Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Vote For Me... I'll Save The Freakin' Planet, Or Something.

  So I was cutting the grass the other day, just mindlessly riding back and forth, polluting the atmosphere with my infernal combustion engined John Deere, and enjoying it just a tad, when I got to pondering about something a friend of mine, Duane had said 'bout the BP oil squirt-a-thon down yonder in the Gulf.   He had a good idea and I pondered it out quite a bit further. 

  Okey dokey, we've got Gabillions of dollars of Stimulus money just languishing around in piles waiting to do something with it, but we can't decide what.  We've created a horde of new Govt. jobs and we did a Cash For Clunkers program... both wildly successful.  Right?  Okay (that was sarcasm there, for the uninitiated).  

  On the other hand we've got unemployment at an all time high... or close to it.  Folks are willing to work.  It's true.  

  On the third hand, (this is the one that you usually use to smack your kids in the back of the head with in the checkout of the grocery store when they're in Whiney McWhinerson mode, and you don't want anyone to see you smack your kid)  we've got an offshore oil well, all busted off and spewing Black Gold, Texas Tea all over everyones favorite vacation areas and ruining things right and left.  

Now then, here's my plan.   Take a big whopping slaggy nasty stack of those Gabillions of Stimulus dollars, throw together a little store front, register folks as private sector employees of the Govt, give 'em a little ID card to swipe and wear around their necks to make 'em feel important and shit like that.
 "What is this business gonna be?" Says you.   It's gonna be Scoop The Urping Petroleum Into Dumpsters.   S.T.U.P.I.D. if you will.  Send these ID card swinging folks out with buckets, give 'em $5 bucks for every pound of crude blobs they gather up and deposit into the container that Kevin Costner or that Titantic director dude is gonna invent just for this.   Hell, give those 2 ol' boys a million or two apiece just for hanging 'round and doing wonderful things like this.

   So now you've gotTENS OF THOUSANDS, maybe HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS of folks traipsing around beaches and out in the water picking up oil blobs for 5 bucks a pound, and in about a month, the job will be over. 

  THEN... lol then you bill BP the end amount plus a 2 dollar per pound fee for conducting their cleanup effort for them.   Take that money and hand it over to the Chinese get rid of some of that freaking national debt thing for crying out loud.   Seriously.  Let BP get that monkey offa our backs for awhile.

  Okay so... I have put a good portion of the country back to work, even if for a short period of time, I've got the stupid oil spill cleaned up, and I've paid off a portion of the national debt.   The only thing I haven't done is plug the hole and I ain't got a clue how that works, I'll leave that one up to the Titanic dude.

  As I've pointed out to y'all before, and I'm sure you'll agree once again... I. Am. A. Jenius.   I'll be running for office a little later on, maybe President.  Vote for me.  I'll pay off your house or something even specialer if I'm elected.



Jon said...

Man! ya got my vote fer sure!!!
Also need to find high positions for those two gal's in the Blue Continental!!!!

SkylersDad said...

You had me at government id card!

Gwen said...

Sadly, it feels like you're the only person trying to come up with a solution to the friggin' mess down there. Just the other day I was asking, "Where are the celebrities? Where are the celebrity concerts and public outcries? Why isn't anyone yelling on E! about how terrible it is down there? Is it because they're all in jail?"

And then, just like that, here you come - one of my favorite celebrities even! - publishing a public outcry and offering a viable solution. You da best.

Cowguy said...

Thanks Jon, I'll make you a director of something or another.

Chris, you're too easily bought... but you make me laugh.

Gwen... baby... just let me be the white Kanye and you can be my Beyonce, we'll kick some ass plumb outta the freakin' park.

Jon said...

Well if that's like a "Czar" er sumth'n, I'll pass......
Had enough of those to last me a lifetime. However I could accept free beer for life (long as I can share with the rest of the "folks")

Scope said...

How's this:

Since human hair is actually great at absorbing the oil, pay all the residents of the gulf states $5 and an American Flag T-Shirt to cut off their mullets for the cause.


The Retired One said...

U R a Jenius. hahahaaaaabwaaaa

LOVED this!

ahr8tch said...

"I Am A Jenius"

That there name looks a bit like a bin ibn nib nbi. Better be careful out there, my friend. Puttin' down the secret PO-lice then offerin' to stump.

You gonna draw heat!

Murr Brewster said...

I don't work for the gummint anymore, but I still have my shovel.

Jerry said...

What you didn't mention is the billions of dollars of inject into the local communities down there - food, supplies, fuel, lodging, etc. And this would go on for quite some time. Maybe years.....