Thursday, March 27, 2008

Get Away From Me With That Animal.

I've been a cowguy and outdoorsman most of my life and I can safely say that I've been assaulted by roughly 50 percent of the flora and fauna that thrive in north Missouri. More than a few have been pretty weird ones, and a couple gave me nightmares for awhile.

I think my very first animal assault was brought on by a first attack by me. I was about 8 and I had a fishing dip net. My grandma had a big, longhaired, grey pussycat that she loved like all get out. In my yet undeveloped 8 year old mind I rationalized that catching that pussycat in the dip net would be a great idea. Good Lord in heaven! Up until then it was the worst idea I ever had. When I caught the cat it started flipping around like it had springs on it's feet and it was dodging rattlesnakes. In the span of 2 seconds it had itself so wound up in that dip net, it seemed hopeless. I had a timeframe to get that cat out too. That time frame was indeterminable but definate... it would be the amount of time it took my Grandma to hear the cat and walk out the front door and see what I had done, and then probably an early death for an 8 year old that up until then was an angel as pure as the driven snow in his Grandma's eyes.

I fought that cat like trying to stave off a bull elephant attack with nothing more than a limp willow switch to fight it with. I drug the whole mess around the corner of the house, out of view of the front window and set into my task. The dip net was actually my Dad's, so it had to be preserved as well. I have no idea how many times that cat bit me and clawed me and generally poked holes in me, but if I had immediately drank a glass of water it woulda spewed outta me like Daffy Duck after Elmer Fudd shoots him.

My grandma never found out. The cat ran from me everytime it saw me from then on. I was fine with that relationship.

Deer hunting once I shot a nice buck, walked over to it and laid my rifle down and the "dead" deer kicked me so hard in the shin I thought my leg was broke. I limped around for a week had to explain about 1200 times that I was attacked by a dead deer. That'll make you the Great White Hunter among your pals.

I cornered a ground hog under a house once and he actually charged me getting mere inches from latching onto my lower lip and removing it from my face... AND I had a gun to defend myself with! I did the most rapid reverse crab crawl outta that crawlspace that you ever seen. Groundhog gnashing those huge yellow teeth in front of my face. I left my gun under there. I lost all the hide off my elbows. I scraped the skin offa my spine as I bumped floor joists coming out.

Killer groundhogs. They exist. I've seen 'em.


I hate bats. Little tiny, half mouse with fangs, half Dracula winged thing from hell. Out in the yard at night, I don't mind 'em. They're eating mosquitoes and minding their own business, but up close and personal... man they give me the heebie jeebies like nobodies business.

I went down in an old celler once and opened the frost door and a bat fell offa the top of the door and fluttered against my chest for 3 or 4 seconds whilst I beat myself half to death and most likely soiled myself. He got away... I did too. Gaaah! I got the willies just thinking of that one.

I grabbed a wild turkey once that was stuck in a fence. I fought that battle for maybe 1/2 of a second, got winged in the face, fell backwards down the ditch bank and cut my arm on something that the turkey pulled out of his boot. I will never ever grab another turkey in the wild that is not suffering heavily from death.

I was in an old barn of ours one night and a raccoon fell out of the ceiling of the loft and landed on my head. I KNOW I soiled myself on that one. Holy cow. I fell down over something in the dark trying to get away from whatever creature it was that was attacking me. Panic is always funny later on.

And I started this to tell y'all 'bout a cow that "rubbed" me this morning... eh well. Another time. :-)


lilsis said...

How you have made it this far, and alive, I do not know. What happened to the skunk story?

Cowguy said...

It's like a miracle, huh?

The skunk story? That's a small novel all by itself. :-)

Kim said...

Ah, the wonders of life in the country! I think I'll stick to my city life. Your bat escapade cracked me up!

WowsRose said...

I was going to say the same thing - you left out the skunk!!!

Vicky said...

ROFLOL. I can't quit laughing!

Anonymous said...

Hoo Boy! I'm still crying from laughing. You're right; panic is funny!

Fletch said...

Things that go "bump" in the dark. Yeah, I got a story about a "pssst" thing in a funeral home one night. Scared the be-jesus outta me at 27 yoa.

Thinking about the dead deer also reminds me of an episode my father had with a buck on a sandbar.

Bon said...

Jace, you are just too funny. I can't imagine how you ever survived. You got me to laughing and of course that brought on coughing. LOL

Winona said...

I was trying to be quiet, as my husband was taking a Sunday afternoon nap, but I was giggling and laughing so hard, I woke him up. Now he thinks I have lost my mind, and I am still wiping tears from laughter. Your stories just crack me up. Keep them coming. With the prices of everything now, we all need some free laughter.