Tuesday, May 5, 2009

I Feel So Dirty

An incident happened the other day while gassing up my truck in town. An odd incident. A weird incident... a humbling, disgraceful, wrong oh so wrong incident. It involved another woman.

Now I'm gonna have to preface this little soul bearing detour in my regular life with this. I love my wife. Sal's the best thing that ever happened to me. She loves the living crap outta me, makes me laugh, puts up with my meanderings, and basically treats me like every husband wants to be treated, but you know what?

I'm a man.

I'm at times a sloven vestige of the male gender. I eat in the living room when she's not here. I go for days at a time without shaving. I belch. Loudly. I fart with extreme exuberance and always laugh at my own farts. I take no pride in the cleanliness of my work areas... or my truck. I cuss like a sailor dropping the F bomb with regularity. I drink beer. I like cigars. I'm overweight and I have flat feet. I have hair growing in weird places now and in other places where there once was hair, I'm now... not. I scratch myself where it itches and I'll be happy to describe to anyone that asks just how "things" went in the bathroom.

It ain't pretty.

And she loves me in spite of it all.

But, because I'm a man, I still notice attractive ladies. Bear in mind, I don't act out, but I DO notice... which leads to this.

I'm pumping gas in my truck, just leaning there thinking about nothing at all, not really focused on anything when I notice a very nice looking lady, about my age, filling up her car and then filling a mower gas can. I just continued on filling my truck and got done about the same time she did. I got my receipt outta the pump and was opening the door to my truck when I saw her coming towards me. Looking right at me.

Oh my God!

Did I stare? Have I just made an ass out of myself once again? I didn't think I was staring at her. Is there going to be a confrontation. I'm avoiding eye contact and then she spoke to me.

"Hi Jace! I just wanted to tell you that mom and I really enjoyed Grease. The whole thing was wonderful and we loved the music."

Sal and I took part in the local theater production of Grease. Sally did costumes and I was in the band.

I paused. I finally looked her in the face because she obviously knew me... but it IS a small town.

In the next moment I realized that the lady that I was admiring over at pump 4 at the Casey's on Briggs Drive... was my cousin.



The only thing that would have finished this little scenario off to a "T" would have been banjo music on the cheap tinny speakers there at the pumps.



I stammered out a "thank you" and asked how her mom was doing and "it's great seeing you", got in my truck and left.


Maybe I shoulda just kept going til I hit Arkansas.





.

22 comments:

April said...

LOL!!!!!!! I am sorry but that is just too funny.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

I'll let you in on a little secret: the first boobies I saw (way back in the 8th grade), was my cousin Jamie's. She's like my third cousin, but still.

Forget Arkansas. Head for Kentucky.

rebelsrider said...

Oh, Shit! This is priceless! Sounds like you've got the disfunctional family blues.

Guenos Dias! said...

You trying to turn your family tree into a shrub, brutha?

mo.stoneskin said...

Not from Norfolk are you? (If you're not familiar with Norfolk's reputation then a quick Google should do the trick...)

Can't believe you have tinny speakers at the pumps, that would drive me mad.

Char said...

Very funny, isn't it, how we sometimes get just what we deserve. That was hilarious.

Ever since I started reading your blog, I've wondered what you are looking up at in your picture. Is it that little Alfalfa twig atop?

Stacie's Madness said...

oh my god, that is HILARIOUS...

seriously.

my side hurts.

hahaha.....

GoingLikeSixty.com said...

bwahahahaha.

(and what a perfect profile picture! for this kind of post.)

ahahahahaha.

ahr8tch said...

You're gonna hear from the Arkansans - BOTH sides of the family.

Nej said...

Doh!

Shana said...

That is funny !!


(My daughter was born is Arkansas-don't tell anyone!!)

Chaka said...

That's hilarious! The only thing worse is checking out a girl who end up being a guy once you get closer. Not that I've ever done that.

Cora said...

HA HA HA HA!!!!

Sass said...

You're my hero for admitting this.

he heeeeee.

I snorted.

TexAss said...

Okay, I'm still laughing OUT LOUD!!! That was the humor I needed today! Not just the woman/cousin story but the fact that you, as well as my husband, enjoy farts on a level I'll never understand. Good times...

Jennifer and Sandi said...

Holy cowpie, Batman!!!! That's some funny #&$)!!! Geez...what is it with you guys sharing your bathroom experiences......I've got one of those living here too. Crippled but alive.....

Snandi

Greenmare said...

totally no surprise to anyone that has come to know you though is it?

Susan said...

My husband always tells the story about the first party he went to after seperating from his ex - he was checking someone's ass out and finally got the courage to approach her and it turned out to be HIS MOTHER!! NO SHIT!

She loves that story, by the way.

Jennifer and Sandi said...

.......it's the next day and I'm STILL LAUGHING!

bwaahahahahahaha

snandi

~E said...

AHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHA!

by any chance do you live in a very small isolated area of the south?

Fancy Schmancy said...

It could have been worse, it could have been your sister or something. That would've had you driving to Mississippi or Alabama!

Fancy Schmancy said...

I'm sorry, that just reminded me of a joke and I had to share - What does a girl in Mississippi say to her lover the first time she's having sex? Daddy get off me, yer crushin my smokes.