Tuesday, February 3, 2009

I Was A First Grader Pervert *shame*

I had a fairly long and illustrious career in the principal's office from 1st grade until I was a Senior. I woulda started earlier but I skipped kindergarten 'cause I was a prodigy in doodie and stuff.

A few of those visits were epic with finger pointing and accusations, tears and tantrums... and that was just the principal. It was a gift.

My first encounter with the principal was in Mrs. Saffell's office... this one was not only my first but my first epic as well. I went many years before I passed this one with anything incredible enough to even warrant a nod of acknowledgment that I was habitually bad. But through diligence and hard work... I did.

Back in the day we had the playground and off to the far end of the playground, where we were never supposed to be as first graders, was a row of trees. More like a brushy fence row, really dense undergrowth and all that. We'd just gone out for recess and my buddy Mike pulled out a bag of M&M's and I was struck with brilliance. Doctor Jace and Doctor Mike at your service ladies. Yes, doctor Mike has the pills.

Now bear in mind neither me or Mike knew what the heck a girl's hoo haa looked like. Hell I can barely describe them now years later. That's a doggone complicated piece of equipment right there. I'm serious. I honestly don't think I knew that they had anything different than what we were packin'... but dang it, we knew something was going on. Heck they wore dresses. It wasn't until the 3rd grade when Billy Bogaeart told me what they were called.

I could hardly believe it.

Anyway, we announced our plan to a few girls and they lined right up enticed by the promise of Mike's M&M's. I had a pointy rock. They stopped, lifted up their dress, I poked somewhere in the nether area with the rock, Mike gave 'em a "pill" and so it went. Heck some went through the line twice. All was going well when...


Mrs. Ashby, the 3rd teacher nearly knocked my brains out of my head right there. Teachers could smack you around when you needed it back then and boy did I need it. Mike started to run but she was pretty quick for an old lady and she grabbed him by his belt and started dragging us into the office. I never did get my feet fully under me the whole trip there... kinda half dragging, half skipping and the last half doing that run until you fall down thing.

She slammed us down in chairs in front of the principals desk. Mike started to cry, but everyone there was pissed, cept for me and him, and she yelled him outta his bawling. He sat there and sniffed. THEN... Mrs. Ashby comes dragging in all the girls and had 'em all lined up against the wall like some kind of first grade police line up. The love of my life, Kelly Stevens was crying so mournfully I almost broke down.

Then the real drama came. Mrs. Asby slammed my pointy rock down on the principal's desk. Damning evidence. I hated that rock right then and there and then came the speech.

I remember nothing at all about the speech because Mrs. Saffell started it out with, "DO YOU REALIZE YOU COULD REALLY HURT SOMEONE STICKING THEM WITH A SHARP INSTRUMENT?"

The only instruments that I knew as a 6 year old first grader were a piano, a guitar and a trombone. And I was trying to figure out which would be the most deadly to poke someone with and decided it would be the trombone, and at that point I blurted out for whatever reason.


The speech stopped. She dramatically threw my pointy rock in the trash can and we all lost recess for a week.

I am still shamed.



Scope said...

And not the last time your TROM-BONER got you in trouble, I suscept.

Just A Chic... said...

Too funny. Nowadays you'd be charged with sexual harrassment!

Scope said...

Good morning! I was a name dropping fool in my 100-4-100 post, and I mentioned you. (Yes, it's a clever little way to pimp my blog today!) Come on over.

Bella@That damn expat said...

No you are not, you are totally bragging!
And that's okay because this story is awesome.

Sunny said...


The Dental Maven said...

Perhaps you missed your medical calling?

Sass said...

I can't stop laughing. I can't.

You. Poked. Them. With. A. Pointy. Rock.

If I had a nickel for everytime that'd happened to me.

And I can't believe you said Trombone.

Oh, my goodness.

I'd prefer the oboe. Oh....BOE.

sorry...carried away.

April said...

That is too funny. You would be thrown in little kid jail these days.

Lee the MWOB Queen said...

That is one brilliant story and the fact that you remember it so clearly is mind-blowing to me.

Hilarious!! I love the reminder of a time when teachers could uh, use physical force with their students and not find themselves in jail....and a trombone???

I surely would NOT like to be poked with a sharp instrument - not even now.

Great story!!

Giggle Pixie said...

I laughed so hard I snorted. Thanks for that.


Anonymous said...

Gee just think you could a went and got into movies as "The Rock" Pokemon starring the ROCK

Anonymous said...

I can see it now cowguy as cupid hairy chest large gut wearin a huge diaper ..instead of arrows a bag a pointy rocks..sorry ..daydreaming again...

Nej said...

A pointy rock???? :-) :-)

The minds of young men now scare me even more. :-)

Stacie said...

wow. Pointy rocks and those girls lined up for it, seriously, what does it say about THEM?

Cowguy said...

Scope: Nyet.

Just a Chic: Most likely lol.

Bella: heh... Thanks!

Sunny: My pleasure.

Dental Maven: Possibly. Maybe I'll just free lance.

Sass: YOU ROCK! *sigh*

April: Little kid jail would have been like going on vacation.

Lee: I dunno, I can remember minute details from the time I was about 3 (seriously) (freaky eh?) but can't remember something that happened yesterday.

Giggle Pixie: Snort? SCORE!!

Anymoose #1: Pokemon. lol

Anymoose #2:Yeah, ha ha.



Nej: I was 6. I wouldnt dare use a rock now... probably a stick.

Stacie: They were in lust for M&M's.

Gwen said...

Tears are rolling down my cheeks. Trombone. Hahahaha! Doodie prodigy! Ha!

Chaka said...

Those were the days when teachers could administer corporal punishment. I'll never forget seeing a classmate slapped in the face by a teacher for talking back.
I don't think you could have chosen a funnier instrument than a trombone.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

hee hee hee hee! Glad to see not much has changed since then.

Jerry said...

I assume those little gals had to go get counseling after that traumatizing experience, eh? :)

Great story, Jace. Dang, I remember so little - now I'm trying to think of the first time I actually wondered/cared...... :)

Sassy Britches said...

I can't BELIEVE that in all that hullaballoo, all that was yelled about was the sharp instrument and not WHERE the sharp instrument was poking! Repressed teachers, I tell ya.

Nice one with the trombone; much more feasible than the piano or guitar.