Friday, December 24, 2010

More Crap You'll Find On My Desktop... Part Whatever

Looking at my stats, whenever I do one of these blog posts, they consistently get more views than regular posts.  I think it's the nosy, curious side of people that just want to see what the heck is kept on someone's desktop... other than themselves.  It's probably the same thing that causes your eyes to drift to the house at night that's all lit up with the drapes wide open, or maybe what causes you to crane your neck when you pass a wreck on the highway.

Actually, it's probably real close to the later there.

Anyhow, a collection of crap on my desktop of things that are important to me for whatever reason, or just something that I thought needed to be snagged as I cruised past them on the big ol' wide open internets.   I give you, in no particular order.... Crap On My Desktop.

Click anything you deem worthy of seeing in all it's bigness.  Please.  










 
Ahhh... the next one, the gal on the right is Sally from a few years ago.  *sigh*....







A road sign, in the absolute middle of nowhere up by our farm that was desecrated with some of the most creative tagging ever.  It made me laugh like a jackass.



Pardon me while I flash around my "big gun".



We've spent a lot of time in doctor's offices lately it seems.  There's just not a whole lot to do while sitting there in a room all alone... I mean after rifling through all the cabinets and drawers and blowing up latex gloves and stuff.   I got you a picture of a poster.  It's real sophomoric but what the hell eh?  Heinous Anus, that'd make a good band name.








Here kitty kitty...



And finally, 2 chicks that seem prepared.








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Monday, December 20, 2010

Deck The Friggin' Walls With Bowels Of Molly

 Last night Sal and I were home alone, we do our best work then, and decided to throw the tree in the house and hang stuff all over it.  So we did.  I hacked around on it til the bottom looked like it was a leper, with a pair of pruning shears... 'cause they were handy.   Sal started hanging lights on it whilst I scampered off to the kitchen to make some delicious Christmas decorating beverages meant for adults only.

Wanna see some of our prized ornaments?   Heck yeah you do!  I took the job of untangler, and paparazzi fool.

First, a man's ornament.  It's pretty incredible, so life-ded-like in a tiny minature way.  Deer skull with horns.






I've got more!!

The red bird made family famous in a video from 12 years ago.






Oh and you want the video?  Peruse at your leisure.  Jake woulda been about 11 or 12.  I had no gray hair.  It was magic.









Incredible eh?

Two little personalized guitars.  They really play!!! 

No they don't.


I went all apeshit one year and actually made some ornaments.  I almost lost interest before I started, hence they instantly became collectibles because of the limited production.



They're made of gen-u-ine tree wood.  Rare in some parts of the world.

The star of Dave, enhanced with dog chewing.


Santa made from a shotgun shell.. cause we're hillbilly sonofaguns and we love having our Christmas decorations shot right outta the freakin' gun, Bubba.  I dunno what happened to his eye but it gives him kind of an edgy, pissed off Santa look.



And of course the rare and elusive Glitter Gun from a few years ago.  It's front and center.  Damned straight buddy roe!






Lookit Sally in her big ol' Santa hat!!    Cute as a nest of baby coons under the front porch!


And of course the traditional drink of choice and habit and ritual here at Christmas... The Homewrecker.

Cowguy's Homewrecker:

Your standard 12 oz glass, chipped rim optional.
A handful of ice cubes.
Cheap Mexican Coffee Bean Liqueur... 3 big shots
Cheap Brandy, preferably in a plastic bottle... 2 big shots
Top off the the glass with store brand Half and Half.
Stir it with your finger and prepare yourself.  It's like drinking candy.






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Tuesday, December 14, 2010

There Are Days It's Really Hard To Be Suave And Debonaire

Yesterday morning I came in the house from the shop and ran into Sally in the office... had a little huggy, kissy face moment.  It was nice, just kinda standing there.  She whispers into my neck...

Sally: You know this morning when you crawled back in bed and cuddled up close and kissed me?

Me:  Yeah. That was nice huh.

Sally:  You smelled like farts and toothpaste.

Me:  ..........



It's hard to move on from that moment.







