Vote For Me... I'll Save The Freakin' Planet, Or Something.

  So I was cutting the grass the other day, just mindlessly riding back and forth, polluting the atmosphere with my infernal combustion engined John Deere, and enjoying it just a tad, when I got to pondering about something a friend of mine, Duane had said 'bout the BP oil squirt-a-thon down yonder in the Gulf.   He had a good idea and I pondered it out quite a bit further. 

  Okey dokey, we've got Gabillions of dollars of Stimulus money just languishing around in piles waiting to do something with it, but we can't decide what.  We've created a horde of new Govt. jobs and we did a Cash For Clunkers program... both wildly successful.  Right?  Okay (that was sarcasm there, for the uninitiated).  

  On the other hand we've got unemployment at an all time high... or close to it.  Folks are willing to work.  It's true.  

  On the third hand, (this is the one that you usually use to smack your kids in the back of the head with in the checkout of the grocery store when they're in Whiney McWhinerson mode, and you don't want anyone to see you smack your kid)  we've got an offshore oil well, all busted off and spewing Black Gold, Texas Tea all over everyones favorite vacation areas and ruining things right and left.  

Now then, here's my plan.   Take a big whopping slaggy nasty stack of those Gabillions of Stimulus dollars, throw together a little store front, register folks as private sector employees of the Govt, give 'em a little ID card to swipe and wear around their necks to make 'em feel important and shit like that.
 
 "What is this business gonna be?" Says you.   It's gonna be Scoop The Urping Petroleum Into Dumpsters.   S.T.U.P.I.D. if you will.  Send these ID card swinging folks out with buckets, give 'em $5 bucks for every pound of crude blobs they gather up and deposit into the container that Kevin Costner or that Titantic director dude is gonna invent just for this.   Hell, give those 2 ol' boys a million or two apiece just for hanging 'round and doing wonderful things like this.

   So now you've gotTENS OF THOUSANDS, maybe HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS of folks traipsing around beaches and out in the water picking up oil blobs for 5 bucks a pound, and in about a month, the job will be over. 

  THEN... lol then you bill BP the end amount plus a 2 dollar per pound fee for conducting their cleanup effort for them.   Take that money and hand it over to the Chinese get rid of some of that freaking national debt thing for crying out loud.   Seriously.  Let BP get that monkey offa our backs for awhile.


  Okay so... I have put a good portion of the country back to work, even if for a short period of time, I've got the stupid oil spill cleaned up, and I've paid off a portion of the national debt.   The only thing I haven't done is plug the hole and I ain't got a clue how that works, I'll leave that one up to the Titanic dude.


  As I've pointed out to y'all before, and I'm sure you'll agree once again... I. Am. A. Jenius.   I'll be running for office a little later on, maybe President.  Vote for me.  I'll pay off your house or something even specialer if I'm elected.




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Little Old Ladies Laugh At The Secret Service...

  So whilst I was on hiatus from Sawdust and Cowpies, the Bama came to town bringing a whole tribe of confusion and chaos to our little community for... hell I don't know why.  He was here, visited the ethanol plant down the road from me, spun around in circles, spent a veritable shitload of your money, ate at a diner, schlepped around the area, got back on the Bama plane and took a vacation.

  Oh wait, here's a pic of him at the little diner over in Monroe City that he stopped and was just "one of the guys" and ate at.   That's "one of the guys" if one of the guys happens to travel with a half dozen black Suburbans, another 8 or 9 white GM vans, a plethora of Missouri Highway Patrolmen, MODOT employees, a couple 3 dozen sheriff deputies, a bomb disposal unit (yes... a bomb disposal unit) and untold dozens of Secret Service and FBI lurking in the bushes and trees along his route.   So... just like one of the guys, he gets some food at some diner that I can't remember the name of and someone snapped this totally awesome pic of him with a local dude giving him the bunny ears....

  Does that freakin' rock or what?  Yeah it didn't make it into mainstream media.  :-)

Okay so on with my story.   So they shut down miles and miles of highway, cost $26,000 per mile of highway that he traveled by car (true fact... that'll piss you off eh?) The security around here was ridiculous 'cause I hear his approval rating is like the lowest of any president in just about ever.  When folks don't like the pres I guess they spend a lot more time and money keeping him all comfy and stuff.  

