Thursday, June 11, 2009

What I've Learned From Fast Food *or* Hey Fat Ass!

So I was driving through McDonalds today and here was my communication through the secret rattle speaker with Mr. Pimple Faced Mouth Breather on the other end of the rattle speaker inside the comfortable, greasy confines of his little perch at "the first window."

PFMB: How can I help you?

Me: Give me 2 cheeseburgers with quarter onions and a large Dr. Pepper, no ice.

Before we go on let me tell you what this all means from every angle. If you are a lover of the little standard cheeseburgers, as I am, because you can pretty much eat 'em without having to pause and taste 'em too much.. and if you like onions, but not the onion mush that they normally put on 'em... here's what you do. Tell 'em "quarter onions". What this is, is sliced onions like they put on the Quarter pounder and no other sandwich there. They are fresh onions, they taste like onions, and most importantly they are NOT onion mush.

What else does this little trick do for you, you ask? I know you're asking and if you're not, you should be because I'm a genius and stuff and just full of intelligent and insightful facts. What else this does is... you get a hot fresh cooked cheeseburger, not one that's been languishing back there under the hot hot satanic red glow lights, collecting cough spittle and fly dung and assorted other sundry items that exists in most McDonalds. They gotta make it special 'cause you're getting the GOOD onions. Score!

And furthermore, right now their large drinks are .99 cents. Screw the ice. That soft drink is ice cold right outta the fountain and you're gonna get mostly ice and not much drink... unless you pull the genius card and tell 'em "no ice". You'll thank me later for this one. 'Course if you're one of those people that actually like lots of ice, I can't help you. You're doomed.

Forget the fries. McDonalds fries are made of wax and goose farts with potato flavor seasoning. They're full of calories and leave your mouth all gummy and farty.

You get all of this tasty and not immediately lethal meal for $2.99 including tax. I like to tell 'em "keep the change" 'cause I'm a big spender.

Okay back to my conversation with PFMB...

PFMB: What? (he's obviously new)

Me: I want 2 cheeseburgers with quarter pounder onions on 'em

PFMB: You want 2 cheeseburgers and 2 quarter pounders?

Me: Noooooo I want 2 cheeseburgers with the sliced onions on 'em that you normally put on the quarter pounder burgers.

PFMB: Ohhh. Okay. Quarter onions on 2 cheeseburgers then?

Me: *sigh.....* yeah that's what I want, and a large Dr. Pepper with no ice.

PFMB: Okay. *it all comes up on the barely readable drive thru screen with a fairly fresh loogie waits to drip off the bottom edge* That'll be $2.99 at the first window. SHUUUTTTT UPPPP!!!!

Me: * I sorta stare at the rattle speaker for a bit wondering why I've just had "shut up" screamed at me, and pull up to the first window*

Now when I get up to the window, there was a car in front of me, Mr. Pimple Faced Mouth Breather is standing there, red of face, a blue shirted matronly supervisor type woman with a mustache standing beside him with her arms crossed, and a not happy look on her face.

PFMB: Sir. I'm sorry I yelled shut up when you ordered. I was yelling at a co-worker and I shouldn't have done that. I wasn't yelling at you.

Matron: *staring at him sternly, but frozen in her spot*

Me: It's okay. I kinda figured it was something like that.

PFMB: Okay, well, I'm really sorry. That'll be $2.99.

Me: Here's $3.00. Keep the change.



Employee No. 3699 said...

I order the cheese burgers plain so that they’re fresh and then ask for packets of ketchup (or catsup…why are there two spellings for this?)

The problem I’ve been having at Mickey Dees is in the morning. I usually just go inside because the drive up line is toooo long and it’ll make me late for work. Anyhoo, I go inside and all I order is the parfait; one little ole parfait. Even though there is no cooking involved and it’s in the tiny refrigerator RIGHT BEHIND the girl at the counter, she can’t grab it and put it in a bag. She stands at the register, with no one next in line, and waits for someone else to fill my order. WTF? Doesn’t she understand the phrase ‘fast’ food? Apparently it’s not part of her job description. She is a cashier, and only a cashier. A sadly, ten years from now when I stop in for my parfait fix, she’ll probably still be my cashier.

Gwen said...

Classic! Although when it happens here in the big city they really are yelling at me and they don't apologize.

It's okay. I like my burgers with a side of 'tude. Those are also made fresh.

(See what I did there? "Fresh?" Yeah.)

Sass said...

Cowguy, we have to end our friendship.

I like onion mush.

I like lots of ice.

I don't like the Quarter onions...

But...I really like you.

So I'm hoping it's all good.

Char said...

"Mr PFMB"...laughing my ass off.
Since McDs started offering their version of Starbucks, they're busier than a one armed paperhanger in the mornings. I like real onions, too, but I like Wendy's burgers.

Jerry said...

I like the double cheeseburgers.

What I've seen in the McDs around here is they have the beef cooked and in a tray and they make all the sandwiches as they are ordered rather than having them in the bin like they used to do.

No matter. I laughed out loud at this post. Great story!!! :)

Paige said...

I so do the same thing to get the hot hamburgers! But I go with no onions at all.

We are smart people

and now I want one

Cora said...

Makes you wonder what his coworker was doing to deserve the SHUUUUTTTT UPPPPP, doesn't it?

Fancy Schmancy said...

One time my PFMB started with "Yo, whassup?" by accident. When I stopped laughing I had to respond, "Not much, home slice". I made sure to flash him an "East side" hand gesture so that he wouldn't spit in my double cheeseburger.

Vicky said...

I'm ROFLOL at your first commenter. I ordered a #3 and coffee, and they tried to give me parfaits! LOL. I'm going to have to try your order technique at McD's. For two reasons - 1) to check your math because I know mine will cost more than yours and 2) so I can absolutely confirm that NO ONE at McD's can understand a word I'm saying!

Tigger said...

But...I like the goose fart wax. Far superior to the Wendy's goose fart wax which has substantially less potato flavoring added.

Does this make me a bad person? 8^)


Stacie's Madness said...


I probably would have yelled back, NO YOU SHUT UP...and then there would have been this big riot in window #1