Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Things You Shouldn't Put On Your Lips. Item #8

For your convenience I've compiled a short list of things you shouldn't put on your lips. This list is in no way 100 percent correct, but it's pretty danged close.

Things You Shouldn't Put On Your Lips.

1. A Nuclear warhead with anything less than 1 hour on the timer.

2. Battery acid.

3. A speeding bullet.

4. Any part of Rosie O'Donnell.

5. Badger teeth. This is especially true if said teeth are still attached to a living, breathing Badger.

6. A taxi driver's seat cushion.

7. Anything found under a seat in the theater.

8. Spiders.

Let me stop this list here at number 8 and move on to what I'm gonna call the "Show and Tell" portion of todays show.

This is a respirator. This is actually the respirator that I put on if I'm walking in the finish room of my shop to spray something real quick like. I've got another fresh air respirator that I put on if I'm gonna be in there for awhile.

Now this next picture is the backside of that respirator, that is strapped onto your face nice and tight. Looky at all those flippy flops of rubber and spacious cavity inside.

So... yesterday I pull on my respirator, snap it behind my head, pull it over my punkin, put my glasses back on and put my cap back on and start into the finish room... and I feel something. Something in my mask. I stop and try to decide if it's just something itchy on my nose and then... nothing. I open the door and then... something runs across my lips.

I'm dead serious. Something ran across my lips. I whip off my cap and start tearing the respirator offa my face, flinging my glasses to who knows where. I'm in a major panic now. I'm trying to unsnap the snap behind my head on the stupid strap and finally get it undone and then... a spider hops outta my respirator and onto the floor.

I applied my boot.

I've got no clue if it was a deadly poisonous variety 'cause I just didn't get a real good look at him before he looked like he does in that picture. Twernt no parts of my face swelling up or falling off this morning, so I'm guessing I never got bit.

Wanna know the worst part? This ain't the first time this has happened. Only the other time I didn't get the thing on my face before the spider scurried outta there. AND I'd just fumigated for bugs in the shop not over 2 weeks ago.

LOL Now everytime I put the thing on today, I was shaking it out and looking around in it.



Anonymous said...

If you wanted to put Rosie on your lip , I'd say you were real sick,but you could watch her new show !!! Cuz it is going to be great!!!

WowsRose said...


I'm sorry, but that gave me the eebiejeebies and made me laugh out loud at the same time. lol

It's a good thing it wasn't Shelby. Wheeewwiieee.

Jerry said...


Why oh why are all the truly funny things build upon the misfortune of others!??!?? I cooked up a serious belly laugh over that one. Your lovely daughter put it perfectly - eebiejeebies and laughter at the same time. :)

Speaking of your lovely daughter, I've always wanted to mention the pic on her posts (avatar?) - can't think of a more perfect picture. Beautiful.

Jennifer and Sandi said...

Well thank god it wasn't a scorpion!!

I have to go take a shower. I feel all itchy and crap!

Thanks for the cheese ball. I can't wait to receive it. I can cross that off my list of things to pull out of the closet this year to re-gift for Christmas!!

- Jennifer

Sarah J. said...

Oh, yuck! I'd be giving that respirator a good shake or two before I put it on next time!

Sally said...

gaaahhhh!! I didn't know you had a spider run across those lips! *spittooweeee* I kiss those things!
That's as creepy as even thinking about RO'D let alone watching her on purpose!

Greenmare said...

oh man you are braver than me for sure, the screams would still be echoing back and forth across lake Michigan if I had put that thing on and felt that!

Greenmare said...

oh and add to the list....
the spare house key that your mother kept in the freezer in the garage for emergencies. Ask me how I know this.

Jennifer and Sandi said...

What cheese ball? I didn't get no stinkin cheese ball? And I'm almost afraid to find out what numbers 9 and 10 were!!!

~Sandi from Texas....not Sandi from Minnesota~

Anonymous said...

Ewwwwwwwww!!!! That's a whole lot worse than me finding a snakeskin 'shed' in the attic yesterday! I think I'd still be screaming!! Gives me the heebiejeebies just thinkin' about it! Eve

ahr8tch said...

One word: ZIPLOC Bags

OK! So that's 2 words. Sue me!


loulee1 said...


Kim said...

Shoot, Jace, don't you know that's why God gave you a tongue and teeth? There's kids starving in China, and you go and waste a nice, high protein meal!