Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Starbucks Doubleshot Energy Drink.... A Review.

In case you've missed this in the past, I'm not the guy that fell into the whole Starbucks spell. I'm the one that you see standing in the back of the store just watching everyone else and wishing that I had a regular ol' .79 cent cup of coffee.

Now bear in mind there ain't a Starbucks within probably 50 or 60 miles of me, so it's not a place that I could frequent even if I were inclined to do so. When I HAVE entered a Starbucks with the main purpose of actually buying a coffee type drink, I reduce the whole thing to a scenario. A scenario in which I have attained the mouth breather, pimple faced expression of a 17 year old boy watching his prom date come down the stairs and realizing that I have no idea just what the hell I'm gonna do with the rest of my evening after the first 10 minutes alone with her out in my mom's Oldsmobile Delta 88.


So when I spied this stuff at the grocery store I chucked a few cans of it in the cart in a couple of different flavors. I kinda like foo foo coffee drink stuff like this and figured it couldn't be easier for me. I don't hafta order up nothing, I get energized, I get a foo foo coffee drink... all will be very very good.

So I put 'em in the fridge and a couple days later Sal and I were taking off in the car and I grabbed us a couple. A mocha and a vanilla.

Friends. This stuff is poison.

It is the worst. No, it's the worstest.

It couldn't be worser.

If this drink were manna the Israelites would have kept on trekking until they came across a Wendy's. They would have died right there if this was all they had.

The putiditry of this stuff is topped only by the fungus that grows under a camel's tail in the rainy season.

I took a drink, kinda swooshed it around in my mouth a little... did a hard swallow and looked over at Sal as she swallowed and was trying to read the fine print on the can.

Sal "It says it has guano in it. Isn't that bat crap?"

Me "Yes."

Sal *rubbing her teeth with her finger*

Me "It has an interesting aftertaste of cigarettes. No. No... An ashtray rinsed around with coffee. Hmmmmm"

Sal "Stop the car, I want to pour this out right now. I want it out of the car."

I pull over and Sal flings open her door and starts pouring it out.

Sal "It's orange. It's like orange diarrhea."

Me "More like orangutan orange."

Sal "Orangutan diarrhea."

Me "Quite."

Here, I poured some out on a board that I didn't need anymore, so it didn't matter if I ruined it.

Wait... there really isn't the contrast for you to see the actual color. Here's another pic. This time I put a handy wadded up piece of toilet paper on the board. I think you can really see the true color of it compared to the white TP.

Ending my review. I would rather drink battery acid filtered through sludge from the bottom of Lake Erie, and then strained through a dirty pair Roseanne Barr's pantyhose and finally garnished with a slice of fresh lemon... than to drink this crap again.

This food review thing is pretty easy so far.



Scope said...

But what did you REALLY think? Don't just suck up to "the MAN".

Would you use the word "crapp-uccino" to describe it?

Chaka said...

You kill me. You just happened to use two of the funniest phrases in comedy in your post: mouth breather and orange diarrhea.

Anonymous said...

Intereting//I been usin a peice of Roseanne Barr's fishnet stockings ffur a cheese grater for a whilenow

Sunny said...

oh man, I'm surprised you actually bought it without reading the small print first.

Hope, you, guys're all right now and drink that super healthy milk Mr T loves so much :)

The Dental Maven said...

Cowguy, you're got a gift for this food reviewing stuff. Have you been contacted by Gourmet Magazine yet????

Katie said...

hahahahahahahhaha....well, I'm glad I've never tried it now! My questions is...when did you try the fungus that grows under a camel's tail? I can see the review section growing here!

Gwen said...

I have never consumed an energy drink (I'm too much of a natural spazz to need it) but I always imagined this is how they would taste.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

Oh hahahahahahah! I can't get past "putiditry" or "the fungus that grows under a camel's tail in the rainy season".

WTF-who puts bat shit in a beverage?? OMG Cowguy, you are my hero-thank you for saving me from the foo foo coffee drink from hell!!

You could have a career at this food review thing.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Strangely...that look exactly like the after effects of one too many times to the buffet at the all-you-can-eat Brazilian Steak House when one is lacking a gall bladder. The toilet paper was a nice touch.

I stay clear of anything that has guarana in it. Thanks, I'll just have coffee and maybe some milk mixed in.

Kim said...

Hahaha...camel tail fungus...hahaha.
Hey, that sounds just like the guy I went to the prom with.

Catrina said...


Just A Chic... said...

I'm thinking I should print our review and post it on the community board at my local Great review.

Sassy Britches said...

I love the added visual of Sal rubbing her teeth with her finger to get it all off! Bluck; I think the toilet paper was the kicker.

zizzybob said...


April said...

I feel the same way. Never got the whole starbucks thing.

Giggle Pixie said...

I LOVE LOVE LOVE Starbucks, and even I can't take their double shots. That is just too strong for me - one espresso is plenty, thank you! I've not tried their canned stuff either, because I know double shot isn't my thing. Ewww...that sounded so gross!

Pyzahn said...

Thank goodness I'm not the only one who doesn't genuflect at the shrine of Starbucks. Thanks for being an articulate bev tester. The sacrifice saves the rest of us from O.O.D.

After years of telling us they BREW the best coffee, now they are selling INSTANT coffee. It's gotta be as gross as the energy drink.

Greenmare said...

I didn't think it was possible for you to rise higher in my esteem, but cow guy you have done it! Anyone who can combine all those awesome phrases with MoneyBucks is A1 ++++ in my book! Thank goodness you have saved more people from trying this horrible battery acid from the kind of corporate greed! yeah!

Sass said...



My name is Sass, and until I saw this poured on a piece of toilet paper, I didn't really mind them that much.

I'm now rubbing my teeth uncontrollably and wondering if that IS in face a Roseanne Barr pube stuck in my teeth.

You win, Cowguy. You seriously win.

Can I give you the sassified award, AGAIN????

Jennifer and Sandi said...

NASTY!! Yuck! and in a can no less!

- Jennifer

Bren said...

Sure, kick a guy when he's down (Starbucks - poor over-built Starbucks - built 2 new shops here in my city that didn't even get open before they decided they'd overbuilt and oughta back off!) I knew I hated 'em when I visited Barcelona and counted 8 from the tour bus - and that's a sacred coffee/espresso town.
Their coffee is over-priced and burnt tasting - and thanks 'cos now I shall never, ever try the canned guano-bean concoction!

heidi said...

Guano? Really? It's Guarana which is from a plant that has twice the amount of caffeine that coffee does. Learn your facts before you write stupid reviews or just teach your wife how to read.

Cowguy said...

Heidi you reek... of awesomeness. Obviously your sense of humor is wedged up your ass along with your head!

Congratulations dickweed, you have made a future blog post!

WowsRose said...

"Guano? Really? It's Guarana which is from a plant that has twice the amount of caffeine that coffee does. "

Wow, really, really? It still tastes like crap.

I think you need to learn to read too - this is a humor blog. Sarcasm at it's finest.