopefully there's something there worthy of a click and a purchase by y'all once in awhile. I started to make a post this morning and glanced at it and one of the items it was offering to my readership was a Summers Eve Douche. I've used the word douche for years, it's kinda fun. I take it out of context, toss it in a conversation mostly for reaction or a laugh... and being that vaginas are in my all time fav list of things, and that the word "douche" is right up there as well, I clicked on the link. It's the little boy in me that causes that to happen. I can't help it. It's the same little boy that gazed in wonderment at the lingerie section of the JC Penney catalog when I was 7.

All of this is unpostworthy actually, until I perused a bit deeper in the vast collection of douching products in the ginormous Amazon machine.

This is what stopped me dead in my tracks. Click this.

You read that correctly. A douche named "Sweet Romance".

Nothing I could write past this point will bring the giggles on any louder or stronger than that.

Sweet Romance....

Alright, it's time for recess.

Remember Me?

2010-01-23T08:32:00.000-06:00

Hey, I'm here again.

My brother passed away, that was the reason for my absence. I held his hand as he went, and wouldn't have chosen to be anywhere else on earth at that moment. And that's kinda the way that went... there's lots more story, but if you don't mind... I'll just keep this one to myself. Alrighty? Alright. Sal and I want to thank you all for the love, prayers and cards that were sent. It meant a lot to us. A whole lot.

So anyhow my cousin Carla and I are standing in the back of the funeral home prior to the service and I said to her. "I am being cremated. I've made my decision. I wanna be deep roasted, poured in a box, and shoved in the ground or shook out on the ground or pitched into the wind. I don't really care... but I ain't gonna be a corpse in a box."

She thought that was a pretty good plan and said "I don't imagine I'll have much say in it.. and they'll probably embalm me and put me in a coffin, so... I made this really incredible mermaid costume one year. It's kinda famous. I want to be buried in that with my tail flipped over the edge of the coffin during visitation."

I stood there looking at her.

She looked at me.

I said... "That is so freakin' awesome it defies all meaning of the word "awesome"."

She said... "I think so too."

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Just So Y'all Know...

2010-01-08T20:48:00.000-06:00

I'll be back folks. Some personal unhappiness taking place that I'm concentrating on for a time. Please keep my family in your thoughts and prayers.

I've said it before, never miss a chance to tell those that are important to you, what they mean to you.

2009 Sawdust And Cowpies. The Top 5 Posts From The Past year.

2010-01-01T12:51:00.001-06:00

Actually I couldn't get it down to 5 so it's 6. I can't help myself.   It's been a year hasn't it?   Lots of stuff happened, some good, some bad some hilarious.   I'm not spending a lot of time spewing with the introduction, 'cause I really would like you to peruse some of my best work from last year.

Slot #6 is filled with this post mostly for one picture where woobs were discovered.

#5 is this jewel where I have my way with that slut Heidi.

#4 I told y'all about things you'll hear when working cattle with a bunch of hard core old farts.

#3 A road trip with the band Keota... playing from the back of a pickup truck.
There's a shot of Sal in this post that is so totally bitchin... I wish there were 2 of her for me to fall in love with. :-)

#2 I let y'all into my high school class of 1976 with no shame what so ever.

#1 And finally, what may be my best work... ever. I poured my heart and soul into this one, #300 post, registering the most comments I've ever had on a post. My entire life from birth til now in one post.

Thanks to all my friends in the blog world and in person here with me that bother to read my blog every single time I throw some of my punkin' filling out here on the internets for all to see.   2010 here I come. No pants this time!

Love you all.

Jace

The Best Pic I Ever Snapped...

2009-12-29T07:37:00.000-06:00

So I was in the woods Sunday cutting up a load of firewood. I'd found an old reject saw log that had laid there for who knows how long and was hackin' away at it, getting down towards the butt end of it where it was pretty well ate up with bugs and other critters. I'd sat the saw down and decided that was enough of that log and glanced at the last cut... and saw a little face. A mouse was zipping back and forth between two holes trying to figure out just what the hell had taken place at the ol' hacienda. Being taught well by Sally to always have a camera in your pocket, I pulled it out... then decided he seemed pretty patient... so I posed my axe by the log for the whole artsy fartsy thing. (Yes, genius... I know) and started snapping pictures. What I failed to do was actually take the time to put my glasses on so that I could see the camera (or as Emma and Shelby call it, the Cramera) and see that I was out of focus.

Eh well it's still cute as all get out...

Click for the biggness.

He finally bailed out and made a trip around a tree...

... and then ran back to the hole in the log and disappeared.

Christmas Cows.., Tractor Of Doom.

2009-12-26T19:54:00.000-06:00

Christmas day started out nice enough, waking up late from playing at Midnight Mass, opening presents... getting a new laptop that I wasn't expecting at all, getting dressed up nice and warm to head to the farm and do chores, and then it just went wrong. Wrong in a way that only "I" can seem to meander through with all the grace and agility of a bullfrog in a hot skillet with one hind leg missin'.

THAT kinda wrong.

I got to the farm, my Aunt and Uncle gone for a few days, and got on the Tractor Of Doom that had just come out of the shop. I mean this was the first time I'd driven it since it had been in the care of the worst mechanic in the area... I'm sure of it. It had had a shifting rail busted in the transmission, the hind end of it was all tore apart, shifting rail replaced but somewhere along the way Unhandy Bob had skipped the classes where they teach you how to actually adjust the transmission so that it transed instead of missioned.

Now it was a pretty chilly day yesterday, with the wind blowing a pretty steady 20 mph, raw gale the windchill temps were somewhat below zero. I ethered the crap out of the old girl and it fired up. This is when I discovered the unadjusted transmission situation. Reverse was not, at first. Then figuring out which forward gears were not gonna go, I ended up with 2 forward gears and one reverse... unless you shifted wrong and ended up with it in a forward AND reverse gear at the same time, then no one wins.    I pulled it out of the shed, left it running to warm up and hoofed it to the barn to feed some calves.

10:00 AM... I feed the calves. They love me, I stepped in a couple of the presents that they'd made for me. I head back to the tractor.

10:05 AM... I get on the tractor and proceed to abuse the gear shift and finally get it in a forward gear. I head to the hay pile.

10:15 AM... Bale of hay on the front end of the tractor I head back to the calf lot, pull up to a bale feeder to drop it in... and can't get it in reverse. I abuse the gear shift violently. It reverses out of terror.

10:20 AM... I head to the pasture where the herd is to feed hay to them. I pull into a bale of hay at that hay pile... and can't get it in reverse. I abuse the gear shifter much like a psychopath, strung out on PCP and Juju Fruits would kill snakes and aardvarks armed with nothing more than his bare hands. I win. It backs up and surrenders for the morning.

10:25 AM... Pulling through the gate I notice a cow upside down. This is never a good position to find your common ordinary household cow in. This is the pose they acquire just before they're getting on the bus to go home to the Lord. I unroll the bale of hay.

10:35 AM... I examine the upside down cow and it's the same cow that was upside down 2 days prior. She's ancient, and is pretty much past the point of getting her back on her feet this time. I decide to put her down, but I'll have to get a gun from my truck parked at the shed.

10:40 AM... Back on the tractor I head to the gate, it's started snowing very hard... the tractor does a little hiccup that for anyone that has ran diesel tractors much at all, makes your blood run cold. I'm out of fuel. See the fuel gauge doesn't work, much similar to a lot of other things on the tractor of doom. I drop it into high gear (which for whatever reason, works) and make a break for the house. See... if your diesel engine runs out of fuel, it's not like a gas engine that you just fill up, turn the key, and happiness ensues. There is no happiness in a diesel tractor out of fuel.

10:41 AM... I get to the bottom of the hill in the middle of the road when all forward movement ceases. I start walking. In freezing temps. In the snow. I couldn't buy happiness with a pocketful of unicorns and a cure for cancer.

10:55 AM... I get to the shed and get in my truck to warm up. I grab an empty 5 gallon gas can and head over to our diesel storage tank. The power cord that has been there since Moses walked the earth... is not. I find a cord that looks like it's been teethed on by puppies, plug it in and start filling the can. It's full. The nozzle does not shut off.   I'm serious. It keeps pumping. The wind is whipping diesel everywhere. I yank the cord outta the pump, put the lid on the can and put it in the back of my truck.

11:10 AM... Pouring the fuel in the tractor, I hope beyond hope that thru some miracle that it will just start. No, it does not.   The wind picks up. I take the heat houser off on the fuel pump/injector side of the tractor to see what wrenches I'm gonna need and head back to the shed for what is surely the most cartoonish set of tools in existence. Back to the shed.

11:25 AM... I call home and tell Sal that I may need Jakes help. She's real serious on the phone 'cause she knows that if I call for help, it just ain't pretty.

11:35 AM... I'm back and start loosening injector lines to bleed them out, removing knuckle meat, freezing half to death. Rolling the motor over and finally I get fuel squirting outta all the injector lines I start tightening 'em back up. I give it a big dose of ether and turn the key, it fires up.   I want to cry I'm so happy. Jake shows up and wants to know if I need a hug.

12:15 PM... Back to feeding hay. I send Jake over to put the cow down.

12:45 PM... Backing the tractor back into the shed... I'm done. Quite literally. I'm really done.

1:15 PM... I'm pulling into my driveway, Christmas dinner is almost ready to hit the table, all is well.

I really wanted to throw out my Mary Lou Retton victory pose. I really did.

Pics from the throne of the the Tractor Of Doom, a seat reserved for fools and psychopathic aardvark murderers.... unrolling hay.

The Kitchen Stove...

2009-12-21T19:45:00.000-06:00

Alrighty, since our kitchen range generated more interest than anything else in my last post I might as well just make it the star of the freakin' show.

Couple of years ago we'd bought an early 1930'ish kitchen range and it had a couple of parts missing that I just couldn't locate. I kinda stuck it on the back burner (heh heh... back burner. BACK BURNER!!) (I kill myself) and my buddy Gary came by and said there was a pretty cool old Magic Chef in the basement of a house that his brother had bought down by Bowling Green, MO.

Wait, let me make a break from the post for just a second. A friend of mine worked for me several years ago and made up a redneck song about Bowling Green but all I remember is "Bowling Green, Bowling Green... I dated my sister, at the Dairy Queen."

Nice eh?

Okay back to the stove. Me and Gary went down and carried this outta the basement and I was kinda beginning to have second thoughts 'cause it was pretty nasty. Lots of critters living in it, past and present. Lot's of rust... but the porcelain was in nice shape it looked like, just needed a hard buffing to bring it back to life. Keep in mind, I don't do appliance restoration for a living... lol I do FURNITURE restoration, but Sal and I wanted a vintage range in our kitchen.

I ordered some stuff that I needed for it, all new insulation from a company out in CA that specializes in appliance restoration parts, some other misc. stuff and then tore it down to smithereenies. I took it apart further than this pic, but I was a bonehead about taking pics... so this is what you get.

Lotta ugliness. Lotta mouse carcasses. Lotta yuck.

The white fluffy stuff is the new insulation that wraps the oven of the stove. I replaced the springs on the front door as well, one was broken anyhow.

All of the non heat contact metal that wasn't porcelain, I shot with black lacquer. Everything that had contact with heat I sprayed rattle can heat resistant black on after everything got sanded down. All new screws and bolts so that they were nice and shiny, were also put in the thing. The right side of this stove is just storage for pots and pans and stuff. It doesn't really work as a warmer too much as it's insulated from the oven.

The chrome on all of the pulls was a mess so instead of sending them off to a chrome shop we decided to take them to a local powder coating shop and have them powder coated bright red. They look a little orange in the pics, but they are definately... RED.

I buffed out all the porcelain and even what was inside the oven and broiler was in good shape. I had one spot I repaired that I wish I had left alone.

They look like gooey candy on there... :-)

The original knobs were all there and I scrubbed them down, repainted the writing and numbers back in with acrylic paint and then clear coated 'em a couple of times with lacquer. They turned out pretty nice...

The broiler is all space age high tech, it swings out when you open the door. It'll make you laugh like a little kid when you see it open.

And inside the oven. No pilot light or ignitor or anything high tech like that... you touch a match to that little hole down there just like grandma did. I cleaned all the passage ways and orifices out and it lights really nice... no "WOOOOOF" to scare the begeebers out of you.

And all hooked up where it lives in our home. Looks just like your dad parked his Buick in our kitchen... :-)

So there! Ta Da!

