Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Things I Will Do When I Finally Become The World's Smartest Human Bean

Because it's apparent to me, and many others,  I will soon become the world's smartest person and I have compiled a short list of things that I plan to accomplish as soon as I am officially awarded with this status.  

1.  Cure cancer.  Very top of my list, because if nothing else, I will be a practical and benevolent smartest person.

2. Remove all erectile dysfunction ads from television.  Hold the applause, there's more.

3.  Convert all cars to run on zucchini.  Finally a way to get rid of the abundance of this crap growing in everyone's garden.

4.  Make sure that everyone will get a Christmas present and a birthday card just because they should.

5. Find an additive for Twizzlers that cure the common cold.  What could be better than eating a Twizzler and instantly stopping the flow of snot and that icky feeling that you hate?   I know.  Nothing would be better than that... unless it's number 6.

6.  Renaming the penis to "Miller Lite".   Wouldn't that be awesome?  Yes.

7.  Put a button on everyone's TV remote that would make Oprah fat or skinny, just so we can move on past this thing once and for all.

8.  I would impose the death penalty for anyone owning a juke box with Sweet Home Alabama on it.  My only really negative change in this list... and it's just not THAT negative, now is it?  I just got really tired of that song back in about '78.

9. I would design a way to make everything you burp taste like bacon.  This might be unpopular with vegetarians, but most of 'em don't like me anyway.  The rest of us would love it.

10.  Sonic Drive In.  Beer.  Everytime I eat their onion rings, I want a beer.  I will make sure that it becomes law that Sonic sell beer.  Don't bring up the whole driving and drinking thing because...

11.  I will invent a pill that will immediately render you sober if you have to drive somewhere after a bender.

12.  Through careful research of the problem, I will make Eddie Murphy funny once again, because my Lord... someone needs to.

13.  By rounding off the remainder partial cents on interest paid for your interest bearing checking accounts and claiming them for my own, I will fix the economy once and for all and I will pay off the Chinese the following week.  I watched Office Space.  I already know it works.

14.  I will invent a device to read what your dog is thinking and wishes to say to you.  You may hate your dog later in the day.  It will exclude thoughts they have while licking their junk non-stop for an hour 'cause we already know what that's all about.

15.  Envelope glue will be available in Pizza, Circus Peanuts, and Beer flavorings.  We all want it. 

My second day of being the world's smartest person will have many other cool things become not just dreams for you.  It's true.  Please vote for me when the ballots are passed around.  You'll be glad you did.







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16 comments:

Susan said...

Maverick says the sad thing is, the day AFTER you are voted the World's Smartest Human Bean you will be ground up and made into coffee.

pitty...

8^)

Princess of Everything (and then some) said...

I will totally write you in on my ballot if you will add bacon and diet coke to the envelope flavors.

Oh and I would like to have a place in your cabinet. Like princess of crafty affairs or something.

Sandi said...

Susan is scaring me........

Snandi

k said...

OK, you need to add Dill Pickle Potato Chip to the envelope flavors.

And won't you reconsider Sweet Home Alabama, if you will just picture Tom Hanks as Forrest Gump dancing to it?

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Is that...Circus Peanuts like the actual peanuts that you throw at elephants hoping that they'll stampede...or Circus Peanuts, those deliciously puffed sugar treats that I'm suddenly--mysteriously!--craving?

If it's the latter, you have my vote secured; if it's the former, I prefer my peanuts not to taste of torture and despair.

Sassy Britches said...

I'm off to the courthouse right now for early-voting! You're a shoo-in.

SkylersDad said...

Along with Sweet Home Alabama, can I put in an early request for banishing Hey 19?

Penni Domikis said...

Voted by absentee ballot last week. <3 U ... glad you're back.

AZ said...

One more thing, could you make it a law that all grocery carts should roll straight forward when pushed instead of veering to the right or left. I hate fighting those damn grocery carts. Thanks!

The Retired One said...

YES! I say YES!!!!!! I love your list...and by the way, you just might want to write for Leno now that Coco is over.....

Cynthia L. H. said...

You got it.
Oh, except you know I'm goofy and I still like "Sweet Home Alabama,"...I guess it's because I liked the goofy movie of the same name...but if you won't hold that against me, I'll vote for ya'...
Oh, yeah, and I'm a vegetarian, but I still like you...there's this great veggie "bacon" called Stripples, no lie...I could handle that.
Also, about the Sonic...they have fresh-lime slushes already. You just bring along tequila.
;^)

Jerry said...

Well, when I was the world's smartest person I didn't really do anything. I guess if you're actually gonna deliver, I at least owe you a vote. :)

MommaKiss said...

I'll totally vote for you! Oh man, I'd LOVE to know what my dog is thinking.

Jon said...

Ah yes zucchini! we once had a garden and we had so much of that stuff I used it for wall paper paste, blacktop sealer and thinner for cement mortar. That's after we made all the bread, cookies, and other various blends of concoctions..

Nej said...

Beer, pizza, and circus peanuts. Perfect!!!!! :-)

Boomer Pie said...

Hmmm...Curing cancer, fixing the economy and beer at Sonic. What a benevolent cowguy you are. I think I'm in luvv so I signed up to follow you. Stop by my place for the Super Bowl of Love and return the favor if you so choose. http://www.boomerpie.com/