Unless you're Heidi.
Those of y'all that read me on a regular basis know that I love dickin' around with the English language. I make up words, I invent new ones that need to be invented and purposely jack around with the definition of words because... well, because I can. And I'm good at it. Ask around.
No, not him, ask someone else.
I'm fairly well educated, I'm mostly housebroken, and I haven't had a desire to run off with anyone from Argentina in 3 or 4 years now. I can do math, I can build you a piece of furniture, I can chase a cow and catch her and yank a calf out of her womb with one hand tied behind my back. I have some musical skills and if I needed to I could most likely order my meal offa French menu without getting something tossed on my plate that looks like it's pouting or wrong side out.
I'm a dang handy guy. Honest.
Now ol' Heidi made a comment on an older blog post of mine. Heidi demonstrated to me why Heidi cannot be my friend. Ever. She has no sense of humor, and the irony of what landed her on my blog is the thing that she Googled. You're dieing to know what is ain't you?
"Starbutts"
Yes, Starbutts. Go ahead and GIS it, Sawdust And Cowpies is nationwide on that trigger. (Don't click this one at work but... just yikes.) You know if someone had gone to the humorous effort to do a GIS for that word, you'd think that there was maybe a mouse nuts worth of comedy coursing thru the veins of the human bean that types that into Google Image Search, and eagerly gleans the results of their endeavor.
Not Heidi.
Heidi is a dickweed. She even hides her little stupid Blogger profile... but not her calling card from the big ol Wide Wide World of the internets. Wanna see the straight poop on Frau Heidi? Of course you do! Click the pics if you wanna see 'em life size and stuff.
Cool huh? I figured she'd probably wanna go back and pull her comment so for your entertainment and mine, I did myself a lil' ol' screenshot of it too!
I'm like a genius only more handsome and fun to hang out with... and not just because I can out belch you. Lookie!
Heidi you ignorant slut... eat my shorts. Please.
The original post was about some Starbucks slop in a can that I'd bought that made me wanna bury my poop, your poop and my cat's poop. (I can't explain what that sentence means but I just made myself laugh typing it... so I'm leaving it.) and Heidi, the common street tramp, seems to think that I don't know the difference between bat dungage and Guarana. Praise the Lord that Heidi is able to access Wiki so she can know her facts before she shows her butt to the whole world of S & C readers.
Now I know you folks have a higher brow sense of humor than Heidi, the grade school tattle tail, and know that you understand the humor in purposely mixing up the words "guano" and "guarana". I appreciate that in y'all. I hate explaining a joke. I've killed 3 people and maimed 7 others just because of having to do that. (No I haven't but I did dose 1 boob's TP with hot sauce because of it.) (That'll make you ride the big wheel looking for the wet grass like a Chihuahua with worms).
Heidi, this is to you directly. I know it's gonna be difficult for you to comprehend what I'm gonna say without colored pictures depicting it...
Bite my fart.
.
28 comments:
I think Heidi is a c**t and I think she now understands where you stand...some people have no sense of humor
Glad my name ain't Heidi. Obviously Heidi needs to get a real life.
No matter- you ARE funny for what it is worth. You have made me laugh on days I didn't feel like it and so I am simply going to say thanks and keep on doing what your doing, cause it is working!!
Heidi.........
Just in case you ever find your way here again ( and I'd wear A bullet proof vest there, sweets, I'm just saying..... because I don't know about everyone else.... But I hate you.... and I mean that..... )
okay, where was I???
oh, yes......
Heidi.........
There are pills for people like you..... do the world a favor.... run..... do not walk, to your nearest pharmacy............
Cowguy........
you're funny.....
You're brilliant.....
you're an inspiration to fledgling writer's everywhere....
Did I already mention this???
nuff, said......
( getting out of here before Heidi sicks the Grammer police on me....)
When I saw her comment pop up (Yes, I most always click that little [] so it emails me other folks's comments, I thought, "Who put the cob up her ass?"
