Monday, March 7, 2011

My Ex Is An Asshat

Okay this one is from Choking in Chicago...

Dear Cowguy,

My ex is an asshat who chronically hurts my daughter's feelings with his "jokes". I routinely tell the asshat that his jokes are not funny and hurt the 14 year old's feelings, but it doesn't help and he refuses to see that what he is doing is hurtful and destructive. Barring leaving flaming bags of dog poo on his doorstep, what can I do to slap some sense into the asshat?

  Well... it takes a real special type to continually hurt anyone's feelings, let alone it being their own offspring... and by "special" of course I'm referring to the type of lowlife that is lower than whale dung in the Mariana Trench.  Also it's obvious to me, and to most folks with at least 2/3 of a brain, that what might be considered funny to an adult is sometimes horrendous to a teenager.  For crying out loud, if there was ever an age group with enough burden of the world bearing on their shoulders, it would be the 13-18 year old category.  A kid doesn't need anything added to the problems of hormones changing like Joan Rivers current facial structure.

  If this were my daughter, (and I have had a situation very closely aligned with this) I would tell her that when the Ol Sperm Donor calls up and says something that is hurtful to her... just hang up.  Just like that.  Don't answer when he calls back that day.  Start the next day off fresh, and if he does it again... hang up.  At 14 she's old enough to realize immediately that her feelings have been hurt but not sure enough of herself to have the courage to just hang up the phone.  That's gonna be your job.  Let her know that it's "okay" to do that and that you'll back her decision to just do it.  
  If he's a little on the dolty side, and I suspect that he is... it may take a few of these episodes for him to catch on, but if he wants to talk to his daughter, he's gonna have to learn to treat her with the respect that she deserves.

  Your other choice is to just hire me.  See I specialize in "public embarrassment" and have some very... gifted abilities to shake the chicken shit outta most anyone.  :-)

  I'm cheap.  You have my email address... and my phone.  I accept Paypal and small arms ammunition as payment.



Cora said...

Dammit, I wish YOU were the judge in family court!!!! :-)

Scope said...

Is there any way you could get him 90 days in the county jail, starting around Halloween?

Gwen said...

I can't understand why flaming bags of poop are barred? I'd volunteer some of my own poop. I'd even go so far as to gorge myself on beef jerky and beans before collection day.

Cowguy said...

Cora: Oh I dunno 'bout that. I'd probably have a contract out on me in a week or less. lol

Scope: Anything is possible. :-)

Gwen: Just LOL. My God woman... lol

Crystal Pistol said...

"abilities to shake the chicken shit....etc..." is a wonderful gift indeed! Funny.

Venom said...

I've said before you're like everybody's favourite uncle (what with the stories and stuff), but I didn't realize you wear a superhoero costume under those overalls.

Go Cowguy.

The Retired One said...

Very good advice, Sensi!

Reenie said...

Jackweed is the new Asshat