Cheap Hotels

I just had a story relayed to me about the price of hotels getting stupidly expensive. Heck what is'nt these days? It got me to thinking about some of the places I've stayed.

Back when I was in the gun business and I did gun shows, I stayed in some real doozies along the way. Of course with the business I was in, I was usually armed to the teeth with enough armament to win most small governmental skirmishes single handedly. If the sheets looked clean, the cockroaches weren't too bad, the place had a bar and it was cheap... I was there. Never had trouble that I remember, being a pretty good sized feller doesn't hurt sometimes... you get away with more in a rough place, 'specially with the butt of a 45 sticking up out of the back of your pants. :-)

Most of 'em I've forgot about, I DO remember a Ramada Inn that I stayed at once that had blood red shag carpeting that was soaking wet. I went back to the desk and they moved me down to the end of the hallway and everything was cool until about 1 am when the folks in the room next to mine... got loud. I gotta put this as politely as I can... They sounded as if they were beating elephants with a 2x10 while walking on hot coals. I laid there in my bed for awhile trying to envision just what antics these folks were performing... when all of a sudden I heard glass break, a loud expletive deletive, laughter.... and then what apparently was a monkey riding a bicycle in circles with a playing card stuck in the spokes while he chased a sea lion around the room. The female half (I say "half" because I'm just assuming there were only two people involved in these shenanigans)seemed to REALLY like this part.

I called the front desk and everything stopped in about 5 minutes. I looked around for signs of a seal the next morning, but none was there.


A few years ago I had to be at the hospital for a procedure VERY early in the morning, several miles from here and decided it'd be best to get there the night before and have a quick commute to the hospital. Sal got a coupon outta something for a hotel called the "Budget" something. Can't remember the name now. Anyway we got to the Budget Dump and I walk in to the front desk. The place looks a little on the tough side. A gal with what looked to be "some experience" and a black eye, took my money and my stupid stupid stupid coupon and gave me the key to hell.

Sal and I drove to room 666, got out, tried the key... wouldn't work. I drove back to the office. This time a big Mexican guy with a pony tail came to the desk and wanted to know what I needed. I told him the key didn't work and he double checked it and said to go back to the room and he'd send his brother down to open it for us.

We go BACK to the prince of darkness' room and wait until the big Mexican's brother comes waltzing down the parking lot and is quite possibly the drunkest man I've seen that is still able to keep his feet on terra firma. Drunk brother stabs around with the key, wiggles the doorknob, curses in spanish and finally the door pops open. We all 3 walk inside, it's freezing cold. I ask him if there's any heat, he flips on a heater over the top of the doorway that sounds so weary and awful, I'm sure that it predated the Spanish American war. As a matter of fact it may have been a weapon in that war. I dunno.

Drunk brother leaves and I stand there in this room with my lovely bride who refuses to get any closer to a bed, chair or wall than 8 feet. I peer around the corner into the bathroom.

Sally: How is it?

Me: Not pretty. I ain't using it.

Sally: You want to look at the bed?

Me: No.

Sally: *frightened silence*

Me: Let's go.

Sally: Where?

Me: I gotta go talk to the ponytail.

We get back in the car and I go back to the office. A puny looking little white guy in black rimmed glasses, might have been Wally Cox but I don't know for certain, handed Juan Ponytail some cash and sauntered off down another hallway with Miss Blackeye.

I belly up to the counter and he looks at me...

Ponytail: Dere a problam man?

Me: Yeah... I'm gonna be needing my money back.

Ponytail: *Looking at me*

Me: *Looking at Ponytail*

Ponytail: No problemo man.

I walk back out to the car and open the door.

Sally: How'd it go?

Me: *handing her the cash refund and laying my Glock down on the console.* No problemo man...


We drove to a very nice Ramada Inn, walked in, they were all decorated for Christmas... it was beautiful. Sally walks over to the giant Christmas tree in the lobby.

Sally: JACE! LOOK! They have a Christmas tree! Isn't it beautiful?

Sally: *running over to the curved staircase that is decorated with lights and garland* JACE! HONEY! LOOK! They have stairs. Real stairs... WITH GARLAND AND LIGHTS! I think I'm going to cry now honey.

I turned to the clerk who was smiling and she gave me an excellent deal on the room for Sally's most excellent performance and we lived happily ever after.