Monday, December 20, 2010

Deck The Friggin' Walls With Bowels Of Molly

 Last night Sal and I were home alone, we do our best work then, and decided to throw the tree in the house and hang stuff all over it.  So we did.  I hacked around on it til the bottom looked like it was a leper, with a pair of pruning shears... 'cause they were handy.   Sal started hanging lights on it whilst I scampered off to the kitchen to make some delicious Christmas decorating beverages meant for adults only.

Wanna see some of our prized ornaments?   Heck yeah you do!  I took the job of untangler, and paparazzi fool.

First, a man's ornament.  It's pretty incredible, so life-ded-like in a tiny minature way.  Deer skull with horns.

I've got more!!

The red bird made family famous in a video from 12 years ago.

Oh and you want the video?  Peruse at your leisure.  Jake woulda been about 11 or 12.  I had no gray hair.  It was magic.

Incredible eh?

Two little personalized guitars.  They really play!!! 

No they don't.

I went all apeshit one year and actually made some ornaments.  I almost lost interest before I started, hence they instantly became collectibles because of the limited production.

They're made of gen-u-ine tree wood.  Rare in some parts of the world.

The star of Dave, enhanced with dog chewing.

Santa made from a shotgun shell.. cause we're hillbilly sonofaguns and we love having our Christmas decorations shot right outta the freakin' gun, Bubba.  I dunno what happened to his eye but it gives him kind of an edgy, pissed off Santa look.

And of course the rare and elusive Glitter Gun from a few years ago.  It's front and center.  Damned straight buddy roe!

Lookit Sally in her big ol' Santa hat!!    Cute as a nest of baby coons under the front porch!

And of course the traditional drink of choice and habit and ritual here at Christmas... The Homewrecker.

Cowguy's Homewrecker:

Your standard 12 oz glass, chipped rim optional.
A handful of ice cubes.
Cheap Mexican Coffee Bean Liqueur... 3 big shots
Cheap Brandy, preferably in a plastic bottle... 2 big shots
Top off the the glass with store brand Half and Half.
Stir it with your finger and prepare yourself.  It's like drinking candy.



The Retired One said...

you are so funny....and guns for ornaments??? That is down right hilarious!!!

Venom said...

OMG, I've been drinking Homewreckers forEVER, man! Now I finally know what to call 'em.

'Kay, your homemade wooden ornaments? Awesome. I'd pay $ for them. Not a lot of money, 'cuz I'm cheap like that, but some money.

Shotgun shell Santa - genius. Given me an idea for Christmas craft day with the niece & nephews next week.

Favourite, hands down, deer skull. One day I found a tiny mouse or vole skull in my barn, all neatly sucked clean by one of the cats. For some unknown reason I threw it on the table in my tackroom where it is to this day. Now I know what to do with it...

Cowguy, you are awesome. I'm so glad you're back.

Cowguy said...

Oh Retired Woman... Heck yeah guns, but note, THE glitter gun!

Venom... LOL thanks buddy! Ornament production, sorry. That stuff was too tedious and too... just too too. Now go get them mouse heads!

Candy's daily Dandy said...

The Santa made from the shell casing is hilarious.

You're a Green Redneck. Reuse, recycle, redo.
Great job!

Vicky said...

Gotta love a man with a mullet!!!!!!

Scope said...

While hacking away at that bottom of the tree, did the following conversation take place:

Cowguy: Don't try this at home. I'm a professional. I know how to handle my wood.

Sally: Damn straight, big fella.

Just wondering.

Cowguy said...

Candy Baby... LOL nothin' better than shell casings on the Christmas tree, I think Bing Crosby sang about that.

Vicky... You know, I'm thinking of growing the mullet again, just so I can get my picture on People Of WalMart. :-)

Scope... LOL After we downed those 2 Homewreckers we just kinda sat there and drooled. Smart ass reparte disappeared a few minutes into those. :-)

WowsRose said...

Our Sparkley Gun is front and center as always too.

I gotta know where the skull came from...that's the only thing missing from our tree.

I have a feeling the hacking of the tree conversation went more like:

Jace: S-O-B MY KNEE.
Sally: Take another shot.
Jace: @#$@#$@#$^%$^@#$ KNEE! And what the hell is this sorry excuse for pruners!?!? *THROWS OUTSIDE IN THE SNOW*

Heff said...

You obviously have more patience than I...

SkylersDad said...

Am I the only one nerdy enough to recognize the Mannheim Steamroller Christmas album?

Now I just want to go make homewreckers and deck the halls!

SkylersDad said...

And of course by "nerdy" I meant appreciator of fine music!

Jerry said...

SkylersDad: Of course you did.

Jace, I can't believe it could get much better'n that for Christmas. I'd sure like to see the video of the hacking-of-the-tree-conversation Nicky described. She's obviously seen the off-Broadway performance.

Cowguy said...

LOL yeah Skypapa, that was the music... yes it makes you nerdy. :-)

Jerry...All of my best performances never make it to video.

Cynthia L. H. said...

Just exactly what I needed...
thank you...
warmed my Grinch/Ebenezer Scrooge heart clear through.
Now, I know what else I need...
one of your signature Homewrecker drinks... sounds like a toddy that could put some sizzle in a cold, Grinchy heart.

Crystal Pistol said...

I'm really diggin that sparkly gun! I gotta get me one!

WowsRose said...

The gun came from and I'm sad to say they don't have it anymore. I just checked because I wanted to order a red one. lol
If I remember right, the black one sold out in 24 hours and they caught a lot of shit for it! LOL