You Wanna Do What?

I've been at this now for a few posts and already I'm starting to wonder "WTF" at a few questions...   This next one. fits. that. category.

"Some Weirdo" writes...

Dear Cowguy,

Please advise me as to the best way to murder someone so I don't get caught.
Signed,
Alleging I am just trying to come up with a mystery plot for a new book I am writing.

 Well ho-lee crap.  I may have received a question that I'm unqualified for.  "Alleging" that you are *cough* writing a mystery plot for a book *cough*, I'm gonna give this a shot.  

LOL did you see that?  "give this a SHOT!" My goodness I kill myself.   LOL did you see THAT?  Kill myself!!!! LOL  I'm just digging this hole deeper an....... DIGGING THIS HOLE!!! LOL I'm dying!!!  DYING!!!!!! 

oH Craaaapppppp i aa.asa justtttttttttttttttt.. ala;lsi  sucked a jellllllllly baean dwn my wwwwindpipe..

*thud*

Weirdos....  sheesh








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My Ex Is An Asshat

Okay this one is from Choking in Chicago...

Dear Cowguy,

My ex is an asshat who chronically hurts my daughter's feelings with his "jokes". I routinely tell the asshat that his jokes are not funny and hurt the 14 year old's feelings, but it doesn't help and he refuses to see that what he is doing is hurtful and destructive. Barring leaving flaming bags of dog poo on his doorstep, what can I do to slap some sense into the asshat?

  Well... it takes a real special type to continually hurt anyone's feelings, let alone it being their own offspring... and by "special" of course I'm referring to the type of lowlife that is lower than whale dung in the Mariana Trench.  Also it's obvious to me, and to most folks with at least 2/3 of a brain, that what might be considered funny to an adult is sometimes horrendous to a teenager.  For crying out loud, if there was ever an age group with enough burden of the world bearing on their shoulders, it would be the 13-18 year old category.  A kid doesn't need anything added to the problems of hormones changing like Joan Rivers current facial structure.

  If this were my daughter, (and I have had a situation very closely aligned with this) I would tell her that when the Ol Sperm Donor calls up and says something that is hurtful to her... just hang up.  Just like that.  Don't answer when he calls back that day.  Start the next day off fresh, and if he does it again... hang up.  At 14 she's old enough to realize immediately that her feelings have been hurt but not sure enough of herself to have the courage to just hang up the phone.  That's gonna be your job.  Let her know that it's "okay" to do that and that you'll back her decision to just do it.  

  If he's a little on the dolty side, and I suspect that he is... it may take a few of these episodes for him to catch on, but if he wants to talk to his daughter, he's gonna have to learn to treat her with the respect that she deserves.

  Your other choice is to just hire me.  See I specialize in "public embarrassment" and have some very... gifted abilities to shake the chicken shit outta most anyone.  :-)

  I'm cheap.  You have my email address... and my phone.  I accept Paypal and small arms ammunition as payment.

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The Boss Is An Ass

  Oh boy, my first question... and I'm as excited as a 16 year old school boy going to the dance with the girl with the biggest doo dads in the Jr. class.

  I am!  Really!

Monkey On My Back in Michigan writes....

"Dear Cowguy,

 How do I tell my boss he's an ass without getting fired?"

 Well... see, you've thrown a wrench in the works here 'cause you don't wanna lose your job while telling the big boss man that he needs to join Jerkaholics Anonymous.  The secret to making a plan to work in a situation like this can be found with one word. 

Anonymity.

 My first gut feeling would be to sneak into his home in the dark of night wearing a Satan mask, wake him up with "You're doing a great job for me Bob, treating your employees like crap... everything is looking up for me seeing you in Hell, buddy."  Then I'd pee in his sink and leave.  

Some of that flashy powder stuff to toss out in the room as you leave would be a nice touch.

There's a chance you could get shot doing this and being as how you're not the real Satan, you're probably not bullet proof.  So... you can play this however you want.

The more logical solution would be directly, without the benefit of anonymity.  The next time that he pulls his crap, just fold your hands (body language speaks volumes), look him directly in the eye and tell him that you ARE a good employee, you're doing your job and have for years, and what he's just said is unfair and hurtful, and never break eye contact.  He's gonna get real uncomfortable and you've done nothing that would jeopardize your job.

