Thursday, June 5, 2008

Testicles, Belly Meat, And Near Death Experiences

I've been blogging for less than a year and already I get to use the word "testicles" in a title line! I've got other good words that I can't wait to throw up there as well... I bet y'all can't hardly wait either, huh?

Sal and I made a run down to the city yesterday to run some errands and etc. As it turned out we did a lot more etc. than errand running... but we had fun, as always. We made a run over to Petsmart to grab some stuff and on the way outta the parking lot I told Sal to get the camera ready.

There's pop, with an ample supply of fishbelly hanging out for all the world to see, at least the people driving down Broadway in Columbia, MO... and to the left, Lil' Fishbelly Jr. echoing Fishbelly Senior's pose. These 2 were either watching traffic or just showing off. I dunno which.

Cutting across town to Stadium we spied a sign that you're mostly gonna find the likes of in the midwest. I gotta feeling that you're gonna be hard pressed to find a big billboard proclaiming "TESTICLE FESTIVAL!" in either downtown Los Angeles or Boston. In Missouri though, this is considered normal.

I'm gonna take exception to the look on that bull/steer's face though. I have been the active participant in... many 1000's of testicle removals on unwilling bovines. I have yet to see one with THAT expression on their face. It just don't happen.. trust me.

If you've lived on concrete most of your life and you don't know what a person does at a Testicle Festival, well it's not what you think. There ain't a whole lot of "showing stuff off"... nope. You eat 'em. Floured, fried, and fricasseed and poked right in the ol' pie hole.

No, I don't eat 'em. I figure that God hung those things there for mostly one purpose and then built a whole dang cow type critter made of eatin' beef right on top of 'em. I know where they've been, I know what they've done and I saw the cadillac they fell out of. I ain't eatin' 'em.


So then we're driving down Business Loop 70 and we're going to JoAnne's Fabrics, and we're going by this nasty little restaurant that we always go by and I comment that there's never any cars there and how the hell do they keep the doors open. So we're craning our necks to the left staring at the now interesting restaurant and I swing over into the left hand turn lane to pull into the little strip mall where Joanne's is. I got my blinker on and we're still talking bout the dumb restaurant and here comes a black Dodge Ramcharger coming for us straight on... fast. So of course my first reaction is to come up with a funny line that Sally will repeat the rest of the day... 'cause I'm a born comedian, 'specially when death is imminent.


I'm gauging the drive that I'm gonna turn left into and if I'm gonna make it before the Dodge kills us all when Sally makes a clever discovery.

There is no left turn lane there.

I think she squeaked some kinda blessing, I stomped the pedal to that suddenly anemic little Chevy Cavalier, to the floor with all my might, nearly touching my toenails to the fan blade of the engine and yank that baby left into JoAnne's just in time to become the black Dodge guy's number one pal. He said so!

We stopped. We breathed hard. Got a bad case of the giggles, actually Sally had a kleenex dabbing tears from hysteria. I let her out and headed on down Paris road to a favorite pawn shop to look through stuff. I'm in there messing with a guitar and my phone rings... it's Sal.

Sally: You okay honey?

Me: Uh... yeah.

Sally: Okay, I was just wondering about you.

Me: Why's that?

Sally: Well a bunch of fire engines and cops just went by JoAnnes and I thought it might have been something you done.

Me: ........

Sally: *Hysterical laughter*

She's something... lol.



Sally said...

What he doesn't mention was the view from the passenger (my) side of the car. Looking out my window I see a double yellow line... to the right of me. "Honey? You're in the on coming traffic lane" only it was more like the "You're going the wrong way" scene from Trains, Planes & Automobiles, complete with the gasping and not being able to find the right words.

But his accusing "Whoa Buddy" line, it was a killer!

That guy o' mine... He's somethin

Jerry said...

Well, there's another fine vignette 'smithed by the master and blessed by the Queen!

Glad you guys are still alive!

Oh, I don't eat 'em, either.....

Fletch said...

Ain't no better eatin' than bull fries, unless it's calf fries, or even turkey fries. I got introduced by way of a TX panhandle gal in Denver. Believe it or not, they're not easy to find round my neck of the woods - North Central Texas - at least not in restaurants. Mmmm, may have to go git some fer lunch!

Great story, I've had a couple of close calls like that one. Be careful out there!

Marilyn said...

Great story! My darling hubby took three bull calves to the vet to get them "steered". A few days later I took the trash out and smelled something dead coming from the green wheeley trash thingy. Mind you trash gets picked up once a week on Friday. Saturday was the "steering". I asked him about the dead smell. He said "That vet put those things in the pickup when I wasn't looking." I have tried calf fries. Not impressed. Lots better things to eat! Tell Sal I totally understand about the no left turn lane. When one way streets first came into being or maybe we were first introduced to them "Oh, my God!"

Vicky said...

OMG, too funny! Especially that you're his No. 1 pal now!

When I first moved to L.A., I was introduced to a gang one night in a dark parking lot of the market. Remind me to tell you my No. 1 story some time! LOL

BeatnikBettie said...

just ran across yoru blog while pretending to work, just wanted to have given me a good solid hour of pure enjoyment. Thank you