Thursday, March 10, 2011

You Wanna Do What?

I've been at this now for a few posts and already I'm starting to wonder "WTF" at a few questions...   This next one. fits. that. category.

"Some Weirdo" writes...

Dear Cowguy,

Please advise me as to the best way to murder someone so I don't get caught.
Alleging I am just trying to come up with a mystery plot for a new book I am writing.

 Well ho-lee crap.  I may have received a question that I'm unqualified for"Alleging" that you are *cough* writing a mystery plot for a book *cough*, I'm gonna give this a shot.  

LOL did you see that?  "give this a SHOT!" My goodness I kill myself.   LOL did you see THAT?  Kill myself!!!! LOL  I'm just digging this hole deeper an....... DIGGING THIS HOLE!!! LOL I'm dying!!!  DYING!!!!!! 

oH Craaaapppppp i aa.asa justtttttttttttttttt.. ala;lsi  sucked a jellllllllly baean dwn my wwwwindpipe..


Weirdos....  sheesh

Monday, March 7, 2011

My Ex Is An Asshat

Okay this one is from Choking in Chicago...

Dear Cowguy,

My ex is an asshat who chronically hurts my daughter's feelings with his "jokes". I routinely tell the asshat that his jokes are not funny and hurt the 14 year old's feelings, but it doesn't help and he refuses to see that what he is doing is hurtful and destructive. Barring leaving flaming bags of dog poo on his doorstep, what can I do to slap some sense into the asshat?

  Well... it takes a real special type to continually hurt anyone's feelings, let alone it being their own offspring... and by "special" of course I'm referring to the type of lowlife that is lower than whale dung in the Mariana Trench.  Also it's obvious to me, and to most folks with at least 2/3 of a brain, that what might be considered funny to an adult is sometimes horrendous to a teenager.  For crying out loud, if there was ever an age group with enough burden of the world bearing on their shoulders, it would be the 13-18 year old category.  A kid doesn't need anything added to the problems of hormones changing like Joan Rivers current facial structure.

  If this were my daughter, (and I have had a situation very closely aligned with this) I would tell her that when the Ol Sperm Donor calls up and says something that is hurtful to her... just hang up.  Just like that.  Don't answer when he calls back that day.  Start the next day off fresh, and if he does it again... hang up.  At 14 she's old enough to realize immediately that her feelings have been hurt but not sure enough of herself to have the courage to just hang up the phone.  That's gonna be your job.  Let her know that it's "okay" to do that and that you'll back her decision to just do it.  
  If he's a little on the dolty side, and I suspect that he is... it may take a few of these episodes for him to catch on, but if he wants to talk to his daughter, he's gonna have to learn to treat her with the respect that she deserves.

  Your other choice is to just hire me.  See I specialize in "public embarrassment" and have some very... gifted abilities to shake the chicken shit outta most anyone.  :-)

  I'm cheap.  You have my email address... and my phone.  I accept Paypal and small arms ammunition as payment.


Tuesday, March 1, 2011

The Boss Is An Ass

  Oh boy, my first question... and I'm as excited as a 16 year old school boy going to the dance with the girl with the biggest doo dads in the Jr. class.

  I am!  Really!

Monkey On My Back in Michigan writes....

"Dear Cowguy,
 How do I tell my boss he's an ass without getting fired?"

 Well... see, you've thrown a wrench in the works here 'cause you don't wanna lose your job while telling the big boss man that he needs to join Jerkaholics Anonymous.  The secret to making a plan to work in a situation like this can be found with one word. 


 My first gut feeling would be to sneak into his home in the dark of night wearing a Satan mask, wake him up with "You're doing a great job for me Bob, treating your employees like crap... everything is looking up for me seeing you in Hell, buddy."  Then I'd pee in his sink and leave.  

Some of that flashy powder stuff to toss out in the room as you leave would be a nice touch.

There's a chance you could get shot doing this and being as how you're not the real Satan, you're probably not bullet proof.  So... you can play this however you want.

The more logical solution would be directly, without the benefit of anonymity.  The next time that he pulls his crap, just fold your hands (body language speaks volumes), look him directly in the eye and tell him that you ARE a good employee, you're doing your job and have for years, and what he's just said is unfair and hurtful, and never break eye contact.  He's gonna get real uncomfortable and you've done nothing that would jeopardize your job.

 Then, at the end of the day, while you're walking to your car... kick the tail lights outta his Beemer.  That little gift is just for you.

 I hope this helps you out with that jerkwater asshat.


 Email me with your questions about anything on earth.  I have the answer.  It's true.