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Saturday, December 11, 2010

Cher and Kentucky Fried Chicken

I'm sorry (not really) but I've been noticing things again.  I've tried to stop this nonsense, but I swear on Kirstie Alley's dinner roll, I can't.  What have I noticed this past week?  Ah, oh, ahhh readers of this fine blogatilia... plenty.

I noticed that all those fine folks down under in the land of kangaroos and Dundees and Quigleys, love them some KFC.  I mean REALLY love that crispy, deep fat fried, mouth watering chicken flesh of ill repute.   You wanna know how much they love it?  They love it so much you can buy a $500 dollar gift card to the cardiac arrest of your choice.

I'm not shittin' you one instant.   I copied and pasted this from their website

Loading Value onto Your KFC Gift Card.
You can load a dollar value on the KFC Gift Card by using a credit card, debit card or cash at any participating KFC location.  You may not load more than $500 worth of value to your KFC Gift Card.  The minimum amount that must be loaded onto your KFC Gift Card is $10.00.  KFC may change the maximum and minimum amounts at any time by notifying you at the point of sale, by phone when you call, or on the KFC Queensland website (www.kfcqld.com.au).

Now how in the name of anal oil leakage can you eat $500 worth of that stuff.  I mean, come on man. 

Okay I've also noticed that Cher has become a walking talking plastic "love doll" thing.   I stumbled across this pic of her and Christine or Christina whatshername.  Eh heck... you don't wanna see Christina whatshername... so just Cher.


There's just a whole lot wrong with this whole thing.  Biggest and most noticeable is that rubbery face thing.  Cher is 64.  That don't look right and that don't match that hand skin much at all and speaking of matching... I photoshopped out a couple of things to make this a little gentler for all eyes... but what the hell went haywire with that ninny placement in that last boob job? 

Good God it looks like they're in orbit.

Wait!!  Here's one of those Japanese Real Doll things that cost more than a KFC gift card.  This thing looks more real than the current Cher.  I mean it.  (by the way you can also buy a manly version of this.... frankly I'm damaged just from stealing this picture offa their website)


I was coming home down the highway the other day and I noticed a van in front of me going down the road at a pretty steep angle.  It looked like an old hound dog that had just caught a load of rock salt out of a 12 gauge and it's hind end was trying to pass it's front end.


Of course I had to pass it 'cause it looked like that drivers side back wheel was gonna go the same way as Cher's tweeters.  That's when I noticed the real problems this old boy had.


Great Scott!  I never saw anything quite so caved in and all the mud all over the thing was nice and fresh as was that glued in foam back window.  But the goober driving it seemed happy enough.  Waved at me as I passed him. 

I bet that was a heckuva ride.


I'm through noticing things now.





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Friday, December 10, 2010

It's All About The Caulk

So I was in the local hardware store the other day... I'm in there a lot.  All the employees know me and It's always a meeting place of other guys that hang out in hardware stores too much, so it usually is a social trip as well.  

Good Lord that sounds dorky.

It is...

Anyhow I had a small puddle of miscellaneous stuff on the counter, some steel wool, a couple of furnace filters and other stuff that I don't remember, and... a tube of caulk.   So I'm paying and for whatever reason I usually end up with this same kid at the cash register.  He's a good kid, always pleasant with me and takes abuse well. :-)   He bags up all my stuff except the tube of caulk.  He's just standing there with it in his hands, smiling at me.

I stand there and look at him until he gets a little nervous with his cute little prank he's laid out and I lean across the counter and say in a low voice.  "You know pal, I'm not gonna say "give me the caulk".  You know that's not gonna happen don't you?"  His smile gets a little nervous. 

He's stuck.  Still holding the caulk.  So all that was left was for me to say, in a VERY loud voice, "LET GO OF MY CAULK!"

He virtually threw it at me, looking over his shoulder at the managers booth and whispered frantically "The district manager is here today!" 

Me:  "You have a nice day there Mr. Caulkinheimer".

I may order him one of these.  It's Christmas you know.










