Tuesday, April 7, 2009

The Trick Is To Be Smarter Than The Cow

Being smarter than the cow ain't always as easy as it seems. Somedays it's just luck that gets you by.

As you know our calving season has been a little rough and a tad unpleasant in a spot or 3. Yesterday morning had the potential for that to be emphasized but (hands on hips in superhero pose, gazing into the rising sun, cape flowing in the breeze) was thwarted by Robert and myself.

It was a cold sonofagun the night before last and I get "the call" yesterday morning.

Robert: We had a new calf last night.

Me: And?

Robert: It's not looking so hot and I can't get near it.

Me: Momma in kill the goofy farmer mode?

Robert: Yeah.

Me: I'll be up there in a few minutes.

So I put on my outdoor clothes and head up there to the farm, we get in the Mule and head over the hill to where I can see from a distance that momma cow has her head up high already (this is the "I kill you" pose) and is dancing around her new calf.

We get close, the calf hasn't really been cleaned up that well by her, is just a touch on the small side, and is waaaaay cold.

Plan devised.

I'm in the passenger seat of the mule and I tell Robert to fling it in there between her and the calf and I'll bail out, snag the calf, bail back in and he'll floor it before I'm mincemeat.

Plans usually suck.

He flings us between the 2 of 'em, the cow immediately is in a circle, comes around and starts rubbing me... pretty harshly... before I can even bail out. Robert sits there.

"Robert, go."


*cow slobbering and getting pretty well pissed, pawing dirt... the whole nine yards.*

"Robert, go. I'm not having fun."

Robert goes.

We circle around and I decide to do the old flying hurl, stumble, grab, run, crap my pants, jump and scream like a woman move.

I bail out, snag the baby calf, Robert stops the mule, cow is in pursuit of me as I circle around the mule trying to figure out how in the hell I'm gonna get back in the mule. I make two loops around the mule, get the baby in the back of the mule as I make one of my wild bazzoo's past it... and the cow stops at the back to sniff the baby now.

I'm standing in front of the mule. Robert is still in the drivers seat.

Me: Robert you need to pull forward so I can.... YIIIIII!!!!!

Cow comes around the side of the mule with a machine gun a hand grenade and 3 sharp knives, head down, fire flaming from her nostrils, smoke coming off her hooves. Death is at my door and he's wearing leather today.

Robert starts gassing the mule, I grab the side of the roll cage and jump in, nearly knocking Robert out the other side... and we head to the barn. Momma is following closely, slobbering, bellowing, cussing the whole way up there.

We get the calf outta the mule, a couple more gate climbing episodes to escape certain death and we're outta there. Mixed up some "calf juice" went back to the barn, separated the 2 of 'em. The calf sucked down the stuff out of a bottle, I slid him in the pen with it's mom... and he went to town sucking.


Once in awhile it works out. No death to anyone or anything.




Jennifer and Sandi said...

Holy cow! You are one brave farmer. Uncle Art told me! Wouldn't it be safer if you took Ol Blue out there? More metal around ya is all? Stay safe and kiss the new calf for me!!!!! :)

Have a Super Tuesday!

- Jennifer

Candy's daily Dandy said...

I was gonna say "Holy Cow" too! (I think I just did)

On the edge of my seat....Congrats on expertly navigating your cunning maneuvers vs. Mamma Cow!

Dick said...

"We circle around and I decide to do the old flying hurl, stumble, grab, run, crap my pants, jump and scream like a woman move."

Yep,that's what always worked for me,back in my cow punching days.

Gwen said...

You have a much more fun and exciting job than me. Glad the baby is doing well as a result of your heroics!

Susan said...

Holy crap. This sounds like me rounding up my little one to go to bed. Life threatening every night.

Sass said...


I was pretty skeered to read that thar story.

I was nervous till the end when I saw that you wasn't keeled ded.

Cora said...

That is one adventurous life you've got there, Cowguy. The most exciting thing I did yesterday was clean up baby puke. Joy!

Nej said...

"Cow comes around the side of the mule with a machine gun a hand grenade and 3 sharp knives, head down, fire flaming from her nostrils, smoke coming off her hooves."

I would reconsider arming your cows.

mo.stoneskin said...

I've spent my entire life trying to outsmart cows and I have never succeeded. Maybe I should take away their stealth bombers and rocket packs.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Let's see...you summed up my love life at least three different times in this post. To wit:

"comes around and starts rubbing me...pretty harshly...before I can even bail out."

"the old flying hurl, stumble, grab, run, crap my pants, jump and scream like a woman move"

"and he went to town sucking"

the last one can also be used to sum up my blog.

Greenmare said...

so what is your super name? SuperFarmer? MegaStockMan?
Just keep in mind you should nix the cape idea though, didn't you watch The Incredibles????
No Cape!

Sassy Britches said...

Did you have on clean underwear, just in case you didn't make it? Always very important!

And now I'm going to go back and read it again, because it was just so darn exciting!

April said...

Next time you really should have him record it all so we can see. So funny (now that it's over). Glad you rescued the calf.

rebelsrider said...

While I was reading about you crapping your pants, I was busy peeing in mine from laughing so hard.

Stacie's Madness said...

oh my goodness....thank goodness you all are ok, but I did giggle while reading, which should be a warning on your page.

Hit 40 said...

This is kinda like rounding up a child gone nuts at school!

Scope said...

Didn't you have an old hog house door or patch of tin that you could have used like a bull fighter's cape to baffle and confuse momma?

Also, you might want to tell Sal to stop using SaltLick brand laundry detergent. At least until the life insurance premium cheque clears.

Jerry said...

It was sure fun to tour the stockyard today, Jace. It adds a "been there, saw that" flavor to your cow posts. :)

Glad you survived (again) and that the calf will probably be fine rather than frizzed to death in the pasture......

Sally said...

I didn't know you were a rodeo clown too! Awsome!