Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Just Pondering

My friend Gary drives a truck for a living. Once or twice a week I get a call from him on the road and the conversation starts like this. "Hey, I've been pondering and...." and then he'll go into some subject like TV antennas or gas mileage or frog farming (yeah, once he pondered about frog farming) and it's always an interesting conversation. Sometimes it's pretty weird, but that's cool.

Anyway Sal and I were in Sam's Club yesterday and I got to pondering myself. Now looking around in the store you can see folks that obviously are running a business and are there buying food supplies or cleaning supplies, etc. You can tell by looking at their cart... and I'm a genius and stuff, so I can surmise this without much brain strangulation. But the rest of these people, like Sal and I... we're just wandering around buying huge quantities of merchandise and food that we normally wouldn't buy because.... because why?

I don't know.

I pondered upon the fact that we came home with something like 73 pounds of butter, a double tube package of Preparation H (seriously...wtf?) 5 pounds of grapes, a package of AA batteries so humongous Sally had to get me to put it in the cart, and a 75 pound bag of dog food for our 2, 12 pound cockapoos.

I don't know.

I pondered on the man wandering around the store in the too short cutoff jeans. Looked to be about 70, knee brace, cane, full beard, dirty cap that just said "RETIRED"... followed by his wife pushing the cart with nothing in it but 4 ginormous bottles of cheap whiskey. I told Sally I just found D.B. Cooper and it looks like he's hit hard times. And then I pondered on why he was here. In Sam's Club. Buying whiskey.

I don't know.

I watched the Asian man going to the checkout with nothing else in his cart except prepackaged blueberry bran muffins. About 15 packages of 25. I pondered why a man would need that many blueberry bran muffins, or ANY kind of muffins in that quantity. Was he feeding a bunch of kids with sympathetic constipation problems? Was he hoarding them for some unknown blueberry bran muffin famine that I was oblivious to? Why?

I don't know.

I pondered, as we walked out of the store... what if the old guy that counts the crap in your basket and then makes the pink mark on your receipt... what if he doesn't like what he sees? Would he radio in for support? Would he blow a whistle? Would I make a break for it? Would there be handcuffs involved. What happens if all that looking around at my stuff in my basket and pink marker business didn't coincide with what the old guy is pondering. I'm just guessing you'd go to jail. And that right there is most likely reason enough to carry a gun when you're shopping in Sam's Club.

I might be wrong on that one. I don't know...

And while I'm pondering (this has nothing to do with Sam's Club) where the hell did the term "Royal Dipshit" come from? Sentence form: "Good grief... that guy is a royal dipshit."

I may need my friend iNDefatigable mjenks to help me out with this one. Jenks is a genius with Latin and it's obvious to me (and should be to you as well. :-) ) that royal dipshit has Latin roots.

I don't know.











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20 comments:

Nej said...

Sam's...I swear they pump some drug into the building's HVAC system. An aerosol drug that causes a shopping addiction. Need a pound of butter...why not by 17 pounds???

I think it's possible. I mean, have you seen the "restless leg syndrome" drug commercial? At the end of this commercial, the announcer says (really fast like) that their drug could cause an addiction to gambling.

Anything is possible. :-)

DK @ Knucklehead! said...

A "royal dipshit" is your run-of-the-mill dipshit who has advanced to a higher level of esteem due to egregious acts of dipshittiness.

Examples? Sure.

Michael Jackson wearing one glove = dipshit

Michael Jackson swaddling his kid in a blanket and dangling him from a balcony = royal dipshit

Kenny G recording Songbird = dipshit

Kenny G overdubbing himself over a Louis Armstrong recording (I'm not kidding) = royal dipshit

JenJen said...

MJenks is everyone's favorite translator!

I have to go now; I got a tip there's going to be a global blueberry shortage. Must.Stock.Up.

Char said...

Lotta laughs in this one, Jace.
LOL on DK's comment, too. Thanks for the humor, guys.

Greenmare said...

I am totally pondering that sheep chair.

Sassy Britches said...

So next time I'm at Sam's Club, and I see a grinning man with a white goatee, funny sunglasses, and a straw hat, I won't have to ponder what he's thinking about...is that what you're saying? Because he'll be pondering 900 lb. bucket of peanut butter, four cases of Right Guard, and the twelve plastic tubs of Super Bubble, right?

Sass said...

"Anyway Sal and I were in Sam's Club yesterday and I got to pondering myself."

Cowguy, I'm an authority on a few things, and I'm pretty sure pondering yourself in public is illegal in at least 38 states.

;)

Scope said...

I tend to wonder wonder wonder, who...

who wrote the book of love?

Cowguy said...

Nej... There's seriously a commercial that lists gambling as a side effect? For real? That is comedy gold right there.

DK... You're a freakin' dictionary of cuss slang!

Char... Oh you....

Greenmare... Would you be comfortable sitting in that thing? In a dark room? By yourself? Suddenly you hear "Baaaaaa".

Sassy B... No kidding. For real. Have you seen the giant tubs of peanut butter they have in there? It's HUGE.

Sass... I didn't think anyone would see me, I was leaning discretely in the bacon case.

Scope... you poor boy, you're just crazy in love.

Nej said...

Seriously!! Thanks goodness for DVR, I kept playing it for anyone that came to the house. It was hilarious!!! I don't remember which drug, but I do remember it was for restless legs. In the list of side effects, addiction to gambling was one of them. Comedy gold is right!! :-)

Carl Vine said...

You caught me. Yes, I am D.B. Cooper, though I take exception with your characterization of me.

When referring to my cutoff jeans, "too short" is a matter of opinion. The knee brace and cane are, of course, necessary as a result of a one-legged landing. The whiskey helps ease the pain but "cheap" is a relative term in Missouri.

I guess I'd better have Yolanda load the microbus. Time to be movin' on.

Alycia said...

All I can think of is - I have 3 boys and a bucketload of their friends.......

Remind me not to volunteer to work cows with you all, sounds a little dangerous (grin)

Errant said...

http://moezmasoud.com/en/articles/articles50.html

Oh My Goddess said...

Um, I don't know either.

You got me there man.

Sass said...

Hey cowguy...

My mom doesn't have a google account, but wanted me to pass along this comment...

She wants to know why you didn't speak in Sam's Club, she'd have been happy to have you over for a shot of that whiskey.

My mom's a goof.

;)

Cowguy said...

Sass... Tell your mama if I'd known it was her, we'd have partied right there in Sam's. BTW, your dad looks rough...

;-)

Cora said...

See, I can't do bulk shopping. My house is too small to store it all and if I know there are 50 Twinkies in the house, they're sure to start calling my name. I'm like Winnie The Pooh with the honey pots!!

Jerry said...

Now Anne wants a Sam's Club membership. Huh?

The Retired One said...

I do that alot in grocery stores too..I secretly steal a few glances into other's carts..it is very interesting to see what people buy to eat!!!
I once saw a realllly old guy buy sanitary napkins...a HUGE box of them.
No women in sight.
I was afraid to ponder on THAT one....

Your post cracked me up.
Oh, and it reminded me next time to bring a big plastic bag to cover up my shopping cart from all you perverts who will be watching from now on because now you got us pondering...
inquiring minds wanna know....

~E said...

I was at Sam's club today and saw a tiny little Asian lady who looked to be close to "the change" with 3 Super Value boxes of tampons in her cart. I named her "denial".