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Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Zombies, Christmas And A Woman I Love

So... I may get a little sappy with this post, but it'll be personal and y'all can crane your necks into my little window of life and I won't slam it shut on the back of your head or nuthin'.   Climb into the Cowguy time machine and we'll roll on back to 1998, that would be the year that Sally moved to Missouri... and we fell in love.

Now the woman that I love in this particular post isn't Sally.  *big giant intertubal group gasp from around the world*  It's another woman.  Yes.  See when Sal moved here she brought 3 kids with her.  One of those kids is the one this is about... our daughter Nicky.  It's never easy melding 2 families, this one was no exception, but I think (get in real close here)... I think Nicky loved me from the start.

I cinched it though, that first Christmas of 98.

Here, here's a pic from that year.  I played Santa for something or another... that's Nicky, 16 years old, sitting there on Santa's lap.



I didn't cinch it by playing Santa though.  Let's get a little background about my taste in music right at this point.  As I've mellowed with time, my taste in music has become rather diverse.  To be honest I'll listen to about anything except Polka and if I'm good and loaded, hell fire... I'll give it a go too.   Nicky learned to love classic rock thru some of my input, and inversely, I learned to love a lot of what she listened to.

About 2 weeks before Christmas Nicky and I took off by ourselves to go Christmas shopping, I still remember parts of the day like it was yesterday.  We had a blast.  Anyway, Rob Zombie had left White Zombie and had come out with his then new album Hellbilly Deluxe....


... perfect Christmas album, eh?  Nicky wanted this album pretty bad.  Sally wouldn't go for it.  I dunno, maybe all the Satan bullshit on the album cover etc etc influenced that.  But me?  I just looked at it as "show".  I was an Alice Cooper fan back before it was cool in the day.  Rob was just more of that... but with a driving techno beat and a nice mix of metal.  

I bought it for her that day and figured that I'd just deal with Sally's unhappiness with what I'd done later on... cause that's what men do.  That's what "I" did.  We rocked out that whole day with that CD playing.  

I cinched the deal.  I became cool. 

I can't begin to tell you how much joy and love this girl has brought into my life.  She means the world to me.  I've learned from her, and she from me.  

Smartass comes pretty easy around here.  Nicky has smoothed it down like hot pudding.  When Jake was little he raced go-karts.  This pic is from a race somewhere and he's posing with his then patented somber racing face...very serious and everything.  That's Nicky and I photo bombing him like maniacs behind him.






And from a couple of weeks ago she's telling me that I'm number one....





...and from that same weekend where she just has "kickass" wrote all over her with that AR-15 and those boots.





 ...and probably my favorite pic of her ever.   She's the Mom of 3 of her own now, and is doing it up perfectly.   That's her youngest with her.





And in the end folks... sometimes you just need to stop and tell those that you love, just how much you DO love them.  Life is short and the train runs fast.

I love you with all my heart Nicky.
XOXO

J.





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Sunday, December 5, 2010

It's Not All About Loud Noisy Sax...

  Call it the adolescent tendencies or some old guy.  Blame it on wanton snickering from the corner of the room... or just go with the toe tapping goodness of The Treniers and their not so chart screaming hit "Poontang".   I dunno the date on this but it's 1950 something, which is really what makes it rock. :-)



video


Now see?  That's a happy change from non-stop Rockin Around The Christmas Tree.

Pooooon TANG!



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Friday, December 3, 2010

Like A Handless, Legless Ultimate Fighter...

Just because I've been on the blog wagon doesn't mean I haven't been jackin' stuff into my blogafila hidey hole.  Oh no, I've got a plenty!

For instance, this little news article.  I did a screen shot of this thing back in the summer 'cause it just reeks of everything that you couldn't really make up.  Most importantly it deals with "deadly nubs".  Please note, I am not making fun of amputees.  No I'm not.  It's not right making fun of the less fortunate when they really don't have a leg to stand on for their own defense... but this little lovers quarrel, kids... it writes itself.

Click it to make it life sized.






Oh and here, I made y'all something to go with today's theme.





Have a great weekend!





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Monday, November 29, 2010

Let Me See If I Can Ease Back Into This...