Another Happy Childhood Memory Obliterated. Jiffy Pop... You Suck.

2009-12-18T09:06:00.000-06:00

Because it's a well known fact that I cannot leave well enough alone and just enjoy old memories... happy old memories... I must relive them. Then destroy them forever with my feeble and fumbling attempts at recreating them. For example, I give you Jiffy Pop Popcorn. This stuff was AWESOME as a kid, it always worked great, tons and tons of fluffy white popcorn magically poofing up under a tinfoil dome in a handy disposable pan. It was the best. The TV commercials were even happy.

Guess what Sally found in the store...

I was so dang wound up I almost poo'd myself with excitement! I peeled the cardboard offa the top...

I sat it on the stove and lit a fire under that bad boy...

Let me just take a moment and point out our most incredible stove... A 1940ish Magic Chef that I tore down to nothing and rebuilt. It makes Sal smile, me smile and virtually everyone that walks in our kitchen and sees it. You're smiling right now aren't you? I knew it.

And then the action began!!!!!!!!! Up it started to rise...

And bigger....

And biggggger.....

And finally... GOOD LORD IT'S HUGE!!!! I have no idea how Sally and I are gonna be able to eat all of that popcorn!!

And then I tore it open with a fork and....

What the hell?? There's like a mug of hard smoldering, half popped, crap... I pour it in a bowl just because I was all prepared to have the time of my life eating Jiffy Pop.

I was almost in tears. Such a sad sad evening at the Cowguy hacienda. Truly sad. I stood at the counter and picked around in the bowl trying to eat some of it and decided that I was just gonna bust a tooth if I kept up with that endeavor. Sal hollared from the office "Honey did you burn a skillet full of junebugs or something in there?" No... Just another happy childhood memory, up in smoke.

I'll never learn.

*sigh.............*

Things I Have Noticed In Life

2009-12-16T07:48:00.004-06:00

I dunno where this post is going, probably nowhere so don't go purchasing your tickets in advance for the ride. There ain't a refund. It's probably gonna be real random, I'm just kinda winging it with no real theme in mind other than things I've noticed and well... hellfire... I notice things, as you do, all the dang time. Those around me tell me I notice things a little differently. Ah well.

Okay, I just noticed I lost a "follower" to Sawdust and Cowpies. Did I offend someone. (probably) Did I not entertain someone enough with lowbrow hillbilly humor? (most likely) Was it the pictures I posted of myself 6 days ago where I was wearing nothing but some hair? (I'll wait here while y'all go look at old posts). (Maybe)

I have noticed that older folks, and by older I mean people my age (I'm slowly coming around to admitting this travesty... I AM getting older) text message like 5 monkeys having a shit fight. Very randomly poking keys, frantic, and most of all... hilarious for anyone watching.

I've noticed that I care less and less what people think. I dunno what this means. I've just noticed it.

I notice that I like hanging out with my son's friends. He chooses wisely, 'cause they all like me and think I'm some kind of genius. Mostly they're all normal, some just march to a different drummer. The Kuiper Bros.

Jesse (on the right) has sewn his own Ghillie suit and Casey (I had to edit his t shirt just a bit lol) just got a dollar an hour raise at work for getting a haircut. Seriously. Daniel, another friend, who just made a vocation change from machinist to welder is currently attending the same welding school that Jake did. Daniel just posted on Facebook advice from his welding instructor...

"We all fall in love with a stripper sooner or later. Its just part of being a welder, we can't help it."

The boy will be guaranteed success. Advice like that... you just can't find it much in a school of higher learning anymore. I like noticing things like that.

I notice that my desktop is littered with crap that I "needed" to save from the internets for my own enjoyment at a later date. Most of it makes no sense, but it makes me smile and a lot of times... I make no sense. It all works out in the end.

For example, this jpg snatched from the intertubes...

I dunno what this means. A sword swallower with odd little breasts, somehow selling gas refrigerators. I saved that pic because... I noticed it.

Alright, that's enough noticing for today. Carry on.

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Playing At A Fast Food Restaurant Near YOU!!!

2009-12-14T07:22:00.006-06:00

So, Saturday night the band had a gig up in Ottumwa, Iowa. Up there where it's cold, and there's snow, and the place where all of the older and wiser people have fled to Arizona or Texas.

Then there's us. We went there on purpose.

Our friend Paul lives up there and he had a private party gig for us. Martina just getting hitched and all, couldn't make it, but the rest of us went up. I met up with Ronnie and Mary Beth and Louis in Kirksville and tossed my instruments in Louis' "van of sure death" and rode up with him. We got to Ottumwa and followed Ronnie around town and ended up in this strip mall parking lot. I kinda looked around at the stores... a health care provider of some sort, a realtor, an empty store or 2 and... a Quiznos. You know... the hot and toasty sub shop place.

Louis turns the van off.

Me... Where are we playing?

Louis... Here.

Me... Where here?

Louis... Quiznos.

Me... No...................

Louis... Quiznos.

So we start unloading and walk in. It was 'bout 8 or a little after and the place was shut down, decorated for a party. Keg of beer on ice in the middle of the restaurant, liquor everywhere, vodka lemonade in the fountain machine, more food than you can shake a stick at and folks ready to have fun.

We got set up, Paul played with us and a couple of his friends and long time musicians "Rock" and "Wilbur"... and we proceeded to throw down some tunes and have a party.

The owner of the Quiznos is the brother of the sis having the 30th birthday party and man... did he do it up right. At the end he walked out on the sidewalk where I was hanging out for a bit, handed me a business card with this on the back... "Nate says give this man a free sub, don't take this card from him." He loved the band, said anytime... forever that I'm in town, show the card to who ever is working and collect one free Quiznos sub. LOL

There's a first time for everything.

About 1:30 we were bout played to death and the crowd had thinned to one group of about 15 or 20 hardcore, drinkin', singin' along, dancin like a bunch of maniacs, hardcore party crowd.

Great bunch of people. Thanks for the EXCELLENT tips in the jar folks!

Oh and by the way. If you decide to spend the night in Iowa in the middle of the winter... you really don't need to bother with reservations at the motel where you're gonna stay. Really.

The parking lot. :-)

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Well Poopy... There Goes Soupy

2009-12-10T06:34:00.006-06:00

So I was sitting here in the living room a couple of nights ago rotting my brain perusing watching midgets 'rassle in oatmeal or some such thing most likely, when Sally, from her puter, sent me on my MSN a "ded list". You know, one of those lists that someone with too much time on their hands, compiles of everyone, that was remotely famous that has entered the dead zone in the past 12 months. (the structure of that last sentence sucks, but it's 6:57 AM and I don't give a rat's ass... read it however you want and please, please correct it down in the comments. Thank you)

I was comotosely (<--- your new word of the day) flipping through all the dearly departed when I came across one that finally caused me to stop and and mutter "NO".

Soupy Sales died on October 22 of this year. Ded as ded can be. The dedest.

Sal walks through the living room...

Me... Hey Soupy Sales died!

Sal... Yeah, I saw that.

Me... (blurting) I had a Soupy Sales ring.

Sal... I just bet you did.

Me... Really, it was one of those that when you turned it back and forth it had a picture of Soupy that flashed back to his name. It was awesome.

Sal... That's nice honey. It's probably up at your folk's house in a box somewhere if you really miss it that much.

Me... Well, I don't miss it that much, but it was pretty freakin' cool when I was like 6.

So I thought to myself "Self, if you loved that ring as much as you did, I just bet that a lot of other kids loved that ring as well and there has gotta be a picture of it on the internets" I didn't answer myself, but I did a Google search.

Nothing.

Then, I went to The Bay. SCORE!!!

$89.95 ? ? ? ? It truly was an awesome ring, I just didn't realize until I saw dollar signs spinning in my head just how truly incredible this fine piece of jewelry was.

Looky. Behold. Soupy!

and then you turn it...

I'm nearly in tears just looking at these pics (happily copyrighted by mrrookie, but I'm promoting his sale so... ease up on the copyright crap mr) Here, here's the auction. Go buy this thing and give it to your beloved for Christmas. Screw the diamond earrings. Nothing says "forever" like a Soupy Sales flasher ring. I mean it.

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THAT Was A Fun Wedding!

2009-12-08T06:16:00.014-06:00

Saturday evening Sal and I attended the wedding of the year here in good ol Macon county. Handsome Randy and Gorgeous Martina (from our band) tied the knot in front of a pretty darn respectable crowd of family, friends, and one or two "ner' do wells". Sally and I, as usual, had a great time... lotsa laughing, lotsa dancing, quite a bit of imbibing, lotsa music, and a little bit of smootching and stuff.

Eh, y'all wanna see pictures, don't you? Here ya go.

A couple of handsome and gorgeous sonofaguns.

Hackin' away at the cake...

Then there was a whole bunch of foot stompin'...

Then the bouquet got flung and the garter got hurled. That lil feller that's just 'bout to snag that garter there? That'd be a namesake of mine right there...Jace. I went to school with his mom, and his uncle and I hung out quite a bit back then. Oh now quit it, the name is as far as it goes, well that and the good looks part.

Then there was some more dancin'... I got a dollars worth with Martina before David horned in on my show.

And Sal got a little floor time in with Randy... Check out that awesome new dress. Totally hot! :-)

Keota got up and did a little playing complete with a princess in the band...

And a nice band shot...

A random little dude that makes saggin' look good...

And the shot of the night that Sal got. I love this picture, the blurry out of focus, Martina's smile, the people... everything. I love this girl quite a bit too, and Randy... well, they're the perfect couple.

Awesome huh?

And finally, THE necktie. Bentley got a shot of it as we were leaving, I nearly upstaged everyone there, including the bride and groom ;-) with this necktie. Funny thing was, it nearly matched Sal's dress in color and we got lots of compliments on our coordinating looks until they got a good look at the tie. Baby chicks at the top, two fighting roosters spurring the crap out of one another in the middle and a hen at the bottom watching it all.

It was the only tie there like it.

Really. I'm not lying. You'd have thought there would have been a bunch of classy ties like mine.

I got it at the Dollar store.

Hey! It's silk!

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Take A Look At THESE Balls!!!!

2009-12-02T07:46:00.007-06:00

I'm a sucker for the 1 dollar aisle. Any store. Doesn't matter. I'm there. It's always pretty good entertainment, seeing what products have been demoralized and denigrated to only being able to be placed... on the 1 dollar aisle. AND, I don't just look, I buy too! A few days ago in the grocery store that we frequent I was in the 1 dollar aisle checking out the "Sardinos" and 2 roll packages of what most likely had to have been the most abrasive toilet paper on the face of the earth. (I love my butt too much to do that to it, and you should protect and defend yours as well) Then... THEN I spotted this prize!

FIREBALLS!!! "Red hot cheese flavored balls" Made by that oh so well known snack food company, Brims. As in burn the lining out of your mouth and shed the skin offa your tongue like a snake... Satan's firey brimstone.

I tossed 'em in the cart. Sally looked at the can without touching it and just said... "Fireballs". Yes. Fireballs, those are mine. I could scarcely wait to get home to further examine and taste my hellish prize. But I did, and here they are.

Gaze upon my red hot balls as I hold them in my hand. Cheesy and fire goodness literally exuding into your home through the miracle of internetal osmosis... just looking at them. No. These are my balls. Get your own!

Wait! What's this?

Biblical scripture from Psalms on the side of the can? Yes, I'll be needing that soon, and some Mylanta. Second guessing myself, the 1 dollar aisle toilet paper might have been a wiser purchase.

I rolled the can around, just a tad curious at the health food factor possibly residing inside each portion of hot cheesy fate. Disappointed, I was not...

Let me read that outload to you. "150 calories per serving (not bad so far) 80 of those calories... fat" SCORE!!!

Nearing the bottom of the can I happened to peer inside and it startled me enough that I sucked my breath in... and some cheese ball dust which nearly choked me 9/10ths to death... this is what I saw.

That's a little frightening, no? I'm gonna need to read that scripture again after laying eyes on that hellish glow inside the can of purported snack food.

In the end? Yeah it was worth a buck. They tasted like crap, removed any sense of taste I had for about 8 hours and I was still burping them the next morning, but then hey... you don't get much for a buck.

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So... Did You Miss Me?

2009-11-29T15:33:00.006-06:00

Hopefully I'm back on track with Sawdust and Cowpies, friends. After my little hiatus there, I find myself wanting to get back to it more and more. Just to bring you up to speed on things here in Cowguyland, I'll give you the quick synopsis.

