Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Just Pondering

My friend Gary drives a truck for a living. Once or twice a week I get a call from him on the road and the conversation starts like this. "Hey, I've been pondering and...." and then he'll go into some subject like TV antennas or gas mileage or frog farming (yeah, once he pondered about frog farming) and it's always an interesting conversation. Sometimes it's pretty weird, but that's cool.

Anyway Sal and I were in Sam's Club yesterday and I got to pondering myself. Now looking around in the store you can see folks that obviously are running a business and are there buying food supplies or cleaning supplies, etc. You can tell by looking at their cart... and I'm a genius and stuff, so I can surmise this without much brain strangulation. But the rest of these people, like Sal and I... we're just wandering around buying huge quantities of merchandise and food that we normally wouldn't buy because.... because why?

I don't know.

I pondered upon the fact that we came home with something like 73 pounds of butter, a double tube package of Preparation H (seriously...wtf?) 5 pounds of grapes, a package of AA batteries so humongous Sally had to get me to put it in the cart, and a 75 pound bag of dog food for our 2, 12 pound cockapoos.

I don't know.

I pondered on the man wandering around the store in the too short cutoff jeans. Looked to be about 70, knee brace, cane, full beard, dirty cap that just said "RETIRED"... followed by his wife pushing the cart with nothing in it but 4 ginormous bottles of cheap whiskey. I told Sally I just found D.B. Cooper and it looks like he's hit hard times. And then I pondered on why he was here. In Sam's Club. Buying whiskey.

I don't know.

I watched the Asian man going to the checkout with nothing else in his cart except prepackaged blueberry bran muffins. About 15 packages of 25. I pondered why a man would need that many blueberry bran muffins, or ANY kind of muffins in that quantity. Was he feeding a bunch of kids with sympathetic constipation problems? Was he hoarding them for some unknown blueberry bran muffin famine that I was oblivious to? Why?

I don't know.

I pondered, as we walked out of the store... what if the old guy that counts the crap in your basket and then makes the pink mark on your receipt... what if he doesn't like what he sees? Would he radio in for support? Would he blow a whistle? Would I make a break for it? Would there be handcuffs involved. What happens if all that looking around at my stuff in my basket and pink marker business didn't coincide with what the old guy is pondering. I'm just guessing you'd go to jail. And that right there is most likely reason enough to carry a gun when you're shopping in Sam's Club.

I might be wrong on that one. I don't know...

And while I'm pondering (this has nothing to do with Sam's Club) where the hell did the term "Royal Dipshit" come from? Sentence form: "Good grief... that guy is a royal dipshit."

I may need my friend iNDefatigable mjenks to help me out with this one. Jenks is a genius with Latin and it's obvious to me (and should be to you as well. :-) ) that royal dipshit has Latin roots.

I don't know.


Thursday, September 24, 2009

Things Heard In A Cattle Barn

We worked about 90 head of calves today and pregnancy tested about 10 cows. "Working"? That's a round of vaccinations, castrating bulls, worming etc. Basically all the stuff that makes them marketable so you wanna see 'em on your dinner table and on your grill. I'll do the icky part, you do the eatin' part. Okay? Okay.

During the course of a day things get said that you normally don't hear in everyday life, and some things that just make you laugh.. because. This post is things that I heard today with 5 of us, including the vet and his assistant.

"Watch 'em run back 100 feet from the gate. I don't need the exercise."

"What's wrong with number 30?"
"She's got issues, try to ignore her. She embarrasses easily."

"Could it get any f'in wetter out here?"
*Rain immediately starts coming down harder*

"Wish I'd brought a spoon."
"Wish I'd brought a spoon. It's chilly today and I like chili."

"I really need a bucket of corn up at that end."
"Doesn't everyone?"
"Normally.. no."

"Why the hell do we have to push this thing back every freakin' time?" *everyone shrugs*

"I don't think I've seen cow shit squirt quite that far before."
"Distance was definitely a 10, but I give her a 6 for performance."
*golf clap*

"If that one's open, I'm eating her."
"She's 1st period pregnant."
"I'll just eat chicken."

"Where's that smoke coming from?"
"That cow's hoof."
"Holy crap!"

"Remember that Amish guy's cow that caught on fire?"
"Yeah, he put it out with his hat."
"I've never seen that happen."
"Not many have."

"Jace, you want me to come and save you?"
"Say that with a smile."
"Goatfarmer with a smile."
"Kiss my ass."

"You sellin' that one?"
"I ain't taking her home to meet my mother with an ugly set of tits like that."
(her udder had gone south as we say in the cow business) *crude laughter*

"You got a glob of shit on your hat."
"I know."

"That one got horns?"

"Whoa WHOA WHOA!! Grab that gate!! Grab.... never mind."

"Nice cow stick."
"Thanks, I made it myself."

"How come the stop pipe is always on the other side of the chute?"
"How come you're on that side of the chute?"
"Good question..."

"One more remark about those 6 Holstein calves and I'll be asking for a discount."

"Remember that time I saved your life?"
"I remember the time you pushed me in front of that killer cow. That's what I
"Your memory sucks. It really does. Your mom made me a pie for saving your life. Your sister wanted to marry me"
"I don't have a sister, dumbass."
"Oh... that musta been your wife."

"I'm going home."
"Me too."


Tuesday, September 22, 2009

It Was Bound To Happen... Now What?

So I went into town today, had to deliver some furniture and run some errands, one of which was a quick trip into our grocery store. Got my stuff and was checking out, the clerk "Teresa" stood there looking at me. I stood there with my bankcard in my hand ready to swipe it. Teresa looked at me some more. I looked at Teresa. I looked at the cash register. Teresa continued looking at me.

