Thursday, September 24, 2009

Things Heard In A Cattle Barn

We worked about 90 head of calves today and pregnancy tested about 10 cows. "Working"? That's a round of vaccinations, castrating bulls, worming etc. Basically all the stuff that makes them marketable so you wanna see 'em on your dinner table and on your grill. I'll do the icky part, you do the eatin' part. Okay? Okay.

During the course of a day things get said that you normally don't hear in everyday life, and some things that just make you laugh.. because. This post is things that I heard today with 5 of us, including the vet and his assistant.

"Watch 'em run back 100 feet from the gate. I don't need the exercise."

"What's wrong with number 30?"
"She's got issues, try to ignore her. She embarrasses easily."

"Could it get any f'in wetter out here?"
*Rain immediately starts coming down harder*

"Wish I'd brought a spoon."
"Wish I'd brought a spoon. It's chilly today and I like chili."

"I really need a bucket of corn up at that end."
"Doesn't everyone?"
"Normally.. no."

"Why the hell do we have to push this thing back every freakin' time?" *everyone shrugs*

"I don't think I've seen cow shit squirt quite that far before."
"Distance was definitely a 10, but I give her a 6 for performance."
*golf clap*

"If that one's open, I'm eating her."
"She's 1st period pregnant."
"I'll just eat chicken."

"Where's that smoke coming from?"
"That cow's hoof."
"Holy crap!"

"Remember that Amish guy's cow that caught on fire?"
"Yeah, he put it out with his hat."
"I've never seen that happen."
"Not many have."

"Jace, you want me to come and save you?"
"Say that with a smile."
"Goatfarmer with a smile."
"Kiss my ass."

"You sellin' that one?"
"I ain't taking her home to meet my mother with an ugly set of tits like that."
(her udder had gone south as we say in the cow business) *crude laughter*

"You got a glob of shit on your hat."
"I know."

"That one got horns?"

"Whoa WHOA WHOA!! Grab that gate!! Grab.... never mind."

"Nice cow stick."
"Thanks, I made it myself."

"How come the stop pipe is always on the other side of the chute?"
"How come you're on that side of the chute?"
"Good question..."

"One more remark about those 6 Holstein calves and I'll be asking for a discount."

"Remember that time I saved your life?"
"I remember the time you pushed me in front of that killer cow. That's what I
"Your memory sucks. It really does. Your mom made me a pie for saving your life. Your sister wanted to marry me"
"I don't have a sister, dumbass."
"Oh... that musta been your wife."

"I'm going home."
"Me too."



Lone Star Queen said...

That was incredibly funny. I laughed out LOUD!

Sass said...

If it weren't for the smell of cow shit, I'd sure like to be a fly on the wall.

I think this comment has gone wrong.

And yet...I'm leaving it.

Char said...

What's that smell? Must be bullshit, its flying everywhere. Very funny, Jace. Thanks.

Happy Hour...Somewhere said...

I didn't know you got scored on shooting the shit...and only a 6 for performance. *sigh* Thank you for doing the icky part. My carnivore side thanks you.

SkylersDad said...

That is excellent!

Jennifer and Sandi said...

Your sister wanted to marry me"
"I don't have a sister, dumbass."


Did you guys accomplish ANYTHING yesterday? AND you forgot to take out the garbage!

- Jennifer

JenJen said...

It totally smells funny if it's smoking up from your boot.

Jerry said...

Just about put us right there with you, Cowguy! :)

Greenmare said...

for someone who gets the senior discount it sounds like you can move your a$$ when you need to!
I totally cannot believe I am on facebook. but you! look at you! like hundreds of "friends"!!!

Ikle.Kaiy said...

wow hehehe smone managed to get me smilin afterthe madness today....... my cheeks still hurt from 5 hours of constant smiling... its what i get for saying i would help with a lunch rush and wedding reception at short notice at a pub completly different to the one i usualy work in. *ah well more dosh(money) in the tin * hahaha. some funny and mad stuff in the day of the life of a cattle farm.

The Retired One said...

I love the sick humor of the group!
Reminds me of back in nursing school...

Chaka said...

I'm glad you deal with the dirty side of this. I have a feeling if I had to watch all the work involved with cows, I would not enjoy my barbecue nearly as much. Thanks.

~E said...

Even though the closest I've ever come to a real life cow was standing in line at the Tillamook Cheese Factory waiting for samples...(that and watching Mike Rowe on Dirty Jobs do the herding thing), I found all of these to be delightfully funny.

Thank you for giving me my giggles for the evening.

*golf clap*

Candy's daily Dandy said...

Oh my goodness...

the killer cow chronicles. Could be a best sella? No?

Oh My Goddess said...

You're right, I'm stickin to the eatin part.

Michael in AZ said...

Still laughing......