Immediately after getting back from Nashville... I got busy. The shop had got a little weak thru the summer, but for now it appears that it's gonna stay this way at least thru the first of the year and a little beyond.

Our new grandbaby (yes... :-) ) came to visit with Mommy and Daddy for a couple of days. Jazzmine Cahlia Reid She's gorgeous. There'll be pics, but Sal's hording 'em on her puter right now.

Our other daughter and son in law came to visit with 3 more grandkids.

Then it was deer season.

Then I broke down and bought horses. I don't know. Insanity. Sal loves me more than her luggage though now.

That's Sal and Poco on the right, her buddy Jolene and Cappy on the left.

I dunno... lol 2 things that I said I'd never own and that's sheep and horses... I've got both.

In the middle of all of this my brother had a series of 3 strokes. Bill had spinal meningitis when he was a baby and is mentally handicapped, but does pretty well. He reads, writes, is very verbose and is real self sufficient... but this is a rough one. He's still in the hospital and will be for some time. It's gonna be a long long road for him. He's several years older than me at 58. It's been pretty tough on my parents as well.

We sold calves a week or so ago and they did real well at the market.

Sally and I went out on a real date to party a little and it was a hoot. We do it up real good. Spent the evening at a local watering hole, a friends band was playing and then another friend was DJ'ing after the band. Great night!

Me and Sal and our little redheaded buddy Bentley squeezing in the shot.

This pic just makes me smile. Sal and our friend Sue... cute as 2 chili beans in a bowl of applesauce.

Keota played a HELLUVA gig at the local winery, massive mayhem and fun all around. We're working on changing our live sound equipment around... it's sounding great!

A bunch of backup singers came up and helped us out with Wagon Wheel, as usual. Sal even got up and played guitar on it too!

Then there was a nice quiet Thanksgiving with just my folks and our son here, then another one yesterday with my buddy Gary lol. Turned into a movie thon last night.

In between all of that jazz was a lot of other stuff too!

So, hopefully boys and girls, when time permits, I'm back on track. Thanks for hanging in there!

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I Swear, I Haven't Quit Blogging... Really.

2009-11-13T19:16:00.003-06:00

Lordy... my blog posts have been so few and far between as of late, I'm embarrassed. I've still got one post from the Nashville trip that is picture heavy, hell it's from Halloween. I've just been busy.

Busy.

Busy.

I truly love blogging, but everything else in life has been pulling me in their directions. Work, other work, some music, the need to crash on the couch at night, my re-interest in shooting once again after about 10 years of shooting nothing... and work.

Today we shot another episode of North Missouri Woodworking in my shop, what a blast I have doing that. It's good for business and it seems to be one of the more popular shows on CVTV in our area. Plus... I get to be the big hairy male version of a Diva.

Anyhow kids, I'm coming back... I miss it. I miss all of y'all. Pretty bad. Just gimme a couple of minutes, or days or so. Okey dokey?

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The Bathrooms Are Chaos At 1 AM / Or / Nashville Post #1

2009-11-06T07:38:00.013-06:00

Man it's been awhile between blog posts, I've been busy, sick, partied, etc etc. Last Thursday the band loaded up (minus Martina) and headed to Nashville for a long weekend of partying. And boy did we do it. I paid for the night before every single morning, but it was worth it. :-)

We stayed offa the tourist trap stuff, and with a couple of exceptions, just went downtown to the old part of Nashville on Broadway. 20-25 foot wide bars, stacked in tightly down both sides of the street, every single one having a live band churning out everything from Country, Bluegrass, Newgrass, Rock, Classic Rock, Blues... you name it and it was being played there. If you hate country music, you've got no reason to stay away from here. There are no bad musicians. Pretty incredible talent. The bars don't pay the musicians, they give 'em regular gigs there but they play for tips only... and you'll gladly pay up. They play their hearts out.

We hit all the regular spots like Tootsies and such. I spent most of my time in Robert's, Layla's, The Wheel, and The Blue Moon.... and on the sidewalk. The sidewalk is just as great entertainment. Lotsa hookers and panhandlers and just... characters. I LOVED the sidewalk.

We did go to Gibson Guitar and Ronnie and I fondled and played a buncha $4000-$5000 guitars and mandolins.... because we could. Beautiful showroom.

We ate real good while we were traveling. We had a couple of meals at Demos', excellent food, right downtown in N'ville. Met up with Ronnie's cousin Brent and his wife Kathy and son Jake, there. Brent's been in the music business for many years and has done real well for himself... a few Grammys under his belt, etc. Really sweet folks, had us in their home and studio the next afternoon.

From the left side on around the table... Brent, Jake, Kathy, Johnna, David, Jeanne, Louis, Yours Truly, Mary Beth, Ronnie.

Then we hit Broadway once again, Jypsi was playing in at Layla's... whole lotta talent there. 3 sisters and a brother, one sis was missing that evening and I think their drummer was playing guitar in the back.

Yes it was a horrific thing watchin' Amber Dawn fight that little gold dress all night. I toughed it out. Check out a couple of their vids HERE and HERE. Good stuff.

At some point we wandered over to Robert's, this was the night before Halloween so a few drunken patrons passed thru in costume. Hell I dunno, maybe they dress this way down there all the time. If they do... well party freakin on dude!

Some gal dressed as an indian chick hopped the stage during Kawliga being played by Brazilbilly. (lol) Helluva band with a goofy damned name. The guy singing and playing the mini martin is the owner of the bar... and is from Brazil.

My new friend the lil' goth chick at the door...

And my camera being left at the table at times and in the care of others, often got some usuable and deletable pics on it. Someone got a nice tight shot of GC's cleavage. Oh and yes, the underpants matched the bra... such a showoff. Thanks for the pic Mary. LOL

Mary Beth twirled the dance floor with a guy impersonating me... a fake cowdude. The nerve. Awesome set of horns though!

I saw the guy that surely must be the Crown Royal King... 3 piece CR bag suit, complete with crown. And so young to have already achieved such stature in life.

So at one point during that evening I was on the sidewalk watchin the antics of the more drunk than me crowd, havin' a cigar, and an old chick... like 50-60 range, kinda hard to tell... slides in beside me wearing her zebra skin coat and heels. In a voice that was delivered with the raspy deepness that comes from 3 packs a day for 40 years she says "Got a cigarette on you mister?" and because I could have handed out a half truckload of smokes every evening from the panhandlers, I said "nope". She slides in a little closer to me and whisky whispers in my ear, like you'd imagine a 50 year old Army drill Sargent whisper.... "You wanna go party with me baby?" I looked at her, said "Honey, you need to head on down the sidewalk" and she did... and I went to the bathroom to wash my ear out. *shivver*

And while we're there, the bathrooms after about 1 or so, turn chaotic. These are plywood floor bars, the toilets usually have one crapper and one urinal and a sink, and for the crowds there... it aint enough. Add in the "didn't quite make it to the toilet vomit trails and the busted glass and beer bottles in the bathrooms and the "other" stuff... I could see where it could turn into an adventure for a "smaller" guy LOL

I was in The Wheel the last nite (I think it was the wheel) and I went in the john, 2 guys waiting for the urinal, the stall door was shut to the toilet, 2 guys behind me. I rattled the door to the crapper and not 1 but 2 guys yelled that it was in use. I stood there for a minute, looked a the dude behind me and his look of horror... and then... a third male voice from the stall voiced his complaint as well with me disturbing their privacy. To which I replied "WHAT THE F ARE YOU GUYS DOING IN THERE?" which pretty much tore the bathroom up with laughter. I gave it up and went out the back to the bar next door. lol

I'll have more pics and tales the next post from Halloween night.

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Be Patient Little Ones

2009-11-03T08:24:00.003-06:00

I'm back from Nashville... a most bodacious, rowdy, drop dead laughing, 3 day party on Broadway there. Now, I'm playing catch up here, I've got a killer cold that has me hacking my lungs wrong side out, and that ain't pretty. I'm promising a set of pictures such as my blog patrons have never seen the likes of. Hordes. Gobs. A Plethora of pics.

Until I get it together, this will have to suffice. This photo best describes my long weekend in Nashville... off the beaten path.

*cough cough*

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Sometimes The Music Makes Me Cry. (A Video)

2009-10-29T06:32:00.002-05:00

So our band Keota was playing a gig last Saturday evening and we whipped out a couple of new songs. Just before this video started I tried to explain to the crowd that "sometimes WE are just a half a bubble off with our songwriting" and the rest of the band, in unison... declared that it was "I" who was not quite right.

I take a little pride in that.

I was out in the shop one day working and had the stupid Petticoat Junction song stuck in my head. How, you might ask does this happen. Gamma Rays and laser beams. I'm subjected to 'em all the time and this is what happens. Anyway one thing led to another and I started winging in some other television shows from that era and then sprung it on the band at a practice one evening.

Their reaction? If I remember correctly they sat and stared at me. :-)

But... it (the tune) kinda grows on you a bit I think. The few that have heard it either sit with a silly smile on their faces, or are laughing hysterically the whole time. That's a good thing.

So we whipped this sucker out the other evening, and it came out... uh... kinda loose and sloppy. The first time I watched this video, folks I sat and laughed til I cried. Hoo Boy!

Here it is in the raw, blogging world. "Tuesday Nite TV". Thank you, thank you very much.

Forgive me Jed Clampett.

(here's the URL if the embedding doesn't make it here on Blogger... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pxsXABDqrxM )

Going to Nashville with the band for a few days, have a great weekend everyone!!

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Dream Analysis Part 2!!!

2009-10-25T15:09:00.002-05:00

Okay so it started with this post and then... the analysis started with THIS post. Today, I'm gonna drop my glasses down on the end of my nose, touch a pen to my lips, put on my "and how do you feel about that" face and finish with the rest of y'all.

Here we go!

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Oh My Goddess wrote wittily...

"I had this dream that someone would use the word cowgina in a post which also referenced Amish Graffiti.

Coincidence? I think not."

Firstly, I wonder about the honesty of actually having a dream such as this, but that's okay because it further allows me to put a little more perspective on the thing. Goddess, your desire to follow the veterinary field is rooted deeply in your heart. The need to help the Amish people with animal husbandry is something you should absolutely follow! Please quit the self denial! There is a huge shortage of female, large animal vets, enroll in veterinary school today!

And yes, you are a very sexual person.

Cowguy, LMNOP, MSG

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Candy from Candy's Daily Dandy spelled out her dream for me...

"I used to dream all the time that my front teeth were falling out. I would shove them back up into my gums, but they kept falling back out.
It would cause me much stress and anguish."

Dear Candy, this may be a little hard for you to grasp, and possibly a little disturbing for you. Move back home to Arkansas. I think you know this in your heart of hearts. End the stress. End the anguish. Just go back home. Your cousins are all waiting for you hon. Don't bother taking your toothbrush. Okay? *pats you on the back*

You know this already, but... you are a very sexual person.

Cowguy, OLLY,OXEN,FREE

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My little blogging friend Susan quipped this horror filled dream on Sawdust and Cowpies...

"Two nights ago I had a dream that the mayor was on my street corner giving his re-election speech.

No one came to watch him so I felt sorry for him and sat on the curb and clapped. All alone. He ignored me and kept reading from his ripped loose leaf paper speech.

My brother works on his campaign. Probably not a good sign??"

Sweet sweet Susan, this dream isn't as deeply rooted as one might first think. You need to see the M.D., That burning sensation... I really hate to say this out in the open like this, but... Well... you need to quit hanging quite so closely with the mayor. It's possible that... I'm so sorry... it might be the clap. Take 2 aspirins and call me in the morning.

Needless to say, you are a very sexual person.

Cowguy, BYOB, 123

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Cora from Love Letters By Cora sent this bit of dream humor...

"Okay, I kid you not, I had a dream where I was on the Titanic. It was sinking (duh) and people were running and screaming and fighting over the life jackets. I wasn't sure which way to run but knew I needed to get moving and fast. I turned around and found myself face to face with Rowan Atkinson. Then Rowan grabbed me, stuck his face between my boobs and motorboated me. When he was done he turned around and ran off into the crowd and I woke up thinking WHAT THE HELL?!

I look forward to your analysis, Dr Cowgina!"

Sometimes even someone as knowledged in dream research as I, Dr. Cowgina, hits a little bump in the road in being able to analyze a dream properly. Never the less, I'll try my hand at this.