So I'm kinda used to people looking at me around town... and not that I'm some sort of big high falootin' celebrity or something, but lots of people watch my woodworking show on TV, others know me from the band, Keota... and according to Sal, all the rest I'm either related to or know personally. I get looked at. So back to my story now that I've beat that in the ground like a tent stake.

Finally Teresa leans across the counter very close to my face and says something...

Me... What?

Teresa... *weakly* Senior discount?

Me... *jaw dropped* Excuse me?

Teresa... I'm just looking at you, you look to be about my age. Do you want a senior discount?

Me... Get out of here!

Teresa... If you're 50 you get a discount.

Me... *still incredulous* No shit?

Teresa... Really.

Me... Heck yeah! Gimme my dang discount! Is it like 50% or something good like that?

Teresa... *poking a key on the register* Let's see.

I'd bought some carrots, celery, cereal, basically "C" food with some potatoes and onions too.

Teresa... Ha! It took 60 cents off your total.

Me... You need a raise. Actually I don't know whether to kiss you or smack you one. Wanna know something?

Teresa... *giggling like a psychopath* What?

Me... C'mere. *she leans in* You just got my senior citizen discount virginity. How was it?

We're both laughing, but she's cryin and leaning with both hands holding her up on the side of the counter.

I started out of the store, stopped and turned and said "You be a good girl now" and she completely came unhinged again and her customer was just staring at the both of us.

I walked out in the parking lot and called Sal.

Me... Honey, good news.

Sal... What now?

She's sorta used to these odd little phone calls while I'm in town. Usually she's not impressed with what I think are awesome little revelations or relating to her things that I saw in town.

Me... I just got a senior discount at Prengers.

Sal... You're kidding.

Me... I'm serious as the day is long. Senior discount.

Sal... Okay, then, how come "I" never get a senior discount in there? I'm older than you!

Me... I don't know. You'll have to take that up with Teresa.

Sal... Who's Teresa?

And so it went. Then I got home, made a post on facebook about my new senior citizen discount status, that thread has turned into a freakin' novel. My friends and family seem to think I need to just go ahead and get my casket built cause it's just a matter of a few short minutes now and I'll be needing it.

Oh well.

Take me with you when you're shopping. I'll save you some money.


Friday, September 18, 2009


Me. Sal. Mini weekend vacation.

We are thrilled silly. A long weekend of nothing but playing music up in the land of the Iowegens. If you are in the Bloomfield neighborhood... stop by the place with 500 campers sitting in it. :-)


Thursday, September 17, 2009

Life Is Short...

Just advice today, that's all.

Never miss a chance to let the people in your life know what they mean to you. A life comes, a breeze blows, and before you can turn around... they're gone.

Although as lives sometimes do, we'd drifted away slightly... it never erased the spark in our eyes when we ran into one another, both remembering years past with a sly grin. Traveling together, hunting, shooting and just hanging out.

We had some times man. I miss you already Scott.


Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Oh Chigger

I went to the woods Sunday morning, knocked around some, cut a load of firewood, forgot to spray down with insect repellent... I am ate up. I've got chigger bites all over my "area", down my legs, on my belly, on my ass... and a few on my arms.

I started wondering what the heck a chigger looks like, I'd never seen one to know what the heck it was. Here's one. It's that little bitty red dot at the end of the fingernail in this pic. (that ain't my pic... I stoled it offa the internets) Click it if'n you wanna see it bigger!

Here's a magnified pic of one all blowed up and stuff.

Heebie Geebies eh? Gah.

Because I'd also been in poison Ivy, I came right home, hopped in the scalding hot shower, scrubbed like a meth addict picking at a sore... and I still got ate up. At least I didn't get poison.

Anyhow I wanna recite y'all a little poem.

Oh Chigger
By Cowguy

Oh chigger, you cause me grief,
I found you in the woods, perched upon a leaf.
You jumped onto me and went down in my pants,
Now all I do is scratch... and adjust my stance.

You bit me upon my skin pore,
You're worthless and disgusting, you dirty little whore.
You chomped for a second without rebuke...
You heaved your little chigger gut until you up and puked.

I think my life might have been perfect and bigger,
If it had'nt been for you, you little jackass, you chigger.
My man area itches like something's alive,
I hope you're dead, that you didn't survive.

Oh chigger,
Oh chigger.
Oh chigger,
You suck.

Thank you.


Monday, September 14, 2009

I'm Almost Back

Just taking a bit of a break from the blog. Sal and I have been SUPER busy this summer, going in a dozen different directions at once. The door to our home has been spinning for the past 2 months, but it's starting to wind down... I think. :-) I apologize for leaving my regular readers hanging for over a week. I'll bring you the funny shortly!


Saturday, September 5, 2009

It's Labor Day Weekend Y'all

You know the rules of no wearing of the white after Labor Day... so how much more perfect could the timing be to take up BBQ sauce artisting. And what better timing for me to post a video and take the cheap way out of a blog post.

Seriously though... I was entertained like crazy by this video.

I'm Jace. I'm a redneck.

Here's the link if the embedding doesn't work for you.

So long summer! Buh bye!


Friday, September 4, 2009

Things Heard In A Hayfield.

E pulled into the hayfield I was mowing in a couple of evenings ago and stopped me.

E. "You probably wanna stop mowing."

Me. "Why's that?"

E. "Balers broke again"

Me. "What happened this time?"

E. "Computer went wacky and was throwing error codes"

Me. "What'd the screen say?" *like I could do anything about it*

E. "WHOA MOTHER*****R!!!"

Me. "I'm going home..."

E. "Me too"


Thursday, September 3, 2009

This Is What You Need To Read Today...

My lil' buddy Sass is moving on to professional writing, this last post... you need to read it. Skills abound.

Later Kid.