Tuesday, October 28, 2008

A Trench A Trench... My Kingdom For A Trench

So, I'm in need of a trencher to come to our place and trench me a trench. Dunno what a trencher is? Here. A trencher.

It's got wheels, an engine, a rotating chain... it digs a trench. You're probably thinking to yourself "Oh! I've seen those all over the place digging trenches like crazy." Yeah, but just try and get one to come to your place to dig a trench of your very own. It's like asking someone on the street to lance a boil on your butt for you. Not many takers. After a couple weeks, I remain trenchless.

I need a trench at this time, to put a 4" tile in about 65 feet long, it'll hook our new outside wood stove to our home. So see... I don't want a trench for frivolous purposes, I want a trench to put a thing in... a trench that I can be proud of... a trench to share with my friends and family. A trench that I can hand down to my children when I pass on.

Truly, I have lost count of how many guys I've called advertising themselves as "Trencher Operators". From my research, roughly half are liars, half are lazy, and the last half are too busy taking up the slack for the first 2 halves. There are a LOT of these guys around, I "think" my count is 7 different trenching operations that I've contacted. That's just a stab in the dark, 'cause I really did lose count. I've called guys that said to call this other guy that said to call yet another guy. One call made the complete circle and led back to a guy that I'd already called and left a message but obviously is filthy rich from all the trenching he's done, 'cause he won't return a call to his answering machine and 2 to a woman answering the phone at his place.

I went to bed last night and told Sal... enough is enough. I'm renting the POS that the local rental place has, which they just raised the price on and charge twice the price what a guy would charge to come and do it for you. I looked at their rental a while back and it was a horror show of a piece of machinery, literally covered with welded places and wired on parts. I was dreading running the thing, knowing it was gonna break down, but I was at the end of getting it professionally done.

I had some plumbing to do this morning, which is a whole nuther story, but I got it done, came upstairs, called the rental place, found out that they'd jacked the price astronomically, hung up. Spun in circles, cursed the rental place, cursed the trenchless earth I walked upon, cursed all the trencher operators in my phone book. I cursed the cup of coffee in my hand, I cursed my Jr. High coach for making me run until I puked because he caught me smoking outside the gym door. I cursed midget wrestling because it's so degrading, but funny. I cursed dog crap because of what it is. I cursed my dog because she does it right on the path between my shop and the house and I usually step in it. I cursed liver and onions cause face it... who the hell likes that stuff anyhow. I cursed the bicycle I had when I was 7 because it was a horrible bike that almost neutered me more than once when I'd slip off the pedals.

Dangit... I cursed the 3 stooges for replacing Curly with Shemp and then replacing Shemp with Joe Besser! I cursed everything I could until I was curseless.

I stumbled back to sit on the stairs in the kitchen, Sally put a wet washcloth on my forehead to calm me down. We laughed, we cried, we hugged and she said, "Try just one more guy honey" And I did.

He called me back, he couldn't do it, he was too busy digging trenches in other parts of the world to be bothered with my pittance of a trench, but he gave me the name of yet another trencher operator that I didn't know about. I called him and left a message.

He just called back and said he'd be here Friday afternoon or Saturday morning, it'll be $100 "Thanks for calling me, Jace".

I'm gonna see if Sally will bake him a cake or something when he gets here... maybe I'll wash his truck and trencher for him. My dream has come true, I get my very own trench!




Jennifer and Sandi said...

I'll tell ya. There's nothing in this world sadder than a man without a trench.... Personally, I think EVERYONE should have a trench AND a trencher. Yep, their own personal trencher cause ya just don't know when you might need one.


*sneeze...hack...hack*....I hab a code.....

quiltmom said...

I can relate to your saga- I need a trench too because the sewer line into my house is collapsing so I need someone to come and replace the tar paper line with pvp pipe _ I can have it trench or trenchless - the quoted price for the trenchless is 10 thousand dollars----We are still looking ....but need to do it soon as the line likes to back up - that is not very nice either...nor very healthy smelling....
Glad you were able to find someone to dig your trench...

Anonymous said...

OMG!! ROFLOLPIMP!!!! Dude, I can just picture you spinnin' and cursin', and Sally bent over double laffin'!! Just a personal 'visual', you know? Something along the lines of the Tasmanian Devil.
But on a more serious note---I'm real thankful that you're gonna get your trench, dude. Eve

Reenie said...

You almost lost me at boil... hhhm, or was it butt?

Holy trenches Batman, you are veryveryvery funny. Sorry I've been missing your good writing. I have some catching up to do. Reens

Reenie said...

Okay, so I meant to type hmmm. Hhhm works just the same, right?

Lindah said...

rofl! I thought I had a hard day today! Didn't top yours! The telling of your tale of woe has given me a sorely needed chuckle--note that I said the "telling" of the tale was funnny, not the woe itself! :-)
Enjoy your trench!

Jazy said...

Heck I could have send you my hubby!! He once decided he didn't need a trencher and dug a 6' trench using a little gardening trowel!! I can still hear him swear about it!
Oh and to make it all even better, he dug it in the wrong place!! I ended up getting a trencher in!

Jennifer and Sandi said...

I hate lazy trenchers and the rich trenchers. I hate the trenchers who don't listen to their answering machines, and I hate the trenchers who think they are too busy.

I'm glad you found a nice trencher!!

Please take photo's of the trenching process. One can never be too informed on the life of a trencher and the life of the person that needed the trencher!!

Happy Trenching!!!
- Jennifer

Jerry said...

I had to trench in my #4 lines to my shop and I rented one fairly reasonably - I think it was about $50 for a half-day. Nothing like you pictured - just a walking style. Glad you found a decent guy to step up to the plate. Yeah, a cake or something would be in order for sure!! You may get heat this winter after all!

Now go haul wood........

Anonymous said...

Don't bake the cake just yet. Wait til he's on site. It's real hard to find a honest trencher these days.

Anonymous said...

Hi. Saw a picture on Lolcats and thought of your two goats, Dumb & Hopeless (or something to that effect). http://icanhascheezburger.com/page/36/

- Wendy in Iowa

Anonymous said...

Well, did the trencher make it today as promised? Come on, we need an update.