  Okay, so some of you have missed me.  I get cards, letters, phone calls, emails, packages and one slightly risque telegram, wanting to know what the hell happened to the blog.

As you know, I'm a human bean and I've been a dang busy bean... and a little lazy.  I haven't really made a good attempt at this thing for the entire hoopslah of 2010.  I apologize, but in a backward way that will probably make you wonder if I really apologized or if I was just gaining your confidence so you'd lift your shirt for me. 

Here.  Here's some beads.

We've had a whole lotta stuff going on, Sally keeps bustin' things but she says she's all done with that nonsense now and has firmly refused, with her little arms crossed, to break anything else for the rest of her life.  I have all the confidence in the world in her. 

Actually, Sally hit me up this afternoon to do some writing for her for something or another.  She said it real flirty like and I thought that I'd flex my word muskels a bit and try out the blog and see if I still had words inside of me that needed to escape from elsewhere than my anus. 

Cross your fingers, hold your nose... just in case.

Actually I'm not gonna get real deep or nothin' like that 'cause I hope that this is just a warm up session.  Honestly folks, I'm having a hard time.  Seriously.  No, I really am being serious.  For real.  See... I fell into the whole Facebook thing.  The bastards.  It's so easy to just post a couple of sentences and be funny, and takes hardly no time at all, and well... it's easy.  I'm easy.  Ask around.   So, I don't  really know what to do here.

Wait.  I'll post something about McDonalds.

That's some serious freakin' logic right there, cousin.

Okay, so the local McDonalds remodeled this fall.  What brought about anything of note from this remodelization of America's institution of hambugerly travesty?   This....


See, right there you have port a shitters, in use, for the primary restrooms... at McDonalds.  The place was still serving food at the counter inside and thru the drive thru.  No seating inside, the McCrappers were discombobulated with the remodeling, but you could take a leak in the porta john, wash your hands at the out of doors, foot operated via pump action...sink and then go eat a delicious hamburger or McFish or whatever the hell they call those things.

It's Missouri.

Then, because I'm somewhat of a cad, but in a really really fun disfunctional way, I stole a pic off of Facebook.  I could probably get sued for this or castrated or worse.  Frankly I don't know what the formal punishment is, but damnit... this is just too good to hold back.  






I can't really come up with a starting point of the wrongness of this picture, there's just so many things going on besides the center attraction.  It's like a 3 ring circus.  You don't really know where to look first cause you don't wanna miss the dancing monkey. 

So to speak.


Okay... I think I'm warmed up.






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Sunday, July 18, 2010

So Far... What A Summer!

As is the usual I've been derelict in my duties at providing y'all with blogulatory entertainment, see... it's 'cause I've been busy.  Business has picked up a touch at the shop (good Lord, it needed to) and the band has been busy as all get out.  We've had a few pretty nice gigs this summer, a couple of pretty memorable ones.  One of those was up in a little town in Iowa called Exline, on the 4th of July.   Our crowd was small there, but I think it was one of my favorites.  About 10 minutes into our second set it came a rainstorm of epic proportions.  We were in an outdoor pavillion and the rain was blowing all the way across.  After it calmed down in 'bout 5 minutes or so with the wind, we just unhooked, got the crowd all under the roof with us and just played acoustic right smack dab in the middle of 'em.   That was pretty dang special.  I'll never forget it.

Played some local events, one being a little town's "homecoming" near here.  The little towns in Missouri have these and if they can't think of anything in particular to celebrate like Donkey Days or Moonshiners Week or Farting Midget Saturday... they just call it a Homecoming.  We had a nice stage and professional sound setup, nice lighting and a GREAT crowd. 

*click the pics for bigness*





We hit our first music festival of the season up in NE Missouri, The Sally Mountain Festival.   Camped out up there for a couple of nights, made contact with a friend that I hadn't seen since about 1976 and played til about 3 in the morning one night with him and a bunch of other musicians.  Almost got ran down by a Winnebago whilst I was tending to business in the porta shitter the next morning.  I didn't finish that task, it's real hard to concentrate when you've got that immanent death sensation going on and the last thing you want is folks whispering at your funeral and giggling 'bout how you checked out without finishing up the paperwork and stuff. 

