Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Things I Will Do When I Finally Become The World's Smartest Human Bean

Because it's apparent to me, and many others,  I will soon become the world's smartest person and I have compiled a short list of things that I plan to accomplish as soon as I am officially awarded with this status.  

1.  Cure cancer.  Very top of my list, because if nothing else, I will be a practical and benevolent smartest person.

2. Remove all erectile dysfunction ads from television.  Hold the applause, there's more.

3.  Convert all cars to run on zucchini.  Finally a way to get rid of the abundance of this crap growing in everyone's garden.

4.  Make sure that everyone will get a Christmas present and a birthday card just because they should.

5. Find an additive for Twizzlers that cure the common cold.  What could be better than eating a Twizzler and instantly stopping the flow of snot and that icky feeling that you hate?   I know.  Nothing would be better than that... unless it's number 6.

6.  Renaming the penis to "Miller Lite".   Wouldn't that be awesome?  Yes.

7.  Put a button on everyone's TV remote that would make Oprah fat or skinny, just so we can move on past this thing once and for all.

8.  I would impose the death penalty for anyone owning a juke box with Sweet Home Alabama on it.  My only really negative change in this list... and it's just not THAT negative, now is it?  I just got really tired of that song back in about '78.

9. I would design a way to make everything you burp taste like bacon.  This might be unpopular with vegetarians, but most of 'em don't like me anyway.  The rest of us would love it.

10.  Sonic Drive In.  Beer.  Everytime I eat their onion rings, I want a beer.  I will make sure that it becomes law that Sonic sell beer.  Don't bring up the whole driving and drinking thing because...

11.  I will invent a pill that will immediately render you sober if you have to drive somewhere after a bender.

12.  Through careful research of the problem, I will make Eddie Murphy funny once again, because my Lord... someone needs to.

13.  By rounding off the remainder partial cents on interest paid for your interest bearing checking accounts and claiming them for my own, I will fix the economy once and for all and I will pay off the Chinese the following week.  I watched Office Space.  I already know it works.

14.  I will invent a device to read what your dog is thinking and wishes to say to you.  You may hate your dog later in the day.  It will exclude thoughts they have while licking their junk non-stop for an hour 'cause we already know what that's all about.

15.  Envelope glue will be available in Pizza, Circus Peanuts, and Beer flavorings.  We all want it. 

My second day of being the world's smartest person will have many other cool things become not just dreams for you.  It's true.  Please vote for me when the ballots are passed around.  You'll be glad you did.


Sunday, January 24, 2010

I Don't Have A Vagina, But....

  It's true.  I do not have a vagina.  Now I've been a big fan of 'em for... well most of my life, and that doesn't make me an expert on 'em or nothing, but it does allow me at least some insight about the things.  And as you may have already guessed, I have some insight today that I feel the need to share with you about something... vagina related.


  That's a great word ain't it?  It can be a noun or a verb or an adjective.  It can be used as a slur or an action or even in it's truest sense... what it is.

  So you're probably wondering how the hell I got my squash filling centered on douches, aren't you?   Okay, that little Amazon.com link in my sidebar, it's linked in to Amazon to show health and beauty stuff to the folks that read Sawdust and Cowpies and hopefully there's something there worthy of a click and a purchase by y'all once in awhile.   I started to make a post this morning and glanced at it and one of the items it was offering to my readership was a Summers Eve Douche.   I've used the word douche for years, it's kinda fun.  I take it out of context, toss it in a conversation mostly for reaction or a laugh... and being that vaginas are in my all time fav list of things, and that the word "douche" is right up there as well, I clicked on the link.   It's the little boy in me that causes that to happen.  I can't help it.  It's the same little boy that gazed in wonderment at the lingerie section of the JC Penney catalog when I was 7. 

  All of this is unpostworthy actually, until I perused a bit deeper in the vast collection of douching products in the ginormous Amazon machine.  

  This is what stopped me dead in my tracks.  Click this. 

You read that correctly.  A douche named "Sweet Romance".  

Nothing I could write past this point will bring the giggles on any louder or stronger than that.  

Sweet Romance....

Alright, it's time for recess. 


Saturday, January 23, 2010

Remember Me?

  Hey, I'm here again.

  My brother passed away, that was the reason for my absence.  I held his hand as he went, and wouldn't have chosen to be anywhere else on earth at that moment.  And that's kinda the way that went... there's lots more story, but if you don't mind... I'll just keep this one to myself.  Alrighty?  Alright.   Sal and I want to thank you all for the love, prayers and cards that were sent.  It meant a lot to us.  A whole lot.

So anyhow my cousin Carla and I are standing in the back of the funeral home prior to the service and I said to her.  "I am being cremated.  I've made my decision.  I wanna be deep roasted, poured in a box, and shoved in the ground or shook out on the ground or pitched into the wind.  I don't really care... but I ain't gonna be a corpse in a box."

 She thought that was a pretty good plan and said "I don't imagine I'll have much say in it.. and they'll probably embalm me and put me in a coffin, so... I made this really incredible mermaid costume one year.  It's kinda famous.  I want to  be buried in that with my tail flipped over the edge of the coffin during visitation."

I stood there looking at her.

She looked at me.

I said... "That is so freakin' awesome it defies all meaning of the word "awesome"."

She said... "I think so too."


Friday, January 8, 2010

Just So Y'all Know...

  I'll be back folks.  Some personal unhappiness taking place that I'm concentrating on for a time.  Please keep my family in your thoughts and prayers.

I've said it before, never miss a chance to tell those that are important to you, what they mean to you.


Friday, January 1, 2010

2009 Sawdust And Cowpies. The Top 5 Posts From The Past year.

Actually I couldn't get it down to 5 so it's 6.  I can't help myself.   It's been a year hasn't it?   Lots of  stuff happened, some good, some bad some hilarious.   I'm not spending a lot of time spewing with the introduction, 'cause I really would like you to peruse some of my best work from last year.

Slot #6 is filled with this post mostly for one picture where woobs were discovered. 

#5 is this jewel where I have my way with that slut Heidi. 

#4 I told y'all about things you'll hear when working cattle with a bunch of hard core old farts. 

#3  A road trip with the band Keota... playing from the back of a pickup truck.   
There's a shot of Sal in this post that is so totally bitchin... I wish there were 2 of her for me to fall in love with. :-)

#2  I let y'all into my high school class of 1976 with no shame what so ever.

#1 And finally, what may be my best work... ever.  I poured my heart and soul into this one, #300 post, registering the most comments I've ever had on a post.  My entire life from birth til now in one post. 

Thanks to all my friends in the blog world and in person here with me that bother to read my blog every single time I throw some of my punkin' filling out here on the internets for all to see.   2010 here I come.  No pants this time!

Love you all.