You seem to be a very motorboatable little vixen. (forgive me Scope, just professional observations here.) You're easily entertained by rubber facing antics, such as Mr. Atkinson is so famous for, and as such, the motorboating that he could deliver would possibly be the most vigorous motorboating that a girl could hope to be performed up on her. The Titanic reference in your dream is merely the desire for him to sink his face... uh... right in there.

As everyone knows, you are a very sexual person.

Cowguy, DWF, DWI, DOD

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Beth from Must Stamp Alot narrates her dream...

"My husband keeps having this recurring nightmare about working in an ammo reloading facility and getting his finger caught in a reloader machine.

Then there's this one when he was feeding hay to some old guys cows and the net wrap wrapped up in the drive shaft of the truck and caught on fire. I dont know the whole story though...every time he thinks about he gets traumatized!

Help!!"

Beth, that is no dream that needs interpretation. Those are merely things that happened in real life, and will possibly haunt him for the rest of his life. Make sure and tell Phil that I still laugh about them.

You are a very sexual person according to the stories around town.

Cowguy, BRN,GRN,RED

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My long time friend Vicky at LA Quilter relays to me this little tidbit of information about her dreams...

"The only dreams I can remember are the ones I wake up in a cold sweat because someone is chasing me. I'm trying to scream but nothing is coming out. Haven't had one of those in four years. Hmmmm....

Oh, I had one forever about a tornado coming. Guess my life isn't exciting enough."

Vicky, sweet Vicky. I hope this isn't too improper to relay in public, but the analysis of this dream is quite simple. If you hear, in the near future, someone yell "TITTY TWISTER!!!!".... Run. Run for your life, don't bother screaming cause as you know it ain't gonna help. Just run like the wind blows.

You are a very sexual person ma'am.

Cowguy, OBGYN, FBI

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My good friend Jerry, who doesn't have a blog, but should have, tells me this...

"I dreamed that I was in my garden and the gate was open and some weird guy came in and started eating my corn, but he just took a bite and then ripped off another ear. I remember the beans were growing so fast I couldn't keep up with picking them but I wanted to break this weird guy's neck. The garden was blue. All blue. Oh, and Anne was yelling something but she was standing on top of the house. That's all I remember. I hope I didn't break Anne's neck in my sleep!!"

Jerry... my friend. All that acid back in the 60's? Yeah........ Groovy.

Seriously, I loved this dream/flashback. Anne on the roof (with her purse I'm sure) was my favorite part.

As the whole woodworking community knows, you are a very sexual person.

Cowguy, TWW, CJH, BOOBS

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Cynthia from Cynthia: World-Renowned Author told me this...

"I'm driving through an outdoor flea market in an old, vintage, Ford pick-up. My ex-husband (MUCH handsomer than the real version---maybe even with hair on his head---minus the comb-over) gets in and wants to drive...."

Cynthia, sport... It's time to trade in the old Ford truck, possibly for a new sportier version... LIKE THAT ASS YOUR EX HUSBAND DID WHEN HE STARTED HANGING OUT WITH CHEAP WHORES!!! BTW I saw your ex on match.com... I feel your pain.

Though your ex didn't realize it, you're a very sexual person.

Cowguy, STP,POOP,UI

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That girl ~E at *E* Deconstructed penned this onto my blog...

"I'm going to a Seahawks game with a buddy of mine, but before I go I want to take a shower first. The shower stall is like one in a gym but with no doors and no curtain...so I shower but constantly freaking out that someone is gonna walk in and spot me. Finally I finish, and walk out of the shower and all of a sudden I'm a guest at the Oprah show. I'm a figure skater and she has the set all fixed up for me...complete with mini ice rink right in the middle of all the audience members and a crapton of fake fall leaves spread out all over. And I'm throwing a tantrum (at OPRAH) because I can't skate with all these leaves around. I storm out of her building and run smack into a crazy environmentalist lady in front of a huge decrepit, run down house. And she is complaining to me how Oprah should have used real leaves from the ground and not fake ones. Because the fake ones will clog the environment."

Other than telling you that Oprah is Satan, I can't tell you much from what you've given me. I'll be needing pictures of you in the shower to further discern what this dream means. My email address is available from my profile. Okay? Okay.

You are an awesomely sexual person.

Cowguy, ѬѰӤ, ٕۓὧ,₱ᶲټ

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Char, who loves my blog to smithereenies, as you all should... has a blog called CharsToday and tells me this bit of bizzarity...

"I am in a long building and am carrying a 'fickle finger of fate' award (you know, from Laugh In). I come inside the door and the space is so long its like looking into a tunnel and people are at the other end look as though they are miles away. I ask what I am supposed to do. They tell me to go to the other end and show them the award and they would know what to do. I do this and they opened fire with tommy guns and I grab my stomach and feel warm blood rising up and awake when it reaches the back of my throat, I wake up."

Although a bit complicated for me to put into laymans terms, this analysis is simple. You regret not being a Go-Go dancer. You should pursue that career now. If you need help choosing a performers name for your act, please contact me. Those services are available from me as well.

You are a very sexual person.

Cowguy, ABC, CBS, NBC, FOX

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And finally Gwen at Everything I Like Causes Cancer, and being a late bloomer in posting dreams but definitely not a late bloomer according to the Jr. High Football squad, sneaks in this gem....

"I don't generally remember my dreams but the night after you analyzed your own dream, I had a dream about you. I'm serious. All I can remember was that I was visiting you and I was trying really hard not to be a prissy girl about dirt and bugs and farm stuff because I wanted you to like me.

I'm a very sexual person"

Gwen, you're a dirty girl. It's okay. Grasp the concept. Run with it. I like you.

As you already know, you're a very sexual person.

Cowguy, Fresh Out Of Degrees

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Thanks everyone for playing along... what fun!

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Dream Analysis 101

2009-10-22T08:41:00.000-05:00

Well... my last blog post I told you if you posted me your latest dream, I... Cowguy, with my cowgina prowness, would anal-yze your mindful meanderings in slumber land.

You overwhelmed me. I think I'll go at this in 2 hitches. Please bear in mind that my findings are not the "end all" of your dream interpretations. But I AM dang smart and I've got a BHD, STD and BBQ in this field so.... here we go!

MrsCravitz is up first with her dream posting...

"Anyway, the last dream I had that I remember, was, I was in the mountains, at this cabin place that was mine, but in real life I did not really live there. Some of my best friends were in the dream, and at the very end, I saw my mother, of whom has been gone for 9 years now. There is a lot more detail, but I won't bore you with the color of the trees, or house or flowers. Yes, I get very detailed in my dreams."

MrsCravitz, a common mistake by dream relayers to the dream analyzer is lack of detail. I need details details details in order to properly surmise what this dream of yours means in totality. With the sparse amount of information though, I can give you this. You have what us cowgina experts like to call the "Grizzly Adams" syndrome. You're fixated on cabins, mountains, most likely wild animals and stuff. Your friends there in your dream are representative of the many many MANY boyfriends you've had in your life that have broken your heart. If the dream had lasted another minute, no doubt Grizzly Adams would have appeared and shot them all. Your mom (God rest her soul) in your dream was just there to watch the carnage that never happened. You're a very sexual person.

Thank you.
Cowguy DDT,PSS,BHD

My next dream analysis guest is Mo Mad Dog Stoneskin... his dream is as follows...

"I'm at MacDonald's with my mate Andy. We're being served and at the front of the queue to our left are two attractive blond girls, identical twins in fact.

As they pay I lean across and display my usual razor-sharp wit. 'You'd think they would offer a special deal for twins, a crazy 'two-for-one' deal wouldn't you?' I joked.

Behind us in the queue were three lads, identical triplets in fact. They caused quite a fuss, accused us of discriminating against those formed from a divided egg or whatever.

The rest of the dream was essentially Andy and I running away from the triplets."

Mo, dear Mo. The guilt you are carrying around from your 5 times a day visits to McDonalds are tearing you apart. It's true. Stop it right now! The clever repartee with the twins was nothing more than a replay of the real life, completely conscious act of sleeping with hookers. Not that that's wrong, but it's coming back to haunt you man. The triplets represent the children you have fathered but not owned up to. Yes... run man, run. Run for your life!!!

You are a very sexual person.

Thank you,
Cowguy, AFLCIO, IUD

Next JenJen wrote...

"I dreamt that I was in a school building and there were shoes on the other side of the door but I couldn't figure out how to get in that room."

JenJen, be honest with yourself. You know what this dream means. I myself rode the short bus as a youngster. I know the pain that you feel from that experience as well. Not being able to figure out how to get your shoes on the other side of the door? You and I both know being the slow kid isn't always a circus. Don't we?

You are a very sexual person.

Thank you,
Cowguy WTF,LOL,RRRR

Staceyjwarner put her dream to paper, or to puter as the case may be here...

"I had a dream that me and this Clint Eastwood type character were sleeping outside near a river. He washed in the stream. It had the feel of a film from the 70's. I was cold so he gave me his t-shirt to wear. It smelled of him. It was old. This guy wasn't homeless. He chose to live this way by the stream fed by melting snow caps...I was in love with him but later in the dream he would push me emotionally away, although it was no longer me."

StaceyJ, you know as well as I that that is ME in your dream. STOP STALKING ME!!! I can't take the pressure anymore. I'm a married man. Yes I exude that cool Clint Eastwood persona, yes I smell of man, but you can't love me. Please, just stop before hearts are broken!!

You are a very sexual person.

Cowguy, DOA,RSVP,XXX

Ahr8tch wrote...

"I had just moved into the area and there was a local issue vote.

When I tried to vote they told me I couldn't because they weren't sure which way I'd vote. They told the guy ahead of me in line he couldn't vote because they knew he'd vote against the issue.

I raised a little hell and they called the local cop.

Suddenly I realized that it was just a power grab by the local politicos.

I shot everybody but the guy in line ahead of me and went back to sleep."

Dear Ahr8tch, I have no clue wtf this dream means but... what an awesome ending!!! Freakin A!!

You are a very sexual person.

Thank you,
Cowguy PDQ,MOM,DAD

And finally for the last one of todays analysis' we've got Sass

Here's Sass' little dream...

"I dreamed that I was driving, and Barack Obama was in the passenger seat. My husband was in the back. Next thing I know, Obama slips his hand inside my bra.

My husband laughed, smiled, and said...now THAT'S an elected official.

I then had a sit-down with michelle obama, who was white. And she told me it was okay, that he does it all the time.

Then I was given a secret entrance into the white house, where I just had to crawl over the blue filing cabinet, past the trash cans, and into the "big office." "

Dear Sass.....

You are a very sexual person.

Thank you,
Cowguy, PU,TCBY,UFO

Stay tuned for the next post where I finish up this highly professional dream analysis! Thanks for the participation and letting me show off some of my little known skills in this field!

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Let ME Analyze Your Dream

2009-10-20T08:18:00.003-05:00

I don't dream much... or if I do, I don't remember 'em. I've always been kinda envious of my wife Sal's ability to wake up, tell me in detail (usually bizarre detail) her dream.

I woke up a couple of mornings ago in a panic. That little bit of confusion where you're trying to decipher if that was a dream or if that was real, and then the nice soft comfort when you realize it was just a dream. That's a pretty cool feeling in and of itself. Anyhow... in my dream I walked into my shop, which was all different and in a different location, actually at a place that I lived about 13 years ago, and my tools were all gone. Not only my tools, but EVERYTHING. Someone had stolen every last item in my shop except..... a white washer and dryer combo.

No I do not have a washer/dryer in my shop in real life. Only in my dreams (wistfully!)

Also there was a lot of Latino style graffiti spray painted on my walls. I dunno... if it were Amish graffiti, I'd kinda understand it, 'cause we're crawling with Amish folks 'round here. Latinos? We're a little short on 'em. There's Jose at the mexican restaurant in town, but Jose likes me and wouldn't graffiti up my walls. That's 'bout it.

As I lay in bed I tried to figure out what the meaning of this dream was, and finally was able to decipher it. The missing tools mean that I take what I have for granted and the washer dryer combo showing up just means that I need to clean my shop and quit taking things for granted (once again) and the graffiti means that I need to go see Jose and order the Pollo Bandido.

Now I'm no doctor, no degree in psychiatry, my education... oh Lord. BUT I have had my arm up a cow's vagina (cowgina) on numerous occasions, fetching out calves, so THAT should give me some credibility (although I don't know why. I really just wanted to weave the word "cowgina" into my blog post). Here's what I want you to do...