Anyhow my mom and my aunt decided they were gonna drive over to highway 36 and wave at the president as he drove by.  Yes.   So they hit 'bout 10 backroads and launched out on a very very empty, desolate, traffic devoid strip of highway 36.   About a mile or two of driving and being the only vehicle in either the East or Westbound lanes a MO State Trooper pulls up behind 'em.  Lights blazing, siren on... the works, and he pulls over these two little gray haired ladies in the powder blue Lincoln Continental and asks them what the heck they think they're doing.   They replied "We just want to see Obama"  The trooper asks them "How in the name of God did you even get on the highway?"   They told him they took some back roads and kinda came out on a farm road and voila, there they are. 

Welp, neither my Mother nor my Aunt went to jail or anything, thank goodness, but they did get a very VERY personal escort up to highway K and headed back towards home.  Funny part of this, we didn't know anything about it for a few days, neither one of 'em fessed up right away to what they'd done, but Sally saw "A car that looked just like your Mom and Dad's Lincoln" getting headed up a very lonely highway by a cop.

Eh well... Good deal we threw down all that money for security huh? 

Lordy....





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My Dad Should Have Been A Doctor

I've elaborated much here before about my father's torturing of the English language, he does it unintentionally but it turns out pretty hilarious at times. This post is a perfect example of this.   Anyhow, whilst I was hacking my innards up via the drama cough the past week or so, my Dad hands me a cough drop... a Ricola cough drop. 

He drops it in my hand.


Looks me square in the eye.


And says....

"Here, try this.  That's an E Coli right there.  They really work."


I went into a coughing spasm of course.

Well I'll Be Damned...

It still works.

The old world has done did a whole lotta spinning 'round since I posted last.  Everything has been good and all that jazz, I just got really really busy with stuff.   What kinda stuff, says you?   Well, all kinds of stuff.  Work stuff.  Life stuff.  Family stuff.  Health stuff.  You know, stuff.

The latest though, I've spent the last 3 days sicker than a wormy mule.   I had some sort of something that made me cough so hard I kept having to swallow my lungs back down.  It was pretty horrifying the first time or two, but I got used to it.   Seriously though, Sal and I just don't go to the doctor for much stuff... and we never go to the hospital or ER.  We just don't.  Yesterday was bad enough that she asked me on 3 occasions if it was time to go to the emergency room.   I didn't.   I feel better today.  I think I'm gonna live.   Hoo Freakin' Ray.   Did you know you can pick up a good used iron lung on Ebay?  Me neither.

I may have to ease back into this whole blogging thing friends.  Be gentle with me.  Use lube.  Thanks.

Oh heck, here.   I got you a picture to look at.  I don't know what it means or anything, but it's nice to look at.  Print it out real big and hang it above your desk.

Okay.  That's it.  I'm just easin' back into the funny...

Motivation, Revelations, Warnings...

Sometimes it's the little things on the big O internets that give me the most amusement.  A veritable myriad of websites allow you to make your own posters and things poster-like... I took some of my pics and made you something.  You can print them out and tape 'em on the fridge and tell folks your kids made them.  It's okay.  I'll play along.

Click 'em to see 'em in their bigness.

An odd thing in the clearance aisle of Wal Mart, quite outdated too I might add.

We got a freakin' deluge of snow here.  God made this for me.  I enjoyed it, as you should too.

A regular player here at S and C.  You know it, you love it.  T.O.D.

My cousin's wife actually made this.   It possibly has the ability to follow you around. 

One of the psycho sisters... "Stupid" I think.

Finally... I know you're not tired of this one yet.

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The Cold Cold Heart Of Valentines Day

  Today, you're gonna get a video that will... I promise... make you smile for 4 minutes.  If you've got nothing else going on for the Valentines thing this weekend, this is a poor replacement for that, but still, you're gonna smile for 4 minutes.  Maybe more.

  Last weekend Sal and I went sledding with the kids and our daughter Nicky got a great series of pics and a sled crash of epic proportions.  I threw 'em together, added a little bit of silly dramatic music and, as they say in the Ta Da business... VOILA!

  Sally, I love ya baby.  Here's to many many more Valentine Days for you and I, and to my readers, happy Valentines day to you as well.





If you can't see the embedded video click this to go directly to the youtube.











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Stewie Pants

Hey!   Did I mention that Jake's girlfriend Holly got me new Stewie Griffin PJ's for Christmas?  I didn't? 

 

I know.  This will probably be the new wallpaper on your puter.    By the way, and still being respectful and stuff... but Roxie looks very Asian in this pic doesn't she?

Alrighty, I got things to do today.  Man the torpedos Capn'!  Fire in the hole.  etc etc.

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