No, I don't want that.

Sally and I celebrated 11 years together in bang up fashion with more camping and music with friends.  Honest to gosh, it's been a whirlwind this summer.

Anyhow, here's you a nice video of the band.  A young man attended one of our shows and shot some video of us with better than average sound.  This was on Memorial weekend at the Faces Of Freedom in Macon, MO.  A celebration of our nations veterans and I was honored to also Emcee this event.  2 days prior I had no voice.   Had a killer cold and lots of snot and hacking but I made it through it without too much embarrassment, and pulled a little bit of singing voice outta my butt.   A very touching and emotional day... I almost went thru the day speaking without having to stop to hold an emotion.   Almost.

Here's Wagon Wheel from that day... this song is on our CD which is available online, just clickity click click it up there on the right sidebar.







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Thursday, June 24, 2010

One Bad Ass Lawnmower

  Okay, so my Dad went and got himself a new lawnmower... finally.   Really not much wrong with his old John Deere other than it was old and he'd got a hankering for a new ride, so he shopped.   And he shopped and shopped and shopped until there weren't any mower dealers left in the tri-state area to harass, and decided to buy a Gravely from the new dealer in town.   He was tellin' me 'bout it and all (still shopping at this point) and I told him "Just go buy the biggest damned one they got Dad".   He wasn't quite sold on my sales pitch at this point but it made him think.  My folk's yard is immense, probably 2 acres or more, lotsa trees and bushes and stuff to mow around and the mower he was looking at was a zero turn rig.

  Now let me back up just a touch in my story.  Dad's had several bulldozers over the years, I never took to 'em much mostly 'cause I hated working on 'em all the time.  Everything is big, greasy, unwieldy and ugly to work on on a Cat.  Oh I could run any of 'em just fine, I just didn't.  I figured it was expected of me to be the mechanic for the most part and if I started operating it I'd also be expected to be the operator and I just didn't want any part of it.  

  I had better things to do.

  So as Dad got older this last D-7 Caterpillar kinda languished around the place, just sitting, he wasn't able to climb on the thing and run it for much more than 15 or 20 minutes at a time, but............ he'd get a hankering to hear it run and drive it back and forth and jack around with it and I was the mechanic that usually spent 1/2 to a full day getting pony motor running on the thing and quite frankly, it became a sore spot for me.

  So there it sat.

  Okay back to lawnmowers.   Dad caves in to my logic which is "you've got the money, buy the biggest damned thing they sell and be done with it"... and buys what is quite possibly every man's dream come true in lawn mowing utensils.  

  One bad ass lawnmower.

 
It's got a freakin' roll bar, for craps sake...


It's got tires fit for Bigfoot.  Manly tires!



It's got 26 horses of Kawasaki, flame throwing, noise belching engine.  The damned thing holds 10 gallons of gas! 



From the back it looks like a cross between a dang Bobcat and a transformer with an erection.




Of course it has a drink holder, seat belts, folding arm rests on the hydraulically cushioned seat and it leaves a trail of testosterone where ever you drive it.

Bad ass, no?

So after he buys the mower he drives straight to our house, giddy as a little kid, Dad is 82, to tell me his story about buying his dream lawnmower.  But in his excitement he abbreviates the story quite a bit which is out of character for him.  It runs in the family.  We get a lot of mileage out of a good story.

Dad : "So I paid 'em for the mower and it was $6999 dollars and told 'em to deliver it and me and your Mom are leaving the dealership and Bud Payne sees us there in the car and pulls in and says "How much you want for your dozer today?"  and Dad says "What are you offering?"  Bud says "I'll write you a check for $7000 for it right now"  Dad says "Need a pen?"

So he's all tickled 'cause he just made $1 dollar on his deal.  I was in tears laughing.

The old bulldozer was worth more than that, but it's gone, I'm happy.  Dad's got a new mower, I cut his grass today with it, it's like a freakin Ferrari.  It'll run something like 11 mph... for real.