Your most recent dream you've had (not the dirty ones, unless it involves me), post it down in the comments. I'll pick a few and do my best to analyze 'em for you and kinda set your mind at ease as far as dreaming goes. Okay? Okay.

Dang, I'm kinda proud of that little Photochoppery montage!!

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My Dad Just Called. The Bub Is Burned Out.

2009-10-15T08:49:00.003-05:00

I'm leaning on the cabinet in front of the coffee pot this morning and the phone rings. It's my Dad. As you regular readers remember my Dad is 82, sharp as a tack and I love screwing with him.

Dad... You awake?

Me... Yup. What's up?

Dad... I need you to come up here and put a new light bub in the bathroom for us.

Okay, now what everyone else on earth calls a "light bulb"... you'll find a good portion of Missouri Rednecks pronounce it "light bub". Missouri grammar lesson is over.

Me... What? (I'm preparing him by warming up to this just a bit)

Dad... I need you to put a new light bub in the bathroom for us. It burned out last night.

Me... Light bub?

Dad... Yes. In the bathroom.

Me... What?

Dad... I SAID, I NEED YOU TO PUT A NEW LIGHT BUB IN THE BATHROOM. IT BURNED OUT LAST NIGHT.

Me... Bub in the bathroom?

Dad... Can you hear me at all?

Now I'm getting him all fired up 'cause his phone frustration level starts AND ends at about 2 on a scale of 1 to 10. He hates phones that don't work perfectly. His cell phone frustrates him like trying to jog in sweatpants 3 sizes to big... just running and fighting the crotch and not getting anywhere. Dad fights the phone.

Me... Yeah I think so. Your bathroom is something or another.

Dad... (dad holding the phone away from his face to tell my mother) I DON'T KNOW. (Mom saying something to dad) I AM TELLING HIM ABOUT THE BUB THAT'S BURNED OUT!!!

Dad... okay, so when are you coming up here?

Me... Do I need to bring wrenches?

Dad... What???

Me... For the bathroom.

Dad... DAMNIT!!!! THE BUB IS BURNED OUT IN MY BATHROOM. COME AND PUT IN A NEW BUB FOR US THIS MORNING!!!! DID YOU HEAR THAT??

Me... (laughing uncontrollably now) Yeah.. you need a new bub in the bathroom.

Dad... There really is something wrong with you. Good bye!

So, I'm gonna head up there and do.... well ... you know.

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Craption It Monday

2009-10-12T07:45:00.003-05:00

Just do this for me... make my life simple, happy, carefree and relatively odorless.

Thank you in advance for your lovely craption of this picture.

Here I doctored this one up for you as sort of a Thank You gift for your craptioning efforts. Please, please. Enjoy. Forward it on to your mother, she'll love it!

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The Thing I Found Shot Dead In My Yard.

2009-10-08T08:02:00.004-05:00

We are rednecks. Lotsa stuff gets shot up around here, and dang it... we take pride in it. We're very rural (I can see my nearest neighbors house most of the time, but it's half a mile away)and we've got a large yard surrounded by empty fields on all 4 sides so if anyone takes a hankerin' to go shoot holes in something... it's a short trip to the range. :-) When our 24 year old son Jake is home there's even more shootin' taking place, with the help of several of his buddies a good bit of lead is flung around.

I've picked up some pretty odd things that were chosen targets, but none odder than this one. I don't know the story with this, I just found it. Dead. No amount of surgery will bring it back to life. Kablam! "Hello death!"

Now understand, we're not a sports oriented family. We don't watch 'em on tv. We don't attend them with 1000's of other people. We don't listen to 'em on the radio. We don't read about 'em in the paper. I found out that the baseball playoffs were happening right now because they were on in a friends house last night.

As far as I know, there has never been a football on the place... until now. And it's dead.

Did someone haul it outta their car by mistake, while here at our place... and the guys showing their displeasure, just shoot the living shit out of it? Perhaps someone traveling down the road in front of our place sailed it out of a window, teaching someone a lesson. Or maybe it was just sailing thru the air for miles and miles and miles and the boys shot it outta their airspace... just because.

I don't know. But it looks to have been a decent football at one point. Before being shot to death. And even though I have no interest in sports, I'm still touched a bit just by the visual carnage and I feel I have to name it.

"Someone wins... someone loses"

I added this a couple of weeks ago, "your your intermittently rotated video of abundant wtf". Click on the 3 headed sheep chair on the right sidebar once in awhile. You can't get high class entertainment selections like this at the 7-11.

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Guitars Cadillacs And Hillbilly Music

2009-10-05T08:08:00.005-05:00

A couple of weekends ago we spent a nice looong weekend at Bloomfield, Iowa at a music festival up there. I believe up until this year it's always been called a "Bluegrass" festival and this year was just called Bloomfield Music Festival. Anyhow Sal I went up and camped out with few thousand other folks... I don't know how many for sure but they had 500 camping units (rv's, campers etc) registered, plus tents everywhere.

Our band Keota doesn't quite fit the Bluegrass groove, our style of music is... different. ;-) It falls into the genre of Americana music. We play a few traditional bluegrass tunes, but more Country, some classic rock songs and blues. At any rate, the old hardcore bluegrass folks sometimes can be a little snooty when you wheel out a tune that you ain't singing through your nose. We worry 'bout that for 'bout 15 seconds and then just play what we want and have a blast.

We sat up playing on Friday night until 2 am and called it quits at 3 am Sunday morning. Pretty much non stop music. We played with some very gifted musicians, had one little gal that stopped by our camp and wanted to sing for us... and she could totally wail. If you take off walking in any direction in the campgrounds at night you'll find musicians set up and playing. Other musicians wandering around with a guitar or a banjo or a fiddle in their hands looking for a new group to play with. It's truly magical. People that look like they couldn't play a lick just totally blow you away with their talents.

We played on the flatbed trailer stage (LOL) one evening and drew in a real nice crowd. We figured that the crowd would either sit there and wonder "what the hell is this?" or we'd keep 'em busy enough that they'd love us.

They loved us. :-)

Here's a bunch of pictures from the weekend. Musicians, old timers, young people, one grandma that Sally caught doing the Hula Hoop in the campground when she thought no one was watching and... Kevin and his rooster. Yes, there are characters everywhere at one of these things. lol

I got you a video at the very end of us doing Wagon Wheel. Martina didn't make it up there with us and we missed her on the harmonies, but we managed to have fun without her. :-) (XO Martina lol)

Our CD is available over to the right there on my sidebar. Order up if you haven't already. It's a doozy! We'll have you smiling, I promise!

This was our little hacienda... complete with a genuine oil painting procured at a yard sale by Mary Beth, while were there for $2. People stopping by kept looking at it but must have felt odd asking why we had a German Victorian oil painting of jealous lovers hanging under our awning. Seemed normal to us. We had LOTS of Christmas lights too! Looked great at night!

And finally the video. If the embedding doesn't work (as it does sometimes on blogger) just click the link here.

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TIMBERRRRR!

2009-10-02T08:37:00.003-05:00

So this is how Monday went. I was sorta putting off actually writing this, sorta waiting for the next shoe to drop. It hasn't, and here goes.

I'd went up to the farm to do chores and thought I'd run a few tanks of gas through the chainsaw as long as I was up there, cut a little firewood you know. Now I'd just came from my folk's house (Mom is 77 Dad is 82) where they needed me to hook a phone up for 'em, so they knew I was in the woods.

I sawed down a pretty big red oak that I'd been eyeballing, bout a 30-32 inch diameter tree and started trimming it up to cut the firewood out. What I did'nt see was the 4" live hickory tree that the top had fell on, doubling it over into a "U" shape and throwing a few thousand pounds of torque on the largish limb I had just sank my chainsaw into.

With the pressure of the hickory on the limb, it pinched my chainsaw in the kerf I was cutting... and how. It was really big time hung. I can't remember the last time this happened. So anyhow, knowing my Dad was just languishing around the house when I'd left there I thought I'd just call him to bring me his chainsaw so I could cut mine outta the limb. I was only 'bout a mile and a half from their house.

Me... *phone ringing*

Mom... Hello

Me... Hey Mom is Dad there?

Mom... No, he's gone. What do you want?

Me... Nothing, never mind.

Mom... Are you hurt?? (I get this a lot)

Me... No, I'm fine. Bye Mom.

Mom... Well what do you want? (mostly this is just because she wants to have a conversation)

Me... I've got my saw stuck and if Dad was there I was gonna see if he'd run his saw over here.

Mom... What do you mean it's stuck? How do you get a saw stuck?

Me... never mind mom.

Mom... I can bring you the saw. (Now Mom has quit driving, and for good reason. She falls quite and bit and when she's not falling she's refusing to use her cane because it makes her "look old". The rest of the time she just stands and teeters, almost ready to fall.)

Me... yeah Mom. Get the saw, gas it up for me. Get it warmed up if you would, then just run it over here.

Mom... *giggling* Smart ass.

Mom... Your Dad has his cell phone with him for a change. Call him. He's probably just outside or something.

Me... *phone ringing*

Dad... Hello?

Me... Hey Dad, where are you?

Dad... I'm way down here by your house. I saw smoke and wanted to see where the fire was. Big big fire on the conservation property.

Me... *sigh* Okay, well enjoy the fire.

Dad... What do you want? Are you hurt? (again I get this)

Me... No, my saw is stuck, I thought if you were close by you could bring me your saw.

Dad... (this is like asking a 10 year old boy to borrow his pocketknife. He is thrilled that I want to use his chainsaw) I'LL BE RIGHT THERE!!! (and he hangs up on me just like * that.)

About 30 minutes later (I coulda went and got his saw 10 times by now... myself)Dad shows up in his truck, in the woods, with his chainsaw. His saw is 3 years old but has never been used. He got a notion he needed a new chainsaw, went and got one, and then it was too hard for him to pull the rope... so there it is.

Me... Does it have gas in it?

Dad... Yeah, it's full. It's been in there for 3 years, *my eyes get big* but I put that stuff in there that Paul Harvey says keeps your gas fresh.

Me... Dad, did you know Paul Harvey is dead?

Dad... Yes Jace. I know Paul Harvey is dead.

And I start yanking on the rope... and yanking and yanking and yanking. FINALLY it starts but will only run at half throttle. I shut off and take the gas cap off.

Dad... It still smells okay (the gas) doesn't it?

Me... It smells like varnish Dad. Paul Harvey has let you down.

Dad... I don't think it's the gas Jace, I think the carb needs adjusted.

Me... Dad... it's the damned gas. It's rotten. Trust me. *as I pour it out on the ground.

Dad... I can't believe you just wasted that gas.

Me... *just staring at my Dad*

I fill the saw up with my gas, start it up and in about 1 minute it's running like it should. I start cutting away some limbs, mostly scared to death that I'm gonna cut the wrong thing and get my arm or leg busted or my punkin smashed with a spring loaded limb. I'm going back and forth from one side of the humongous tree to the other, cutting a little each time.

At this point Dad has retrieved his 5 gallon bucket from the back of his truck and perched himself on his throne and is watching me. I can see his lips moving and him pointing and motioning, giving me advice... but I'm just going about my business. Finally he starts waving his arms like he's signaling a plane to land on the deck of an aircraft carrier... and I shut the saw off.

Dad... You're gonna have to cut a block out to get your saw out Jace.

Me... Can you even see what I've got going on?

Dad... Well your saw is pinched...

I pull back a limb that I've already cut off, exposing the doubled over Hickory tree.

Dad... Shitfire Jace!!!! That's dangerous. You better be careful in.... (and I restarted the saw)

Finally I got my saw out without killing myself or busting arms and stuff. I took Dad's saw back to Dad's truck.

Dad... Boy I'm sure glad you got my saw running. I guess that Paul Harvey stuff ain't as good as he says it is.

Me... "said" it is...

Dad... Huh?

Me... Said. He's dead.

Dad... That's what I hear.

Dad picks up his throne, tosses it in the back of his truck and gets in.

Dad... Well, you need anything else?

Me... Nope. That's bout it.

So, what started out to be a simple little thing, turned all inside out. I spent most of the afternoon doing something that I was gonna just spend a couple of hours at, and then go home.

That's usually the way it goes for me though. lol

Oh, OH and I've got poison ivy all over both arms. Completely. It's making me insane(r). It just adds to the memory.

