Sunday, January 25, 2009

Bow Your Heads...

As much as a shock as this may come to some... if not all of you, I have frozen to death. I am no longer among the warm and breathing. I am Ded.

D.

E.

D.

Ded.


The TOD (tractor of doom) has deceased once again, just like me. It's in the shop for it's seemingly bi-weekly overhaul. In it's place Uncle Satan brought over an even worse tractor than the TOD to use to feed the cattle. I honestly didn't think there could be a worse tractor, but there is. I drove it today and expired on the seat of it feeding hay to about 100 head of bovines in 10 degree temperatures with snow.

I spent 2 days getting this POS loaner tractor started in the freezing cold, with nary a plug in heater in existence on it... cause they normally don't need to plug in their tractors down in Hell. See it's really warm down there year round, though that'd be a crappy reason to vacation there. I finally got the damned thing started a few hours ago with much application of ether and hanging an electric heater on the side of the engine block, much like you'd see any other idiot on earth hang say... a live beaver on the side of a city bus. Awkwardly and unhappy.

I drove Uncle Satan's International 966 to the pasture without much damage, I fed the first hay only loosing the tips of my fingers and toes, but by the time I'd gotten finished it was somewhat more serious. My eyelids were frozen. One open, one shut. My lips had turned blue. I put them in my coat pocket for safekeeping just in case I wanted to play the trumpet later in life.

When I stood up to get off the seat of the tractor, parts of me did not. I turned to see the boys just basking there on the bright red, icy cold, hard vinyl seat. I bid them farewell and climbed down, realizing my shoes and feet were still in position on the clutch and brake pedals of the tractor.

It's just as well. I won't be needing any of those once important body parts ever again. I have frozen to death.

Sally will be raffling off my lips in the spring to help pay for tractor repairs I'm sure. Please send her your raffle entry in a timely manner.




Keeping "frozen" as the key word, I give you Vinnie(Todd) and Shaldeen in the frozen food section.







http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tncd84NYJ1Y






*sigh*





.

13 comments:

Giggle Pixie said...

I'm so sorry to hear about this! May you thaw in peace....

LOL

Sassy Britches said...

She's not raffling off the boys? Probably for the best.

Greenmare said...

make sure the boys and the lips are in different raffles please. I'd probably feel really sorry for you if it wasn't like 3 degrees here with windchill of -24.

gracie said...

Sally.....

Can we have his Home Depot Cell phone?

Just askin' ;)

xoxoox

Anonymous said...

make sure the boys and the lips aren't in the same pocket...

Sass said...

Frozen Kiwis???

Wow.

That's hot.

or actually, it's cold. But in a hot sort of way.

Sunny said...

The TOD rocks! Maybe you should install a heater.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

Oh dear, and I was just getting to know you....
my condolences..

Sally said...

*chuckle*

Jennifer and Sandi said...

I had no idea Satan had a tractor. That little devil!!

I'll take two raffle tickets please!!!

- Jennifer

Jerry said...

Can Sal hold the funeral 'till April when we get there? I'm not gonna take your word for it - I want proof. :)

Kim said...

Hey, Jace! Sorry to hear you're ded: D-E-D, ded. I was just thinking about you because I read this very enlightening story--

http://news.yahoo.com/s/livescience/cowswithnamesmakemoremilk

It's about how cows who are given names and who are treated as individuals rather than just another cow in a herd produce a lot more milk. Well, I'm pretty sure you don't have DAIRY cows, but you know--cows is cows, right? And it seems to me that if you called the poor things by name and talked nicely to them, maybe they'd come to YOU when they get hungry instead of you having to go out there on the replacement TOD and freeze the boys off. You know--I'm just sayin . . . .

Gran said...

Having grown up in the cold far north old country there are tricks to the trade someone has not passed on to you. So sorry that you are suffering such a sad death. Kind of reminds me of little children and the first time one sticks their tongue to the metal (nothing will happen to me is what we all thought...) and you can not move unless you are willing to leave half of your tongue there. Panic sets in, and visions of freezing to death (which you did) in that position then you panic again and think that you maybe can extract yourself with not too much damage. Sorry you choose plan "B" - poor guy.