Mom told me on the phone when the dozer left on the trailer truck Dad just kinda stood there watching it leave.  Not quite crying but knowing that that phase of his life was over.   THAT makes me sad too, I know there'll be a day when something similar will happen with me and my kids will have to watch me "not quite cry".


Bitchin' mower though, Pops.






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Friday, June 11, 2010

The Johnny Cash Project

  I'm really not schlepping out on a post today, I just ran across this pretty freaking incredible video called The Johnny Cash Project.   How the thing works is folks from all over creation have drawn a frame for the song Ain't No Grave and it's been made into a complete work.  Actually still a work in progress, if you want to draw a frame and have it added, you can.   Anyhows... give it a watch and a listen.  The song is typical of later recordings of Cash, driven, beautiful and haunting.  The percussion sound of the chain.... perfect.

http://mrdoob.com/121/The_Johnny_Cash_Project



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Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Vote For Me... I'll Save The Freakin' Planet, Or Something.

  So I was cutting the grass the other day, just mindlessly riding back and forth, polluting the atmosphere with my infernal combustion engined John Deere, and enjoying it just a tad, when I got to pondering about something a friend of mine, Duane had said 'bout the BP oil squirt-a-thon down yonder in the Gulf.   He had a good idea and I pondered it out quite a bit further. 

  Okey dokey, we've got Gabillions of dollars of Stimulus money just languishing around in piles waiting to do something with it, but we can't decide what.  We've created a horde of new Govt. jobs and we did a Cash For Clunkers program... both wildly successful.  Right?  Okay (that was sarcasm there, for the uninitiated).  

  On the other hand we've got unemployment at an all time high... or close to it.  Folks are willing to work.  It's true.  

  On the third hand, (this is the one that you usually use to smack your kids in the back of the head with in the checkout of the grocery store when they're in Whiney McWhinerson mode, and you don't want anyone to see you smack your kid)  we've got an offshore oil well, all busted off and spewing Black Gold, Texas Tea all over everyones favorite vacation areas and ruining things right and left.  

Now then, here's my plan.   Take a big whopping slaggy nasty stack of those Gabillions of Stimulus dollars, throw together a little store front, register folks as private sector employees of the Govt, give 'em a little ID card to swipe and wear around their necks to make 'em feel important and shit like that.
 
 "What is this business gonna be?" Says you.   It's gonna be Scoop The Urping Petroleum Into Dumpsters.   S.T.U.P.I.D. if you will.  Send these ID card swinging folks out with buckets, give 'em $5 bucks for every pound of crude blobs they gather up and deposit into the container that Kevin Costner or that Titantic director dude is gonna invent just for this.   Hell, give those 2 ol' boys a million or two apiece just for hanging 'round and doing wonderful things like this.

   So now you've gotTENS OF THOUSANDS, maybe HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS of folks traipsing around beaches and out in the water picking up oil blobs for 5 bucks a pound, and in about a month, the job will be over. 

  THEN... lol then you bill BP the end amount plus a 2 dollar per pound fee for conducting their cleanup effort for them.   Take that money and hand it over to the Chinese get rid of some of that freaking national debt thing for crying out loud.   Seriously.  Let BP get that monkey offa our backs for awhile.


  Okay so... I have put a good portion of the country back to work, even if for a short period of time, I've got the stupid oil spill cleaned up, and I've paid off a portion of the national debt.   The only thing I haven't done is plug the hole and I ain't got a clue how that works, I'll leave that one up to the Titanic dude.


  As I've pointed out to y'all before, and I'm sure you'll agree once again... I. Am. A. Jenius.   I'll be running for office a little later on, maybe President.  Vote for me.  I'll pay off your house or something even specialer if I'm elected.




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Sunday, June 6, 2010

Little Old Ladies Laugh At The Secret Service...

  So whilst I was on hiatus from Sawdust and Cowpies, the Bama came to town bringing a whole tribe of confusion and chaos to our little community for... hell I don't know why.  He was here, visited the ethanol plant down the road from me, spun around in circles, spent a veritable shitload of your money, ate at a diner, schlepped around the area, got back on the Bama plane and took a vacation.