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Just Pondering

2009-09-29T07:49:00.004-05:00

My friend Gary drives a truck for a living. Once or twice a week I get a call from him on the road and the conversation starts like this. "Hey, I've been pondering and...." and then he'll go into some subject like TV antennas or gas mileage or frog farming (yeah, once he pondered about frog farming) and it's always an interesting conversation. Sometimes it's pretty weird, but that's cool.

Anyway Sal and I were in Sam's Club yesterday and I got to pondering myself. Now looking around in the store you can see folks that obviously are running a business and are there buying food supplies or cleaning supplies, etc. You can tell by looking at their cart... and I'm a genius and stuff, so I can surmise this without much brain strangulation. But the rest of these people, like Sal and I... we're just wandering around buying huge quantities of merchandise and food that we normally wouldn't buy because.... because why?

I don't know.

I pondered upon the fact that we came home with something like 73 pounds of butter, a double tube package of Preparation H (seriously...wtf?) 5 pounds of grapes, a package of AA batteries so humongous Sally had to get me to put it in the cart, and a 75 pound bag of dog food for our 2, 12 pound cockapoos.

I don't know.

I pondered on the man wandering around the store in the too short cutoff jeans. Looked to be about 70, knee brace, cane, full beard, dirty cap that just said "RETIRED"... followed by his wife pushing the cart with nothing in it but 4 ginormous bottles of cheap whiskey. I told Sally I just found D.B. Cooper and it looks like he's hit hard times. And then I pondered on why he was here. In Sam's Club. Buying whiskey.

I don't know.

I watched the Asian man going to the checkout with nothing else in his cart except prepackaged blueberry bran muffins. About 15 packages of 25. I pondered why a man would need that many blueberry bran muffins, or ANY kind of muffins in that quantity. Was he feeding a bunch of kids with sympathetic constipation problems? Was he hoarding them for some unknown blueberry bran muffin famine that I was oblivious to? Why?

I don't know.

I pondered, as we walked out of the store... what if the old guy that counts the crap in your basket and then makes the pink mark on your receipt... what if he doesn't like what he sees? Would he radio in for support? Would he blow a whistle? Would I make a break for it? Would there be handcuffs involved. What happens if all that looking around at my stuff in my basket and pink marker business didn't coincide with what the old guy is pondering. I'm just guessing you'd go to jail. And that right there is most likely reason enough to carry a gun when you're shopping in Sam's Club.

I might be wrong on that one. I don't know...

And while I'm pondering (this has nothing to do with Sam's Club) where the hell did the term "Royal Dipshit" come from? Sentence form: "Good grief... that guy is a royal dipshit."

I may need my friend iNDefatigable mjenks to help me out with this one. Jenks is a genius with Latin and it's obvious to me (and should be to you as well. :-) ) that royal dipshit has Latin roots.

I don't know.

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Things Heard In A Cattle Barn

2009-09-24T18:43:00.002-05:00

We worked about 90 head of calves today and pregnancy tested about 10 cows. "Working"? That's a round of vaccinations, castrating bulls, worming etc. Basically all the stuff that makes them marketable so you wanna see 'em on your dinner table and on your grill. I'll do the icky part, you do the eatin' part. Okay? Okay.

During the course of a day things get said that you normally don't hear in everyday life, and some things that just make you laugh.. because. This post is things that I heard today with 5 of us, including the vet and his assistant.

"Watch 'em run back 100 feet from the gate. I don't need the exercise."

"What's wrong with number 30?"
"She's got issues, try to ignore her. She embarrasses easily."

"Could it get any f'in wetter out here?"
"Yes."
*Rain immediately starts coming down harder*

"Wish I'd brought a spoon."
"What?"
"Wish I'd brought a spoon. It's chilly today and I like chili."
*giggles*

"I really need a bucket of corn up at that end."
"Doesn't everyone?"
"Normally.. no."

"Why the hell do we have to push this thing back every freakin' time?" *everyone shrugs*

"I don't think I've seen cow shit squirt quite that far before."
"Distance was definitely a 10, but I give her a 6 for performance."
*golf clap*

"If that one's open, I'm eating her."
"She's 1st period pregnant."
"I'll just eat chicken."

"Where's that smoke coming from?"
"That cow's hoof."
"Holy crap!"

"Remember that Amish guy's cow that caught on fire?"
"WHAT?"
"Yeah, he put it out with his hat."
"Serious?"
"Serious."
"I've never seen that happen."
"Not many have."

"WATCH THAT BLACK... " *gate climbing like crazy* "SOMEBODY LET HER OUTTA THAT END BEFORE SHE KILLS ME!"
"Jace, you want me to come and save you?"
"Goatfarmer..."
"Say that with a smile."
"Goatfarmer with a smile."
"Kiss my ass."
*laughter*

"You sellin' that one?"
"I ain't taking her home to meet my mother with an ugly set of tits like that."
(her udder had gone south as we say in the cow business) *crude laughter*

"You got a glob of shit on your hat."
"I know."

"That one got horns?"

"Whoa WHOA WHOA!! Grab that gate!! Grab.... never mind."

"Nice cow stick."
"Thanks, I made it myself."

"How come the stop pipe is always on the other side of the chute?"
"How come you're on that side of the chute?"
"Good question..."

"One more remark about those 6 Holstein calves and I'll be asking for a discount."

"Remember that time I saved your life?"
"I remember the time you pushed me in front of that killer cow. That's what I
remember."
"Your memory sucks. It really does. Your mom made me a pie for saving your life. Your sister wanted to marry me"
"I don't have a sister, dumbass."
"Oh... that musta been your wife."

"I'm going home."
"Me too."

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It Was Bound To Happen... Now What?

2009-09-22T19:17:00.003-05:00

So I went into town today, had to deliver some furniture and run some errands, one of which was a quick trip into our grocery store. Got my stuff and was checking out, the clerk "Teresa" stood there looking at me. I stood there with my bankcard in my hand ready to swipe it. Teresa looked at me some more. I looked at Teresa. I looked at the cash register. Teresa continued looking at me.

So I'm kinda used to people looking at me around town... and not that I'm some sort of big high falootin' celebrity or something, but lots of people watch my woodworking show on TV, others know me from the band, Keota... and according to Sal, all the rest I'm either related to or know personally. I get looked at. So back to my story now that I've beat that in the ground like a tent stake.

Finally Teresa leans across the counter very close to my face and says something...

Me... What?

Teresa... *weakly* Senior discount?

Me... *jaw dropped* Excuse me?

Teresa... I'm just looking at you, you look to be about my age. Do you want a senior discount?

Me... Get out of here!

Teresa... If you're 50 you get a discount.

Me... *still incredulous* No shit?

Teresa... Really.

Me... Heck yeah! Gimme my dang discount! Is it like 50% or something good like that?

Teresa... *poking a key on the register* Let's see.

I'd bought some carrots, celery, cereal, basically "C" food with some potatoes and onions too.

Teresa... Ha! It took 60 cents off your total.

Me... You need a raise. Actually I don't know whether to kiss you or smack you one. Wanna know something?

Teresa... *giggling like a psychopath* What?

Me... C'mere. *she leans in* You just got my senior citizen discount virginity. How was it?

We're both laughing, but she's cryin and leaning with both hands holding her up on the side of the counter.

I started out of the store, stopped and turned and said "You be a good girl now" and she completely came unhinged again and her customer was just staring at the both of us.

I walked out in the parking lot and called Sal.

Me... Honey, good news.

Sal... What now?

She's sorta used to these odd little phone calls while I'm in town. Usually she's not impressed with what I think are awesome little revelations or relating to her things that I saw in town.

Me... I just got a senior discount at Prengers.

Sal... You're kidding.

Me... I'm serious as the day is long. Senior discount.

Sal... Okay, then, how come "I" never get a senior discount in there? I'm older than you!

Me... I don't know. You'll have to take that up with Teresa.

Sal... Who's Teresa?

And so it went. Then I got home, made a post on facebook about my new senior citizen discount status, that thread has turned into a freakin' novel. My friends and family seem to think I need to just go ahead and get my casket built cause it's just a matter of a few short minutes now and I'll be needing it.

Oh well.

Take me with you when you're shopping. I'll save you some money.

.

HA!

2009-09-18T08:04:00.002-05:00

Me. Sal. Mini weekend vacation.

We are thrilled silly. A long weekend of nothing but playing music up in the land of the Iowegens. If you are in the Bloomfield neighborhood... stop by the place with 500 campers sitting in it. :-)

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Life Is Short...

2009-09-17T07:51:00.002-05:00

Just advice today, that's all.

Never miss a chance to let the people in your life know what they mean to you. A life comes, a breeze blows, and before you can turn around... they're gone.

Although as lives sometimes do, we'd drifted away slightly... it never erased the spark in our eyes when we ran into one another, both remembering years past with a sly grin. Traveling together, hunting, shooting and just hanging out.

We had some times man. I miss you already Scott.

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Oh Chigger

2009-09-15T18:39:00.004-05:00

I went to the woods Sunday morning, knocked around some, cut a load of firewood, forgot to spray down with insect repellent... I am ate up. I've got chigger bites all over my "area", down my legs, on my belly, on my ass... and a few on my arms.

I started wondering what the heck a chigger looks like, I'd never seen one to know what the heck it was. Here's one. It's that little bitty red dot at the end of the fingernail in this pic. (that ain't my pic... I stoled it offa the internets) Click it if'n you wanna see it bigger!

Here's a magnified pic of one all blowed up and stuff.

Heebie Geebies eh? Gah.

Because I'd also been in poison Ivy, I came right home, hopped in the scalding hot shower, scrubbed like a meth addict picking at a sore... and I still got ate up. At least I didn't get poison.

Anyhow I wanna recite y'all a little poem.

Oh Chigger
By Cowguy

Oh chigger, you cause me grief,
I found you in the woods, perched upon a leaf.
You jumped onto me and went down in my pants,
Now all I do is scratch... and adjust my stance.

You bit me upon my skin pore,
You're worthless and disgusting, you dirty little whore.
You chomped for a second without rebuke...
You heaved your little chigger gut until you up and puked.

I think my life might have been perfect and bigger,
If it had'nt been for you, you little jackass, you chigger.
My man area itches like something's alive,
I hope you're dead, that you didn't survive.

Oh chigger,
Oh chigger.
Oh chigger,
You suck.

Thank you.

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I'm Almost Back

2009-09-14T08:10:00.003-05:00

Just taking a bit of a break from the blog. Sal and I have been SUPER busy this summer, going in a dozen different directions at once. The door to our home has been spinning for the past 2 months, but it's starting to wind down... I think. :-) I apologize for leaving my regular readers hanging for over a week. I'll bring you the funny shortly!

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It's Labor Day Weekend Y'all

2009-09-05T08:27:00.002-05:00

You know the rules of no wearing of the white after Labor Day... so how much more perfect could the timing be to take up BBQ sauce artisting. And what better timing for me to post a video and take the cheap way out of a blog post.

Seriously though... I was entertained like crazy by this video.

I'm Jace. I'm a redneck.

Here's the link if the embedding doesn't work for you.

So long summer! Buh bye!

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Things Heard In A Hayfield.

2009-09-04T08:43:00.002-05:00

E pulled into the hayfield I was mowing in a couple of evenings ago and stopped me.

E. "You probably wanna stop mowing."

Me. "Why's that?"

E. "Balers broke again"

Me. "What happened this time?"

E. "Computer went wacky and was throwing error codes"

Me. "What'd the screen say?" *like I could do anything about it*

E. "WHOA MOTHER*****R!!!"

Me. "I'm going home..."

E. "Me too"

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This Is What You Need To Read Today...

2009-09-03T00:15:00.003-05:00

My lil' buddy Sass is moving on to professional writing, this last post... you need to read it. Skills abound.

Later Kid.

J.

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Satan Beware! I've Got A Mowing Machine!!!

2009-08-30T16:40:00.010-05:00

I've been out of the hayfield for a few days trying to play catchup in the shop, but thought I'd show you what I'm usually driving when we're putting up hay for the herd for winter feeding.

This is a disc mower...

...and here it is up in transport position. It's got all sorts of spinny knife things that hack the hay off at ground level, letting you drive like a madman creating mayhem in your path. Mayhem is my favorite. I've been a fan for years.

For those of y'all that have put up hay in years past, you're probably more familiar with a sickle bar mower. Good Lord I've done my time on those things. They usually cut pretty good for 58 minutes on any given day and then you bend some guards or knock out a section or the sickle comes loose or you turn it into the brush guard of a 74 Chevy pickup sitting at the end of the field and pretty much ruin everything and just finish out that day drinking beer talking 'bout old girlfriends and such.

