Sparkin' Fred's Keds

Today, in the middle of a deeply frozen January... we hit 63 degrees here in NEMO. I was outside traipsin' around like some kind of traipsin' fool, no coat, soaking it up. You don't get many days like this at this time of the year so it's a smart thing to wallow in 'em a bit, 'cause tomorrow it's probably gonna be back to something like 10 degrees.

Most of the country has been deadlocked in this insipid record cold and I got to thinking 'bout spreading my joy of today's heat wave by relating some facts about the 4th of July, when it's just hotter than a dutch rub on a buzz haircut.




Wait. This all made perfect sense to me as I went through my day thinking 'bout this... now I put it down in words and it makes 'bout as much sense as kicking an Angus bull in the nuts. What the hell. I'm marching on with it.

You knew I would.



I've got a little list of facts about the 4th of July that I comprised all before I was 18 or 19. I was kind of a July 4th prodigy. It's true. So without further ado, in the middle of winter, here's my fact list.




July 4th Fact #1. Sitting in the back seat of a '70 Pontiac Bonneville, if you throw a lit Cherry Bomb out the back window and it hits the top of the door frame and comes back inside the car and lands on the back floorboard.... when it goes off the carpet will have a big black, smoking hole in it. Most people are willing to hurl themselves out of a car still moving at 20 to 25 mph if this happens, except the guy in the front passenger seat, he will just snap off the door handle in his hand and scream like a little girl while he looks at it.

A little side note: The driver/owner of the Pontiac will be really angry with you as soon as he regains his hearing and will curse you loudly. At no point during this triage of language should you reply back "I don't think that's physically possible, Steve"

No. Don't do that.




July 4th Fact #2. Each beer consumed on the 4th (or any other day) kills about 500,000 brain cells. With this math, after your buddy drinks 8 beers he's at a 3rd grader level of smart. At this point it's possible for you and your other friends to convince him that it'd be great sport to stick bottle rockets in his shoe laces (I am not responsible for this logic now that I'm older) while his feet are resting on a cooler, and lighting off about 7 or 8 at once. The bottle rockets do NOT zip out of the shoes like you'd expect, in fact they just stick there. Watching a drunk guy try and run across the yard, shaking his feet alternately trying to make the bad bad bottle rockets go away and finally falling down and giving up while his shoes smoke and spark and pop WILL make beer shoot out your own nose.

We even named this one. "Sparkin' Fred's Keds"




July 4th Fact #3. The fourth of July does not give you special "Stunt Abilities" on a bicycle.




July 4th Fact #4. The waiting line at the Emergency Room is always a long one on the Fourth.



July 4th Fact #5. Roman candles are NOT weapons of war. This is especially true when you're 12 years old and you're playing WW2 and aim one at the neighbors pet milk cow and you yell "run you dirty Kraut, run!" and your mom and the neighbor witness this at the same time.



July 4th Fact #6. Your bedroom is a very sad place to spend the 4th of July when you're 12.




See? Now isn't that a nice break from winter?

Later,
J.








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