Wednesday, September 17, 2008

All Wooled Up

Okay, I'm gonna survive the bug that's infested me. I feel quite a bit better today, spent the day in the shop, just a LOT of coughing and snot and sneezes. Kinda not too peppy, but it beats the crap outta yesterday.

Feeling like that is kinda reminiscent of when cow gets the better of me and wools me up a bit. I've lost count how many times I've had my butt kicked (sometimes literally) but a few stand out.

Several years ago I was ear tagging a new born calf out in the pasture and it's mom wasn't real pleased with my presence and even less pleased that I was touching her baby. Now the safest place on earth (usually lol) in this situation, is to have the calf between you and the mama. They just won't step over their baby to kill you...


I was busy, taking too long putting the tag in and the mom is standing there with her head down about 2 foot from me, shaking it and doing the warbelly moo and slinging slobbers all over creation, and pawing at the ground. I really wasn't paying much attention, I'd seen this act 1000 times... it wasn't an act this time. I went from "everything was lovely and happy" to "BLAMMMO what the????" She gave me a head butt, to MY head which rolled me over on my back, THEN she stepped over her calf and straddled my chest with her front feet and proceeded to spew 33 gallon of cow slobber on my face and give me a few good smacks to the head.

I did a long slow butt crawl backwards from between her legs, threw my cap at her baby and when she looked at it I hopped up, got on the Honda atv and rode away.

Man she conked me a good one.

Probably the most disastrous thrashing I got, happened about 3 years ago. We had the cattle in the barn and the vet was there and we were running calves thru the vets chute doing things that you gotta do to calves. Everything was going real cool, I was in a small pen with about 10 400 pound calves, pushing them one at a time into the vets chute. I was just standing there with a gate in front of me when all of a sudden... my life and testicles flashed before my eyes.

Somehow, through some odd circumstance, a calf had kicked and had perfectly shot it's hoof through a slat in the gate and squared me right in the hoolie hoo's. I folded and hit the barnfloor like a sack of nuts... so to speak.

Everyone in the barn stopped and my vet came back to where I was and said "I cannot believe I just saw that happen." To which I replied "REEETTTTTCHHHHH".

Someone got the calves outta the pen that I was laying in and somehow I didn't get stomped on or kicked in the head... and I just laid there for a time. I finally got up and stumbled over to a quiet corner of the barn and sat on a bucket for awhile and finally worked up the courage to drop trou and see if Huey and Louie had vacated the premise permanently. They hadn't but the whole area of my... area... took on a very cool color of bluish yellow for several days.

People that were there that day still talk 'bout that one.

Wowsers... I just had a flashback. Time for an adult beverage...



Jennifer and Sandi said...

...and you're in the cow business b e c a u s e ???????

I actually worked cows one day (key word here is ONE). I operated the cow prod or poke or whatever you call it. POKE....into the squeeze cage they'd go, until one particular bull.......Poke....into the squeeze cage and out the other side he went and he was NOT happy when he busted out on the other side. I've never seen people run as fast as they did..........

I prefer goats.....thank you. I think I want a fainting doesn't that sound like fun?


Cowguy said...

Sandi said: I prefer goats.....thank you. I think I want a fainting doesn't that sound like fun?

Hey some friends of ours have a fainting goat but they won't let me near it. Go figure.

Come to think of it, I was sorta my own fainting goat with the story up there. ^

Anonymous said...

Well, Jace!

Ever' time I figger you can't top that you come up with a better one!

What a 'colorful' life you've led!

Jerry said...

Hmmmmmm. Ouch? Yeah, that's pretty much it.

You know, I think when I pray for you I really should be giving thanks you're still here. :)

Reenie said...

I just had a fleeting cross-gender sympathy ache. Good God, man - that's rough stuff.

I so like the way you write. It's nice and easy and real. :)

Kim said...

So, I guess what you're trying to say is that you maybe don't feel so great now but you've felt a LOT WORSE, right? Sheesh! You'd think the vet could have done something. But maybe not--what does a city gal know anyway? Come to think of it, considering what so often happens to cattle testicles, it was probably best you kept that vet at a distance.

Jennifer and Sandi said...

HARK.....Who goes There!!!!

Talk about DANGEROUS...I once had to honk my horn at 30 cows crossing my road trying to get to their pasture over at my neighbors place.

Now that was DANGEROUS STUFF I TELL YA!! No really, they didn't give a rat's ass if a car was honking it's horn at them. They just moseyed at their leasure while I tapped my finger nail on the steering wheel waiting for them to GET OUT OF THE WAY!!! The nerve!!

I'm glad your feeling better!!!


- Jennifer

Jennifer and Sandi said...

Oh Yeah, one other thing

I really love your "teach the fainting goat how to faint technique!" Your good!!!

- Jennifer