Not that THAT has ever happened to me...

Maybe.

These disc mowers... they are pure genius. If you knock a knife off (rare) you just bolt a new one in. Sharpen them every 40 acres or so, mow thru already mown hay... they just keep going.

Us cowguys love these things. If I wasn't already married to Sal, I'd consider marrying a disc mower. The love making sessions might be a little too rough though...

Wait...

So anyhow, the other day I was thinking just how perfect this thing is, and then I noticed the devil warnings on it. Yes. Devil warnings. Egads.

Trying to decipher what this all meant to a man just wanting to mow hay, I slowly made sense of it all. There are ways to hack the devil to pieces, but don't use a disc mower. No, no, no. Choose another venue. The people that invented these have surely done some careful and deliberate research. Although using a spellchecker wasn't part of that research...

Firstly... Do not hack Beelzebub in half with this. Then you've got 2 devils to deal with. On a hot day in the hay field, friend... you DO NOT want that. One is plenty.

Do not cut off the firey red flaming cowboy boot from Hell. I don't know what would happen, it most likely would involve a lot of running though. I'm a shitty runner. I'm a better hobbler, but I'm pretty slow at any rate.

Finally DO NOT cut off the flaming, talon tipped hand from the hoary bowels of Hell. Then as you know, you've got this thing crab walking all over creation like Thing in the Adams family, only with the power to snag your soul and ruin your existence for all eternity.

I pity the research men that had to find all this out in person just to keep me safe.

I'm Jace. I know my warning signs.

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Jennifer And Snandi...

2009-08-28T08:15:00.003-05:00

"Vengeance shall be mine!" sayeth the Cowguy.

For the uninformed, 2 gals, ex sister in laws, one in Minnesota, one in Texas... somehow decided to blog together. They've both got a couple of screws loose, but I love 'em to pieces. Jennifer and Sandi (known from here on out as Snandi for afternoon tippling typing that she is wont to do).

I have no clue how this started, but pictures of me started showing up on my Facebook with this damned squirrel a couple of days ago. And then, I actually start to make my blog rounds this morning, a thing I've been missing lately... and here was...

THIS!

See what I mean?

In light of all of this, I realized that we just don't see pics of these two fruitloops around the internets, and there's probably a whole bunch of you that wonder what the heck they look like. Well, I smuggled this pic out of their facebook profiles. It ain't pretty. Brace yourself.

That's Snandi on the left and Jennifer on the right. Shocking eh?

It had to come out sooner or later.

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Ted? Is That You?

2009-08-26T08:05:00.003-05:00

Sometimes the internetubuals write my blog posts for me. I thought 'bout titling this one "Irony", but changed my mind at the posting of it 'cause the definition of the word irony didn't really fit the situation. An early morning Googling....

And my Grandma taught me to say nice things 'bout folks, 'specially the ones that couldn't speak up for themselves...

Ted, you were good at drinkin'. RIP.

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Sometimes The Internets Freak Me Out.

2009-08-23T09:05:00.003-05:00

I'm pretty well harshed to 'bout anything that I run across on the internets, but once in awhile... I get something sent to me that gets my "recoil in horror" mode up out of standby and running at full speed with the nitrous kicked on.

This is a real product. A real toy... wait, just watch the freakin' video.

Okay. There.

*in my best psychiatrist voice* "And how do you feel about that?"

I'm no prude. I'm a big fan of breastfeeding. Hell I'm a big fan of breasts all over the dang place. I like 'em plenty. But... the little nipple vest that the child slips on, and then sticks little baby weirdo up to it and as Jackie Gleason used to say, "And awaaaay we go!" That just crosses a line for me. If a nursing mom were sitting next to me in public, and had their baby on the boob, naturally I would notice, it's hard not to. But I'd just go back to my magazine or movie or whatever and ignore them.

If a 7 year old girl... or even weirder, but conceivably a possibility, a 7 year old boy sits next to me with this thing suckling... cousin, I'm gonna get up and move.

Lordy.

Gahhh!

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Family Photos Are SOOO Difficult At Our House.

2009-08-21T06:53:00.003-05:00

Every single person that is a member of this family is a devout smartass. It's true. We vary a little bit in degrees of smartassedness, but we all possess the little genetic quirk that betrays us (as a family) of projecting forth the facade of a Ward and June Cleaver type of brood.

In all honesty, it's probably a mode of survival that we've thrown ourselves into just to live through all the sarcasm and insanity that is here. But we're really good at it. Every single last one of us. We've even got little ones under 6 in training for smartass. They're doing quite well.

As such, anytime we get most of the brood together, we TRY to get a nice family photo. It almost NEVER works. The camera works pretty good, but the fog of smartass..... well that's a pretty difficult thing to focus through. I just received this pic, among others, from my daughter, in my email this morning. This is from last weekend when 3 out of 4 kids were here, and 3 grandkids.

You really need to click on the pic, just peruse it over. Bear in mind that you cannot pose a picture such as this, greatness as shown here, just happens. Please don't ask what the hell is going on in the picture, 'cause I don't remember... but it's just awesome.

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Will You Marry Me?

2009-08-18T09:03:00.005-05:00

Yesterday we shot a couple of my woodworking shows out in the shop here and Tom the regular cameraman was off on another assignment so Martina ended up being the lucky duck to run the show. :-) For the uninformed, Martina is a singer in our band. She's a treasure... gifted with voice and personality and just a beautiful person.

The day before her boyfriend Randy called Sal and a plan came about. Randy was going to ask her to marry him and wanted it to be a total 100 percent surprise, so it was all gonna take place in my shop while we taped the show.

He pulled in our east driveway to keep his car hidden, Sal came out to the shop and handed off a large cardboard box to me (with the ring in it). While she chatted with Martina about lunch I took the ring outta the cardboard box and dropped it into a cool little wooden box that I'd made a couple of years ago for Sally.

Martina never suspected a thing.

Sally almost went overboard with "call me when you guys are about done, I want to come out and video you two for a little bit while you're doing the show". But Martina was in work mode and.... the stage was set.

I called Sal and told her to come on out. She got her video running of Martina and I, and I said "hey let's take a break". I walked over to the box with the ring in it, handed it to Martina and said "This is what I kinda want to do for the next show, what do you think?" She opened it and KABLOOEY! A diamond!

So then it got a little tense. LOL She was confused. I thought "Oh crap she thinks I'm a weirdo", 'cause Randy was dilly dallying outside, waiting ENTIRELY too long to stroll in, but then he did.

Click here if the embedded video doesn't play for you.

Now I'm an old softy and I got all teary, Sal did too. Y'all can get a tissue now too. :-) Totally incredible. Totally.

Randy is 'bout a year and a half out from having his veterinary degree, hence the "vet's assistant" comment.

Sally and I are pretty darn lucky folks to know these 2. We love 'em to pieces and I think they think we're "alright" too. We wish them all the best for the rest of their lives.

Thanks for letting us play a part in this. You're both awesome!

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Weeeee Haaavvveee A Winner!!! And Then Another Winner!!!

2009-08-17T07:19:00.003-05:00

Sally and I got up bright and early this morning, and got dressed for this momentous occasion. She slipped into a slinky black sequined evening gown, complete with some nasty high heels and long black gloves. Me? I pulled on an old pair of cutoffs, a T shirt from 1990 advertising Red Dog beer, a pair of Crocs with no socks.

God we look great together!

Anyhow I tossed the names of all the new followers of S and C into a coffee cup... then I made some more names and made sure I got an empty coffee cup this time and tossed 'em in again. I held the cup high in the air, she waltzed glamorously in a circle around me, one hand on her hip, and dramatically drew a piece of paper from my Wolverine coffee cup.

I nearly fainted from all the excitement.

And the winner of the Sawdust and Cowpies "Follow This" contest is............

SBROWN, who happens to be the newest follower as well.

Now I haven't contacted SBrown as of yet to tell her of her glorious winning, she will be featured in a blog post right here in just a few short days. I don't rightly know if she's got a blog, but she's gonna wish she had one.

SBrown... I'm gonna have my way with you, but in a nice way. heh heh.

Alrighty our other winner from Sass' Keota CD Giveaway is The Retired One. I like this gal. Always has something positive to say and just cute as a button... lookie...

... I told you so. Don't you wanna just adopt her or something? Anyhow she's getting a copy of Keota's CD "Salute" sent out to her this morning. Thanks Sass and thanks TRO!

Okay, shooting 2 new woodworking show segments TODAY, I gotta git!

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ATTENTION EVERYONE!

2009-08-15T09:00:00.004-05:00

Just so you know...

Okay, Monday we're picking a winner....

... from all the new followers of Sawdust and Cowpies, so get on the list, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, if you wanna chance at being featured in a S and C blog post. I wanna have my way with you, baby!

Have an awesome weekend folks!

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It Was An Experiment In Tenderness

2009-08-12T07:38:00.004-05:00

We're going great guns in the hayfields right now, probably have ran over 500 acres or more of hay so far with quite a bit left to go.

I usually run a mower, which obviously puts me being the first guy over the field. After the mower, the hay lays in the field for a day or two, depending on the denseness of the hay, the weather, ground moisture, wind... yada yada. Then we run a machine over it called a tedder. This is just a machine pulled by a tractor that stirs the hay, brings the wet hay up from the ground and fluffs it all up on top. After it lays for a few hours, depending on the weather once again, we pull a huge V rake over it. This rolls the hay into large windrows, fluffs it up once again, and has it ready to run it through the baler. Then... the baler, pulled by a tractor, gathers up the windrow of hay, winds it into a bale weighing about 1500 pounds, wraps it in net wrap, and kicks it out.

Ta Da!

The Experiment.

About a week ago I was mowing hay and growing out in the field was clump of weeds that's not too common in this part of Missouri, called Prairie Blazing Star. The tall purple blooms on these things are pretty spectacular when they're at their peak.

(that's a picture I snagged offa the intertubes... didn't have my camera with me at the time)

Anyhow, I kept mowing closer to the Blazing Stars and when I got to 'em... I decided to just mow around 'em. All four sides. I made a definite effort to kinda "trim around 'em" a bit.

And then I said nothing to no one about 'em... 'cause I just wanted to see if the next 3 guys, all fairly rough and calloused farmers, pulling the tedder, the rake, and the baler would do likewise, seeing the beauty of these brilliant purple flowers still standing in the middle of a mown hayfield.

I finished up a field yesterday evening and drove over to the field with the blazing stars, with my camera this time. Now a week has gone by, and the blooms have about half fallen off of them... and someone did get a little close, probably with the rake, and snagged it just a little bit, but... everyone of those tough guys that followed me showed a little tendernous, and drove around this clump of purple beauty that stood there, when it would have been much easier just to keep driving straight ahead.

Pretty cool eh?

In other news, my little buddy Sass over at Are You Sassified got so damned giddy with a Keota CD that I sent her, she blogged it up... then is giving away ANOTHER ONE. She's gonna drive the band to bankruptcy I tell you. Sass is one very VERY talented girl with a keyboard and a brain. She's reduced me to giggles and brought me to tears with her writing. Go check her out.

Thanks Sass, you're pretty awesome!

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Crap That's On My Desktop II

2009-08-10T21:11:00.015-05:00

The desktop of my laptop is the catchall for everything that I think I need to save that I run across on the interwebs. I hoard. The last time I played show and tell with the mess on my desktop, the voyeur in y'all seemed to kinda like perusing through my rubbish. So... there's part two of this wonderful wonderful mess of shit in no particular order of orderness.

Our kids...

Not our kids...

Little beerhound...

Ah yes... spurs, romance... sigh.

Mmmmm SPICY!

Awwww Roxie when she was brand spanky new...

Well. That was fun!

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I've Got A Fungus Twice As Big As My Head!

2009-08-09T14:23:00.005-05:00

Yesterday evening I came in from the hayfield and glanced out the living room window and noticed something stuck on the side of the giant maple tree on the West side of our house, I couldn't really figure out what the hell I was seeing so I went out there with my antique digital cramera. (Crameras are much better than cameras... more features) Anyway this is what I saw... up on the side of the tree about 9 feet up, growing out of a knot... this enormous fungus/mushroom thing. It's gotta be like 16 inches across or more. It's HUGE.

Here. Here's a pic back aways from it some so you got some scale.

