A Trench A Trench... My Kingdom For A Trench

So, I'm in need of a trencher to come to our place and trench me a trench. Dunno what a trencher is? Here. A trencher.





It's got wheels, an engine, a rotating chain... it digs a trench. You're probably thinking to yourself "Oh! I've seen those all over the place digging trenches like crazy." Yeah, but just try and get one to come to your place to dig a trench of your very own. It's like asking someone on the street to lance a boil on your butt for you. Not many takers. After a couple weeks, I remain trenchless.

I need a trench at this time, to put a 4" tile in about 65 feet long, it'll hook our new outside wood stove to our home. So see... I don't want a trench for frivolous purposes, I want a trench to put a thing in... a trench that I can be proud of... a trench to share with my friends and family. A trench that I can hand down to my children when I pass on.

Truly, I have lost count of how many guys I've called advertising themselves as "Trencher Operators". From my research, roughly half are liars, half are lazy, and the last half are too busy taking up the slack for the first 2 halves. There are a LOT of these guys around, I "think" my count is 7 different trenching operations that I've contacted. That's just a stab in the dark, 'cause I really did lose count. I've called guys that said to call this other guy that said to call yet another guy. One call made the complete circle and led back to a guy that I'd already called and left a message but obviously is filthy rich from all the trenching he's done, 'cause he won't return a call to his answering machine and 2 to a woman answering the phone at his place.

I went to bed last night and told Sal... enough is enough. I'm renting the POS that the local rental place has, which they just raised the price on and charge twice the price what a guy would charge to come and do it for you. I looked at their rental a while back and it was a horror show of a piece of machinery, literally covered with welded places and wired on parts. I was dreading running the thing, knowing it was gonna break down, but I was at the end of getting it professionally done.

I had some plumbing to do this morning, which is a whole nuther story, but I got it done, came upstairs, called the rental place, found out that they'd jacked the price astronomically, hung up. Spun in circles, cursed the rental place, cursed the trenchless earth I walked upon, cursed all the trencher operators in my phone book. I cursed the cup of coffee in my hand, I cursed my Jr. High coach for making me run until I puked because he caught me smoking outside the gym door. I cursed midget wrestling because it's so degrading, but funny. I cursed dog crap because of what it is. I cursed my dog because she does it right on the path between my shop and the house and I usually step in it. I cursed liver and onions cause face it... who the hell likes that stuff anyhow. I cursed the bicycle I had when I was 7 because it was a horrible bike that almost neutered me more than once when I'd slip off the pedals.

Dangit... I cursed the 3 stooges for replacing Curly with Shemp and then replacing Shemp with Joe Besser! I cursed everything I could until I was curseless.

I stumbled back to sit on the stairs in the kitchen, Sally put a wet washcloth on my forehead to calm me down. We laughed, we cried, we hugged and she said, "Try just one more guy honey" And I did.

He called me back, he couldn't do it, he was too busy digging trenches in other parts of the world to be bothered with my pittance of a trench, but he gave me the name of yet another trencher operator that I didn't know about. I called him and left a message.

He just called back and said he'd be here Friday afternoon or Saturday morning, it'll be $100 "Thanks for calling me, Jace".

I'm gonna see if Sally will bake him a cake or something when he gets here... maybe I'll wash his truck and trencher for him. My dream has come true, I get my very own trench!


*sigh*

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