I Was A First Grader Pervert *shame*

I had a fairly long and illustrious career in the principal's office from 1st grade until I was a Senior. I woulda started earlier but I skipped kindergarten 'cause I was a prodigy in doodie and stuff.

A few of those visits were epic with finger pointing and accusations, tears and tantrums... and that was just the principal. It was a gift.

My first encounter with the principal was in Mrs. Saffell's office... this one was not only my first but my first epic as well. I went many years before I passed this one with anything incredible enough to even warrant a nod of acknowledgment that I was habitually bad. But through diligence and hard work... I did.

Back in the day we had the playground and off to the far end of the playground, where we were never supposed to be as first graders, was a row of trees. More like a brushy fence row, really dense undergrowth and all that. We'd just gone out for recess and my buddy Mike pulled out a bag of M&M's and I was struck with brilliance. Doctor Jace and Doctor Mike at your service ladies. Yes, doctor Mike has the pills.

Now bear in mind neither me or Mike knew what the heck a girl's hoo haa looked like. Hell I can barely describe them now years later. That's a doggone complicated piece of equipment right there. I'm serious. I honestly don't think I knew that they had anything different than what we were packin'... but dang it, we knew something was going on. Heck they wore dresses. It wasn't until the 3rd grade when Billy Bogaeart told me what they were called.

I could hardly believe it.

Anyway, we announced our plan to a few girls and they lined right up enticed by the promise of Mike's M&M's. I had a pointy rock. They stopped, lifted up their dress, I poked somewhere in the nether area with the rock, Mike gave 'em a "pill" and so it went. Heck some went through the line twice. All was going well when...

WHAAAPPP!!!!

Mrs. Ashby, the 3rd teacher nearly knocked my brains out of my head right there. Teachers could smack you around when you needed it back then and boy did I need it. Mike started to run but she was pretty quick for an old lady and she grabbed him by his belt and started dragging us into the office. I never did get my feet fully under me the whole trip there... kinda half dragging, half skipping and the last half doing that run until you fall down thing.

She slammed us down in chairs in front of the principals desk. Mike started to cry, but everyone there was pissed, cept for me and him, and she yelled him outta his bawling. He sat there and sniffed. THEN... Mrs. Ashby comes dragging in all the girls and had 'em all lined up against the wall like some kind of first grade police line up. The love of my life, Kelly Stevens was crying so mournfully I almost broke down.

Then the real drama came. Mrs. Asby slammed my pointy rock down on the principal's desk. Damning evidence. I hated that rock right then and there and then came the speech.

I remember nothing at all about the speech because Mrs. Saffell started it out with, "DO YOU REALIZE YOU COULD REALLY HURT SOMEONE STICKING THEM WITH A SHARP INSTRUMENT?"

The only instruments that I knew as a 6 year old first grader were a piano, a guitar and a trombone. And I was trying to figure out which would be the most deadly to poke someone with and decided it would be the trombone, and at that point I blurted out for whatever reason.

"Trombone".


The speech stopped. She dramatically threw my pointy rock in the trash can and we all lost recess for a week.



I am still shamed.













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