And I was really glad she didn't see the Segway post.
*STANDING OVATION*
Cowguy, you're my hero. I mean it! Bravo, sir!
So Heidi Pratt is blogging now, huh? Thanks for the warning. I'll go dumb down all my jokes too just in case the bimbo stops by.
I think that "Bite my fart" sums you and your way with words up nicely.
I'm still giggling and probably will giggle again every time I think about it and toss it into conversation.
Poor Heidi. Wound so tight she can't even see humor. I feel bad for her. And for the broomstick that's wedged in her ass.
I've had enough wine tonight that bitin' farts sounds like some good ol' downhome fun.
Chomp chomp.
Oh, and Heidi...You look like the north end of a horse headin' south.
That's all I have to say about that.
ROFLOL ....... you didn't put the snort warning at the top of this post - again! Oh, and that last line? May I quote you on that? xo
Hey Heidi, you stupid slut, guess what. Go on, guess. "Guano" and "guarana" originate from the same family of languages. There's even some indication that "guano" and "guarana" come from the same root, as the plant AND the words from which we derive "guano" (Incan from "huano" which came from "wanu") and "guarana" (Amazonian tribes in Brazil "warana", their name for the plant). In fact, you could even argue that, given the high price both tribes put on these respective commodities, that they were traded at some point, so you would use "wanu" to grow "warana".
Bite my shiny metal ass, Heidi, you self-important, small-minded dolt.
I guess you realize that Heidi will never see this post. She's one of those hit and run people who leave comments everywhere, knowing she just made the world a better place.
Copy it. Go to her blog and leave it as a comment. Please??????
Dare ya!
Honey, thanx for defending my ability to read. Poor poor heidi probably doesn't even know what she's been hit with.
You bring out the best in folks tho. I've never seen the word a$$ used so consistently in one list of comments before. You're definitely the Hero de Jour. (I know, I know... you're proud of my French....)
xoxo
Wow, and here I thought all you'd do is post a screen shot and tell her to goto hell...
Whew...
Remind me to never, ever under any circumstances to piss you off. lol
I just love everything about this post, well, except for that link you taunted me with by saying it wasn't safe for work...
My eyes, my eyes!
You shall receive my bill for the years of therapy that I will most certainly need.
*Gasp* HELL FIRE! She's mean! That explains it...another Biatch from Callyfornia! Don't get me wrong. I lived there for 7 years. Some of those girls can be.... well you know!
We don't need no stink'n no humor blogger's anyway!
You Rock! Love your goofy words.
HAPPY FRIDAY EVE!
- Jennifer
Oh Heidi, bless your heart.
I agree with WowsRose -- I never want to be on your bad side!
LOL@BusyBee lol
dang, today must be my lucky day!
clicked on your blog and was floored with each post i read.
the 300th was filled with things i could relate to.
the nam video touched my heart.
gotta love a man who loves his kids that much.
needless to say you hooked me!
"Remind me to never, ever under any circumstances to piss you off."
Um, yup. :)
It's just depressing when someone takes something fun and pisses on it. Good for you for standing up.
Ahem, Heidi....got any questions?
Bite my fart is now my new favorite thing to say.
Are people really that stupid? Did she really think she was going to get away with saying "teach your wife to read"? Really?
I am almost at a loss for words.
how can a person have zero sense of humor? I dont get that. and, if you have zero sense of humor, why are you reading a humor blog? or, you know, interacting with the general public in any way.
Hah! Cowguy strikes again, love it.
Explaining a joke is the worst, makes you question the intelligence of people you hang out with.
Heidi should have her computer confiscated by the stupidity police.
Poor Heidi. We should pity her. She was born with no sense of humor. And with her head up her ass. Poor Heidi.
rolling on the floor half dead with laughter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ahhhh ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Heidi needs to go back to her mountain. Where there is no Internet access. Just Yodeling. And biting farts.
Of mountain goats.
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