  Oh wait, here's a pic of him at the little diner over in Monroe City that he stopped and was just "one of the guys" and ate at.   That's "one of the guys" if one of the guys happens to travel with a half dozen black Suburbans, another 8 or 9 white GM vans, a plethora of Missouri Highway Patrolmen, MODOT employees, a couple 3 dozen sheriff deputies, a bomb disposal unit (yes... a bomb disposal unit) and untold dozens of Secret Service and FBI lurking in the bushes and trees along his route.   So... just like one of the guys, he gets some food at some diner that I can't remember the name of and someone snapped this totally awesome pic of him with a local dude giving him the bunny ears....




  Does that freakin' rock or what?  Yeah it didn't make it into mainstream media.  :-)

Okay so on with my story.   So they shut down miles and miles of highway, cost $26,000 per mile of highway that he traveled by car (true fact... that'll piss you off eh?) The security around here was ridiculous 'cause I hear his approval rating is like the lowest of any president in just about ever.  When folks don't like the pres I guess they spend a lot more time and money keeping him all comfy and stuff.  

Anyhow my mom and my aunt decided they were gonna drive over to highway 36 and wave at the president as he drove by.  Yes.   So they hit 'bout 10 backroads and launched out on a very very empty, desolate, traffic devoid strip of highway 36.   About a mile or two of driving and being the only vehicle in either the East or Westbound lanes a MO State Trooper pulls up behind 'em.  Lights blazing, siren on... the works, and he pulls over these two little gray haired ladies in the powder blue Lincoln Continental and asks them what the heck they think they're doing.   They replied "We just want to see Obama"  The trooper asks them "How in the name of God did you even get on the highway?"   They told him they took some back roads and kinda came out on a farm road and voila, there they are. 

Welp, neither my Mother nor my Aunt went to jail or anything, thank goodness, but they did get a very VERY personal escort up to highway K and headed back towards home.  Funny part of this, we didn't know anything about it for a few days, neither one of 'em fessed up right away to what they'd done, but Sally saw "A car that looked just like your Mom and Dad's Lincoln" getting headed up a very lonely highway by a cop.

Eh well... Good deal we threw down all that money for security huh? 

Lordy....





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Tuesday, May 25, 2010

My Dad Should Have Been A Doctor

I've elaborated much here before about my father's torturing of the English language, he does it unintentionally but it turns out pretty hilarious at times. This post is a perfect example of this.   Anyhow, whilst I was hacking my innards up via the drama cough the past week or so, my Dad hands me a cough drop... a Ricola cough drop. 

He drops it in my hand.


Looks me square in the eye.


And says....

"Here, try this.  That's an E Coli right there.  They really work."


I went into a coughing spasm of course.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Well I'll Be Damned...

It still works.

The old world has done did a whole lotta spinning 'round since I posted last.  Everything has been good and all that jazz, I just got really really busy with stuff.   What kinda stuff, says you?   Well, all kinds of stuff.  Work stuff.  Life stuff.  Family stuff.  Health stuff.  You know, stuff.

The latest though, I've spent the last 3 days sicker than a wormy mule.   I had some sort of something that made me cough so hard I kept having to swallow my lungs back down.  It was pretty horrifying the first time or two, but I got used to it.   Seriously though, Sal and I just don't go to the doctor for much stuff... and we never go to the hospital or ER.  We just don't.  Yesterday was bad enough that she asked me on 3 occasions if it was time to go to the emergency room.   I didn't.   I feel better today.  I think I'm gonna live.   Hoo Freakin' Ray.   Did you know you can pick up a good used iron lung on Ebay?  Me neither.

I may have to ease back into this whole blogging thing friends.  Be gentle with me.  Use lube.  Thanks.

Oh heck, here.   I got you a picture to look at.  I don't know what it means or anything, but it's nice to look at.  Print it out real big and hang it above your desk.




Okay.  That's it.  I'm just easin' back into the funny...