Pretty weird eh? I don't know nuthin' 'bout fungi, so I can't really name it or nothing... but I CAN tell you this... it get's weirder.

As I was taking the pictures off the camera, I noticed something in one of the shots... I zoomed in, tweaked it a touch and this is what I saw.

Yeah... now if that ain't Abe Freakin' Vigoda's face right there on my tree fungus, I'll kiss your butt for a month of Sundays cousin. I've got a message in to the National Enquirer right now.

Hey... it can't always be Jesus or Elvis. Sometimes you get Abe.

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Here's A Tip!

2009-08-07T20:56:00.003-05:00

So we were playing one of those gigs last Tuesday night... that won't be forgot. Holy smokes, was it an epic event! I don't think I've laughed as hard while playing... well, ever. The owner of the joint that we were playing stopped me when we were done and said "We ARE doing this next year on this exact same day again!"

You like hearing stuff like that.

It was hot as hell, everyone in the band was drenched... but SO worth it. Sal couldn't stop laughing all the way home.

Anyway 'bout halfway through our second set, a pretty well ruined bar patron staggered up to me and did a whiskey whisper directly in my face... "Can you plaaaaahhy Your Cheatin Hearrrrrt?"

As soon as I regained oxygen in my lungs I told Prince Charming that we didn't do that song.

He said "Cannn you just do ANYTHING Hannnnnk Sr." I said "You bet your ass man". And then real coy like he slips a wadded up bill in my hand and gives me a knowing smile.

So now I'm thinking, heck, this guy is alright. I say into the mic we're gonna do a Hank Sr. song for old money bags over there holding that wall up... I pull the wadded bill outta my pocket to wave in front of Martina's face, and then I noticed the enormous amount of money that had been shoved in my paw...

Eh well... I screwed the song up. :-)

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Forgive Me, For I Am A Slug.

2009-08-07T10:32:00.002-05:00

Man... it's been a constant whirlwind of "stuff" here lately. Between work in the shop, the new CD coming out, trying to get hay done in the field, and on and on... Sawdust and Cowpies has suffered from neglect, as have you my readers. And my regular route of bloggers that I look forward to reading each day, I ain't had time.

But I will.

The hillarity in my life has in no way ran out. Good Lord, it's accelerated. I'll bring y'all up to speed SOON! ;-)

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Finally! Keota's New CD Is Out!

2009-08-03T07:28:00.003-05:00

Well, it's done. I'm almost giddy. Hell I AM giddy! Giddy giddy giddy giddy.

Giddy.

After LOTS of long long hours of recording over the course of several days and nights, and several more hours of mixing. (Bob Davis Recording, who recorded and mixed this album for us has the patience of Job, and studio skills unknown to mortal men.) Then literally months of legal insanity getting the mechanical licensing purchased on 9 of the 12 songs... AND THEN (lol) about 2 1/2 days of Sally, the graphic arts genius, designing and manipulating all of the cover and CD artwork... *deep breath* IT'S FOR SALE!

"Saluté" Is performed entirely by us, no outside musicians or vocalists. 100 percent Keota! 3 of the songs are originals, 2 written by Mary Beth (I am your daughter and Barrel 3) and one written by me (Living like I do). If you're dying to hear my bird like singing voice, I do the vocals on Living Like I Do, Wagon Wheel, and Cherokee Boogie. It's a major fun album, it truly is. From Wagon Wheel, (when we perform it live we get "backup singers" from the audience) to Martina pouring everything into Broken Wing to the ending of Cherokee Boogie (where you WILL smile)... it's pure Keota.

Our style of music is "Americana". A fairly new categorized genre, that is very eclectic. It's not folk, it's not rock, it's not country, it's not bluegrass, it sure as hell ain't classical or jazz... it's... Americana.

We've got 'em up for sale on our website www.keotamusic.com ... $15 bucks plus a buck fifty for postage, all major credit cards, paypal and all that jazz works. If you're local here, contact any of the band members or me and we'll get y'all hooked up. If you wanna mail me a check, contact me thru email at contact@keotamusic.com and I'll get a mailing address back to you.

Thanks in advance friends!

I guarantee you'll be grinnin'.

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You Too Can Be A Winner!

2009-07-30T20:50:00.003-05:00

I'm nearing a landmark here at Sawdust and Cowpies... see that there little thing over to the right where all those happy happy faces are and it says "People who will inherit my sense of humor when I die"? It's hovering pretty close to the 100 mark and there's plenty of lurkers to join the ranks and take that over the top.

Here's the deal. Get your name on that list and one of y'all between number 96 and 110 or 120 or whatever it hits, is gonna get a blog post all about them. I have no idea what about, I don't write nothing ahead and just kinda sit down and wing every single post. It might be fictional, it might be fact. If you've got an active blog, I promise I'll drag a few folks to you. If you don't have one, Lord have mercy on your soul. I'll have Sal draw a number out of a hat or something equally official. She'll probably wear something pretty while she does it. I'll be in a dirty t shirt and cutoffs... if that matters.

Just do it.

With that, I'm jumping track here completely. I ran across this little commercial for a little exercise machine... I have no real words to help you through this, that in and of itself should be sufficient warning.

Just watch the thing...

I told you so.

Oh wait... I found a cool old advertisement!

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Wood Erotica

2009-07-29T07:23:00.006-05:00

Boy oh boy, yesterday's post musta been a major piece of dungage... I can't remember the last time I got 1 comment on a post. Jerry, bless your pea picking heart, you're a dedicated reader and a pal.

Hopefully I can redeem myself.

Hopefully.

I just finished up a job making a bunch of reproduction stairway parts for a local courthouse built in 1890, which is kind of a yawner in and of itself.

Stairway spindles and newel post caps. Oak. Big uns. So there they be.

Oh wait... I promised wood erotica didn't I?

I found a willing subject that agreed to pose. I don't personally know the guy, but I've tried to hide his identity, that whole "protect the innocent" thing. I present you with *drum roll*

Woobs!

Oh settle down...

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Sing Your Guts Out, Girl.

2009-07-27T19:55:00.005-05:00

I am gonna soak up your time with music videos today. Hooray for me!!

I was working yesterday in the shop, doing kinda mundane work where my mind wanders. I went out in the yard where my mind had wandered off too, put it back on it's leash and jabbed it back in my punkin... ah hem... anyway, I had a song super stuck in the vast expanse of my brain. That song? "Baby It's You." Now wait... not the Beatles bubble gummy version, not the Shirelles version from 61, but the wailing your lungs out version from "Smith".

Smith was a one hit band, and THIS was it. Gayle McCormick, a local girl from St. Louis could fling it out there. So here you go, Baby It's You being introduced by Leslie Uggums. Dig that headband, looks like beer tabs with a thing in front that seems to keep making the poor girl crosseyed.

And then, you know how I am with Youtube, I got started watching videos, but I'm selective. I'm calling this little montage trio of videos... "White Girls Singing Their Balls Off". Here's Janis tearing it up and wrong side out with a song you don't get to hear much. "To Love Somebody"... The Bee Gees shoulda went to prison for what they did to this. Seriously.

Lastly... I've got Melissa. I saw her do this exact performance on Letterman one night in about 92 or 93 or so. I'd not heard of her before then and I watched her wailing her heart out, loving the music that she was playing, that gravely voice that she put it all into. I thought, eh she's a little butch looking in those pants, but I could fall in love with her. Then like a week later she broke my heart and announced she was a lesbian and had no need for a man like me.

Eh well. That's the way it goes. Melissa Etheridge, "I'm The Only One".

Hey! YOU! Quit Screwing Around With My Lightbubs!

2009-07-23T07:27:00.005-05:00

I'm getting old enough and my eyes are getting tired enough... I appreciate a good lightbub where I'm working or reading. (before we go any further, it IS lightbub, not lightbulb... Say after me, "Lightbub". You're welcome.)And as with anything that's working perfectly fine, to the point that you don't even notice it working fine... someone decides to go screw it up. If the monkey is happy and being good, you don't run in his cage, beat him with a stick and expect to not get hit with some shit. And by shit I mean CFLs. The little compact fluorescent screw in bubs.

What kind of a freakin' joke are these meant to be anyhow? Everywhere I read there's a story 'bout how CFLs are gonna save the planet and make us all love one another, make our kids smarter and save a glacier somewhere where I ain't ever gonna go, and you probably ain't either.

All I know 'bout 'em is, they cost more money and they put out joke light. Not joke light like Tom and Jerry might have that would actually be funny, but joke light like you'd have expected Spiro Agnew to have. You flip the switch on one of these and you can literally watch the lumens fall out of the bulb and float softly down towards the floor where it does no one any good except maybe the guy laying your new carpet.

The point of all this, I went to the little cubby hole closet at the top of the basement stairs the other evening to get a 60 watt light bub for the lamp by my chair and this is what I found...

52. Watts.

What? 52....

I may not miss the extra lumens of light that those lost 8 watts of power consumption were gonna give me... but I might. And I want 'em.

I walked over to Sal just speechless and shaking the package in front of her with a frightening look on my face. All she could do was look sad and say "I'm sorry honey".

I did an exaggerated prancing stomp around in a circle in the living room holding the 52 watt bubs high in the air out of exasperation.

AND how the hell do you make a 52 watt bub anyhow? I'm guessing it was a screw up at the Great Value Light Bub Factory and they just decided to run with it and write "energy saver" on the side of the box and people would buy 'em 'cause they would think they're saving a dolphin in the process of it all.

I'm just sick of it. Sick of it I tell you. I WANT MY LIGHT BUBS BACK!

*sigh....*

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A Very Very Very Happy Thing...

2009-07-21T12:21:00.003-05:00

Y'all remember this post?

Yeah...

Well I just came across a video that made me very very very happy. I can only hope that it makes you happy as well. Oh and it features the world's smartest dog too!

There now. All better.

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So This Is What I Do....

2009-07-19T09:18:00.005-05:00

I've picked up several new readers here at S and C lately and because of that, I thought I'd just... whip this out.

*rim shot*

Eh well. Anyhow, along with being a cowguy with a bunch of surly cows that pack guns and knives, I build furniture. Mostly commission work where a customer has a desire burning in 'em for something other than run of the mill furniture store crap, or they have a piece in their mind that isn't available anywhere on the planet... except by custom work.

I design my own stuff, starting with rough sawn lumber from the local sawmill. I use the highest grade materials available and... "I'm" the one that builds it, beginning to end. I want to see you cry tears of joy the first time you see what I've built for you with my heart and hands.

So... it's show and tell time.

I just finished this one up last week and I'm real proud of it. You can read about it's construction here over on our woodworking forum. There's a whole buttload of pics of it there as well.

And just a nice little hodgepodge of other stuff that I've built...

And there you go. AND, I'm available to build your whatchamacallit, drop me an email and we'll talk it over. We'll deliver within 'bout 100 miles and arrange for shipping for further distances than that.

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A Thing I Heard

2009-07-16T08:51:00.002-05:00

Jake and his best friend and I were sitting, talking, stretching truths and flat out eliminating others the other evening. Talk turned to bars and then went to one night in particular at Jake's hangout of choice.

Jake and C were tossing down a few and according to C, Jake was past the point of good sense. Sitting at the bar was Bubba (name changed to protect everyone involved in a 40 mile radius). Now Bubba is an imposing figure. Large doesn't cover it. He's well known for his fighting ability and actually... I've never heard of him actually losing a fight. Hell he worked for me for about a year, many years ago and back then I was impressed daily at his strength and agility for a man his size.

At any rate, Bubba is a guy that you wanna have for a friend. If you're needing to go on home and see Jesus... Bubba would be the guy to walk up to and spew vile things about his sweet dear momma and the sprouting of angel wings and your flight towards heaven would commence.

So according to C, Jake said, in his stupor and most likely just to see what C would say in response... "50 bucks and I'll go punch Bubba in the head".

Understand that Jake IS a bad ass. He is not a fighter however. Everyone loves the guy and wants to buy him drinks and stuff like that. So when he spouts off something like this... it's the liquor and humor talking.

C told him "I ain't got 50 bucks and if I did... I like you too much to throw it down"

And the line that is the thing I heard that ruined me for a long long long time... was this.

C: "Punch Bubba in the head and you'll be getting crayons for your birthday for the next 30 years."

Lordy.

I've got a faithful follower and reader of S&C that misses the "Hoo Boy" under my picture at the top where it says inna gadda da vida baby now. Voice your opinions on if you want it back back back, cousin.

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