Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Oh Chigger

I went to the woods Sunday morning, knocked around some, cut a load of firewood, forgot to spray down with insect repellent... I am ate up. I've got chigger bites all over my "area", down my legs, on my belly, on my ass... and a few on my arms.

I started wondering what the heck a chigger looks like, I'd never seen one to know what the heck it was. Here's one. It's that little bitty red dot at the end of the fingernail in this pic. (that ain't my pic... I stoled it offa the internets) Click it if'n you wanna see it bigger!







Here's a magnified pic of one all blowed up and stuff.








Heebie Geebies eh? Gah.



Because I'd also been in poison Ivy, I came right home, hopped in the scalding hot shower, scrubbed like a meth addict picking at a sore... and I still got ate up. At least I didn't get poison.

Anyhow I wanna recite y'all a little poem.


Oh Chigger
By Cowguy


Oh chigger, you cause me grief,
I found you in the woods, perched upon a leaf.
You jumped onto me and went down in my pants,
Now all I do is scratch... and adjust my stance.

You bit me upon my skin pore,
You're worthless and disgusting, you dirty little whore.
You chomped for a second without rebuke...
You heaved your little chigger gut until you up and puked.

I think my life might have been perfect and bigger,
If it had'nt been for you, you little jackass, you chigger.
My man area itches like something's alive,
I hope you're dead, that you didn't survive.

Oh chigger,
Oh chigger.
Oh chigger,
You suck.




Thank you.







.

21 comments:

Char said...

Oh Cowguy, you are so damn funny. And you're right, there's nothing itches like a chigger.

When I was a kid, we'd go blackberry picking and I'd end up with chigger bites all around my waistband. (I don't remember getting them where you did, though)

We always put clear fingernail polish on them. Supposedly that 'smothers' the the little critters?? Happy scratching!

mrscravitz said...

Hey when you blow up the photo with the fingernail in it, it looks like a horse hoof! Cool! Not so cool about the chigger bites. I don't think I have ever had one or any, but they sound totally unpleasant!

Em said...

Char beat me to it, but YES - clear nailpolish works like a charm!!!

Or red, or hot pink, take your pick depending upon your mood...

ahr8tch said...

That little ode made me laugh . . .
but then, I didn't get the chiggers!

I don't know how far you live from a drugstore; but if just can't stand putting fingernail polish on your man parts, they do make a product that takes the fire out of chigger bites.

Oh, and in case you didn't know, when I was about 12 or 13 I got chiggers so bad that both my young man parts - the oval ones - swelled to about 3 times their size. I couldn't stand without spreading my legs.

Two words: crushed ice.

Kathlene said...

Ha, too funny, I use to live in Missouri. I know what you mean about chiggers. I know what it feels like to set them on fire with gas and put it out with an ice pick.

Boy is it ruff on that "area". LOL

Forget the nail polish BS. It don't work because the chigger is gone before you can put it on. Get on over to chigger bite treatment and get their stuff.

It saved my life, my hubby's life and my baby's life. Nothing is worse than watching your youngan itch and you cannot do anything for them.

Hope this help. Your little is really cool to. ;)

Kathlene

Venom said...

Cowguy - awesome poem Dude! If you write another verse try to fit the word 'frigger' in there, okay? ;-)

Jerry said...

I swoon beneath your penned passion, you poetic pontificator.

CHIGGERS RULE! Oops, I mean CHIGGERS ARE CRUEL!

Now get some medicine and quit playing with yourself. People are talking.

Scope said...

You can't go throwing that word around! This is 2009 and it's very disrespectful and hurtful.

Oh, CHIGGER?

Never mind then. As you were.

Cora said...

Criminy! I've never heard of a Chigger before.

*cough citygirl cough*

Egad! Thanks for giving me one more reason to hate nature, Cowguy.

*shudder*

mckie2 said...

I know of which you speak as I have chiggers in my yard and get bit regularly. Fortunately they've not come near my 'area' yet. Putting bug spray on first never seems to help me. Don't worry - they'll stop itching in about a week.

I found some new stuff called BiteMD by Cutter that helps a little. I got it at The Wal-marts.

Nail polish is no help. ChiggeRX is no help. I think once you get bit you just have to wait it out.

Lucia said...

So that's a chigger! Or what makes me itch in the garden! Never heard of them but yes I've seen those red dotted thingys on me...gosh darnett I never knew!

Jennifer and Sandi said...

Chigger remedy....."stay outta of da woods!"

Hope that helps!

- Jennifer

Ann said...

Wonderful poem. It brings back memories of my childhood in Missouri. Luckily(?), Minnesota must be too cold for them.

La Pixie said...

ick!!

Ive heard of chiggers. I am sooooo glad that Arizona it too hot for them. cause... ew.

JenJen said...

Lordy I'm laughing aloud and my husband thinks it is the result of his jokes.
Phewey.
By the way I'm glad you announced that nail wasn't yours, else I'd tell you to cut that sucker.

The Retired One said...

You cracked me up with your last line.
"you suck". bwahahahaaaaaaaa.......

Greenmare said...

I think I know what the next title album for you will be........... Chigger, OH Chigger

Susan said...

**snap** **snap** **snap**

beautiful, man...beautiful

8^)

Nej said...

(snaps)

vinic said...

Reminded me of this classic tune:
Bawn in the Mash - Chiggers on My

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