Thursday, January 22, 2009

Sparkin' Fred's Keds

Today, in the middle of a deeply frozen January... we hit 63 degrees here in NEMO. I was outside traipsin' around like some kind of traipsin' fool, no coat, soaking it up. You don't get many days like this at this time of the year so it's a smart thing to wallow in 'em a bit, 'cause tomorrow it's probably gonna be back to something like 10 degrees.

Most of the country has been deadlocked in this insipid record cold and I got to thinking 'bout spreading my joy of today's heat wave by relating some facts about the 4th of July, when it's just hotter than a dutch rub on a buzz haircut.

Wait. This all made perfect sense to me as I went through my day thinking 'bout this... now I put it down in words and it makes 'bout as much sense as kicking an Angus bull in the nuts. What the hell. I'm marching on with it.

You knew I would.

I've got a little list of facts about the 4th of July that I comprised all before I was 18 or 19. I was kind of a July 4th prodigy. It's true. So without further ado, in the middle of winter, here's my fact list.

July 4th Fact #1. Sitting in the back seat of a '70 Pontiac Bonneville, if you throw a lit Cherry Bomb out the back window and it hits the top of the door frame and comes back inside the car and lands on the back floorboard.... when it goes off the carpet will have a big black, smoking hole in it. Most people are willing to hurl themselves out of a car still moving at 20 to 25 mph if this happens, except the guy in the front passenger seat, he will just snap off the door handle in his hand and scream like a little girl while he looks at it.

A little side note: The driver/owner of the Pontiac will be really angry with you as soon as he regains his hearing and will curse you loudly. At no point during this triage of language should you reply back "I don't think that's physically possible, Steve"

No. Don't do that.

July 4th Fact #2. Each beer consumed on the 4th (or any other day) kills about 500,000 brain cells. With this math, after your buddy drinks 8 beers he's at a 3rd grader level of smart. At this point it's possible for you and your other friends to convince him that it'd be great sport to stick bottle rockets in his shoe laces (I am not responsible for this logic now that I'm older) while his feet are resting on a cooler, and lighting off about 7 or 8 at once. The bottle rockets do NOT zip out of the shoes like you'd expect, in fact they just stick there. Watching a drunk guy try and run across the yard, shaking his feet alternately trying to make the bad bad bottle rockets go away and finally falling down and giving up while his shoes smoke and spark and pop WILL make beer shoot out your own nose.

We even named this one. "Sparkin' Fred's Keds"

July 4th Fact #3. The fourth of July does not give you special "Stunt Abilities" on a bicycle.

July 4th Fact #4. The waiting line at the Emergency Room is always a long one on the Fourth.

July 4th Fact #5. Roman candles are NOT weapons of war. This is especially true when you're 12 years old and you're playing WW2 and aim one at the neighbors pet milk cow and you yell "run you dirty Kraut, run!" and your mom and the neighbor witness this at the same time.

July 4th Fact #6. Your bedroom is a very sad place to spend the 4th of July when you're 12.

See? Now isn't that a nice break from winter?




Sass said...

Here's another grandmother's birthday is 4th of July.

I'm sure you needed to know that.

And boy, oh boy, are you in for a treat.

I am writing about you AT THIS MINUTE over at my blog. And damn. It's just good shit. ya know?

Greenmare said...

another fact, when even professionals shoot a rocket into a nearby tree, it WILL catch fire and bring out lots more entertainment for the crowd.

Sassy Britches said...

"Hotter than a dutch rub on a buzz cut." I'm speechless. And I'm stealing it.

I keep reading Fact #1 over and over again and absolutely cannot stop laughing. I'm surprised with all of your firecracker antics you still have all of your appendages.

Jerry said...

I guess I'm just impressed that you were the one that wreaked that havoc on others, therefore your own appendages were not at risk. You're a smart guy. :)

Great post, Jace. Had me a real good laugh.

Vicky said...

Geez, Jace, I can hardly catch my breath I'm laughing so hard! Just six more months until you can celebrate it once again!

WillowLakeScents said...

OMG ~ too freakin' funny !!

Shana said...

I came here from Sass's.
Nice to met you!!

kateykates said...

That was hillarious! Thanks to sass I found you!

Lee the MWOB Queen said...

I'm over here Cowguy because of Sass's web-sensation going on - and THIS was a great post to intro me to cowguy!!

I absolutely adore the 4th of July and believe it or not, I think I'll remember some of your 4th Facts come next 4th of July! And that might even be AFTER I kill some more brain cells...


Nice to meet ya...

Bella@That damn expat said...

Came over from Sass' site and I'm glad I did. She's right, you are funny!
You are right too, this warmed up my cold day.

Stacie said...

I love the 4th of birthday is the NEXT day!

Argentum Vulgaris said...

I see you just got Sassyfried, cool, can't think of a better way to go.

First time here, I followed, blame Sassy.


Nej said...

This was an awesome break from winter indeed!!!!

A 4th of July fact of my own: While participating in your own version of "Roman candle war", make sure one of your 'shots' doesn't land in the canvas duffel bag full of the rest of your fireworks for the night. Anyone near the action will be running for cover while laughing their arses off.

Came your way via Sass. :-)

Ann said...

Ah, the good ol' days, when parents actually let their kids shoot off bottle rockets. Sigh.

Sally said...

Was Sparkin' Fred's Keds caught on video, by any chance?

Somewhere in my posts (the Numa Numa one perhaps?) there's a guy, asleep in a lawn chair with his feet propped up on a cooler that has rockets slipped through his laces. Waking up to the noise and light (and I imagine HEAT), he runs around and finally falls down. Was that Fred?

Scope said...

Fourth of July Fun Fact: If you're 16 and you've got one of them fake lighters that shocks the carp right out of the victim; IDEAL time to drop an Energizer in that bad boy.

Pyzahn said...

Hello Cowguy. It's always nice to meet a fellow flatlander. I'm working the geography thru my head...NEMO...Hannibal? Kirksville?

I've a sad tale about a visit to that part of my state. A few years ago I wanted a long weekend away in a cabin somewhere with my dog. I pulled out the map, looked upward and noticed Mark Twain Lake area. Hmm, why did I not know about this state park?

I did some research, found a cabin to rent and went off in search of lakeside bliss. I pulled up to the "resort" (ha), my "cabin" sat at the back of an asphalt parking lot and the lake was no where in site.

I asked the desk clerk if there was a path to the lake. She looked at me like I was from another planet.

The icing on the cake was when my dog refused to enter the "cabin". He stood on the asphalt, stared at me in the doorway and would not budge. I was freakin' thinking that his animal instincts knew there was bad mojo in there.

Biscuits and threats finally got him in, but we checked out bright and early. Had a nice breakfast in Perryville, and hit antique stores down the riverfront all the way back to St. Louis.

Maybe I was in your establishment!