Sunday, May 3, 2009

Things You'll Hear During A Kitchen Install

I can't begin to tell you how thrilled I am to actually have paying work in this economy period, given that bit of info I'll fill in the rest.

I am NOT a full time kitchen install dude.

Now I've done it, most likely will do it again, but everytime I've taken a job like this that falls off the course of my usual stuff... building custom furniture and furniture restoration work... something happens that nearly makes me swear off of ever doing it again. In a nutshell, I tore out an old kitchen for a client on Friday and my cohort in crime and I finished up the install yesterday (Saturday) at 10PM. My ass is dragging. I'm 50.


I think the reasons for Gary and I gettin' along so well with whatever we do, we both have strong and weak points with carpentry and we've been around one another long enough that we know who does what without saying a word.

But there ARE words. That's the other reason we get along great, at times a nearly parallel sense of humor. We pretty much reduce each other to tears several times during a day with stupid crap... and, well hell, we KNOW we're funny.

Me: You're gonna cut that hole with a recip saw??

Gary: Well, what the hell would you use oh Lord Of The Saws?

Me: Just drop the Skil saw in it and go.

Gary: I didn't bring a Skil saw.

Me: Use mine.

Gary: Yours has flames on it (it does) and I can't deal with that.

Me: *cutting the hole myself*

Upon discovering that the cabinet company had decided that my specs on the cabinets must be screwy just picked random sizes cabs and delivered 'em to the job, we tried to figure out how the heck we were gonna make it work, keep the customer happy, and not wait another 2 weeks for different cabs.

Me: I CANNOT believe they did this.

Gary: *standing there staring at the cabinets all lined up in a row in the garage*

Me: I'd like to have the cabinet guy here right now.

Gary: Me too. I'd like to break his fingers with my hammer.

Me: I'd like to overhaul him with a caulk gun.

Gary: I'd like to square up his hat.

Me: What?

Gary: I'd like to square up his hat.

Me: WTF does that mean anyhow?

Gary: I don't know. I'm just acting out.

Trying to get a screw into something solid in the wall.

Gary: Do you need me to go to town and buy more screws? Are you gonna need more?

Me: Probably, smartass. I can't find the damned stud in the wall.

Gary: Where's your studfinder?

Me: She's visiting Nicky and her Mom.

Gary: Okay, that was funny. Really, where is it?

Me: Top tray of my big box. *he hands it to me*

Me: *trying to get it to work, I'd just put a new battery in it*

Gary: Point it at me. *still doesn't work* It's really busted.

Me: *Popping the battery cover off and it just kinda falls to pieces* Crap!

Gary: Here it is. 10" off the last one.

Me: Who the hell puts a stud 10" away from the last one.

Gary: Some guy named Bud probably. All coked up on a Friday afternoon and laughing at you right now thinking about this stud.

Later in the day I'm picking up tools and hauling 'em out to the truck and trailer and Gary's sitting on the top of a step ladder hooking up an outlet for the microwave oven.

Gary: I can't see shit up here, throw the breaker on for a minute so I can see.

Me: *turning the power back on that for whatever reason has the kitchen lights on the same circuit as that microwave outlet*

Gary: Oh okay.. I see now.

Me: *starting towards the door with a load*


Me: *just stopping in my tracks 'cause I know*

Gary: )(*#*# b(*098 &^^%#@%7 *(&))_(&$#@#@%^ &6*(&6^))(&^+!!!!!!

Me: Want me to shut that power back off now?

Gary: *scraping his tongue on his front teeth* Oh please. Thank you!



mo.stoneskin said...

I love the dialogue.

Proper manly banter, there's nothing like it.

I'm not familiar with Gary's expletive, but would like to use it nonetheless.


rebelsrider said...

Would you two come to my house and work on something...ANYTHING? I just want to hang around and listen.

Jerry said...

When I saw you were doing a kitchen I just knew there was gonna be a story there.

Great story!

Shocking!! LMAO!!

I wonder how far that stud was from the one on the other side of it....... :)

Cora said...

Oh Lord of the Saws.... I like that.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

I am so envious of your saw.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

Oh No.

Ouch? Sorry dude.

Cynthia said...

What amazes me is that you can remember all of that dialogue and then get it all written down after a hard-days work. My father and brother are contractors and I don't think that much funny stuff goes on with them.

Greenmare said...

hmmmmmmmmmmmmm we've been looking for someone to help us out with our 120 year old farmhouse............ I think you and Gary are just the guys! you would probably understand that there is never going to be a straight wall or a 90 degree corner wouldn't you?
oh, and I'd make pie.

Nej said...

Kitchen installs. We've been doing one for a couple weeks and there. (shudder)

I need to hire you two to come build me an outdoor kitchen island. But only if I can watch and listen. :-)