 Then, at the end of the day, while you're walking to your car... kick the tail lights outta his Beemer.  That little gift is just for you.

 I hope this helps you out with that jerkwater asshat.

Cowguy

 Email me with your questions about anything on earth.  I have the answer.  It's true.

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So Here It Is... The New And Improved Sawdust & Cowpies

  Truth is folks, I "think" I became a little bored with the whole blogging thing.  As near as I can tell I'd just hit a wall and as bored as I possibly was, I still wanted to do it.  With a little impetus earlier in the week from a friend, it got the wheels churning with what it (the blog) could evolve into.

  Frankly, I don't know what corner of my brain this whole farmboy advice format crawled out of, but praise Jesus it got out.  It was causing parts of my personal being to cramp up uncomfortably.

  If you've got troubles, and I'm talking about ANYTHING... I feel very qualified to help you out.  Now bear in mind it might not be the answer you're looking for and above all, there's a good possibility that it's gonna be an "improper" answer.  But by golly, it's gonna be an answer.  If it helps you there's no charge.  If it's a complete failure, there's no charge.  It's freeeeeeeeee!

  Everything will be discreet, your name or email address won't appear on here anywhere.  I promise.  If what your problem concerns needs a picture for better description... say a nasty skin disorder or a snake in your underwear drawer, include a picture.

  I'll kinda pick and choose from emails (hopefully enough roll in and this whole concept crawls around the internets) and answers might be a bit delayed if a lot roll in.

  So, how's it sound?  Totally incredible?

  Yes.  It does, doesn't it?

  Fire away Friends, Romans and Country Fried Steaks!
 

  The Cowguy

  PS.  All content from the old Sawdust and Cowpies stays as she lays.  ;-)
  PSS Thanks to my daughter Nicky for the new banner.  It rocks, she rocks.










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I'm Working on Something Here...

  Yes.  I am not amongst the dead quite yet.  It's been close once or twice. 

Mostly I got a little kick in the jump starter this morning and whilst I was on the road today the ol' Cowguy wheels were churning and spinning and grinding and squealing and making all sorts of shitty noises.  I'm surprised you didn't hear.  Anyhow I think I may re-invent Sawdust and Cowpies into something more than it is, which lately has been hordes of nothing. 

What pray tell?  Audience participation.

Let me think this out a bit.  Okay?

Okay.

Oh and this pic has nothing to do with anything.  It's awesome, isn't it?



Later... and soon.
J.




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Rotten Ronnie's Got Some Big Nuggets

Driving by ol' Rotten Ronnies today and I noticed that they're real proud to offer you a 50 count load of McNuggets for $9.99. 

That's known as Dinner For Two down at the trailer park for Jr. and his old lady Wanda.

And that "Party"?  It'll be a bring your own Rolaids and toilet paper type of affair.







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How I Almost Fell In Love With A Chinese Girl Named Janet.

Okay so I was wanting a new pickup/pre-amp dual feed setup for my Martin guitar... cause the old one sucks like a carp on your ninny down at the old swimmin' hole.  I got this Fishman Prefix Premium S.O.B. (the actual model name... that kinda kicks ass huh?) all picked out but the dollars were a little steep for my wallet... around $400 bones.  I went to Ebay and did some searching and found about a half dozen of 'em from a seller in China.  Now I've bought a few things direct from China, never had a problem, so I wasn't too concerned with the fact that it was located way over there.... and it was $160 bucks.

Now I'm always a little amused that when I deal with anyone overseas, they plaster themselves with an American name.  "Janet" made me laugh out loud.  The Chengrish emails that Janet and I started exchanging on a daily basis were the highlight of my mornings for almost a month and a half.

I saved all of the emails, I'll give you some highlights.

hi there
thanks for your email for us
since you are interested in this item XXXXXXXXXXX
we 'dlike to offer you $161 inclduing shipping for one set of Fishman.S.O.B preamp byu regsiter mail
any further needs welcome to contact us again
regards
janet

Okay so this is going pretty well so far.  Janet communicates.

hi there,
payment already been received,and we ship it for you into next 24 hours.
please don't worry.
best regards
janet

The "please don't worry" soon became a reoccurring theme in our emails, that always made me smile.  Along about 3 weeks into it, I sent an email a little concerned about where my 160 dollars had gone.  Janet replied back.

hi there,
thanks for you contacting us with the problem. your order was shipped out on Nov-29-10 to this address:edited out
the tracking number for you to use: XXXXXXXXXXX
please check package: www.usps.com
shipment take about 14 ~ 21 business days for international package. now is also the special time, as the christmas day is coming, there are lots of packages waiting for custom clearance and delivery for the united states america
could you please be more patient and wait for another few days?
your understanding will be much appreciated.
please don't worry.
best regards
janet

You darn tootin, this also special time. lol

So 'bout Jan 3 or 4 I send Janet another email telling her/him that it still ain't here and we need to do something else.  Janet turns things over to "Cherry". 

I'm overwhelmed with mirth.


I am sorry for that.
You need me to resend DHL or EMS?  If yes, you send me USD$22 for splitting shipping
cost. Package arrive to
you in 5 or 8 days.
best regards,
Cherry

I reply to sweet little Cherry that I'm not sending anymore dough and that they need to take care of the problem.
Janet replies back.  They're tag teaming me like a Mexican Rasslin' match now.

hi there

thanks for your email

sorry for later shipment

now , you need we re-send this SOB for you ?

(LOL re-send this SOB kills me)

please don't be afraid, we start using ebay shippingtool system on 30,December. which have contract EMS, every transaction be automatically produced a barcode address. 

before that, we don't have transaction record on ebay site. 

best regards,

janet

Okay... ol' Janet kinda lost me towards the end there.  But I decided that playing along was best and just let 'em send that SOB to me again. 

Well to make a long story a little shorter, today... January 18th, the first one arrived.  I don't really know what happens to a package that makes it look like this, but I was pretty well laughin my butt off when I saw it.

Awesome eh?

What was amazing is that the fairly delicate electronics looked to be in pretty decent shape... I ain't laying no bets if they work or not.  Before I got hacking a hole in the guitar, I think it might be prudent to wire 'em up and see if everything really works. :-)

Please don't worry....

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It's Over. What Happened In The Restroom, and Organ Transplants.

The holidays are over.  Praise baby Jesus.  With everything that took place between Thanksgiving and New Years... holy cats.  Everyone is gone from our place 'cept for me and Sally, it's been a rotation of family, friends, ner' do wells and etc for weeks now.

Last weekend was the last weasel strangled and it was a fun one.  Some of the kids were here, our grand daughter Emma celebrates her birthday on New Years Day so we had a party for her.  Some friends of ours got married on the same day at 1 pm... you know 01.01.11 at 1.  I was the best man and it was a hoot.  Real small service with just close friends and family.  My daughter Nicky did the photog work for 'em and she sent me this today with "This is just disturbing to me... and I think it's illegal to actually grab your junk in church."

Mark and I go waaaaay back and we've kicked a lotta turds around the yard over the years.  I was honored he asked me.

Anyhow with the end of the festivities I'm giving my liver a break.  It's kinda been like "make that bastard fight for the right to live inside this handsome hunk of man". 

It screamed Uncle.

Okay so yesterday, we were in town and I needed to visit the potty.  We were in the local farm and home store and I beelined it back there.  Folks.  I have no idea on earth what had transpired in there before I arrived but it was bad.  How bad?  For want of a better description it smelled like someone had ate a decaying donkey and then carried it around inside of 'em for a week and then shat it all out in one fell swoop.  It was one of the most ghastly things that ever entered my lungs.

I had to go pretty bad.  I stepped back out and looked around on the nearest shelves for something to spray in there... starting fluid, WD-40, livestock spray... anything to mask the odor.  Nothing.  I re-entered the fetidity and gagged.  Back out.  Tearfully I jogged back outta the store.

What the hell makes something that already smells bad... smell like that?  Seriously.  I thought about calling 911 and just having the EMT's frisk every farmer in there to see if one of 'em was the walking dead. 

Criminy.





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