Monday, March 30, 2009

Dear Match.Com Mental Midget Men... Hire Me To Write Your Profile.

So Sal's buddy "A" spent the day with us yesterday and with very little coaxing we got her to log onto her brand spanky new Match.com profile and let us poke around in her venture into online "looking" with her.

We. Were. In. Tears.

Now before you go wagging an accusatory finger at me because I don't understand how it is these days, here's a little tidbit of Cowguy gossip that's juicy as an over ripe kumquat. Sal and I met online.

Albeit a zillion years ago (about 12 or so), but we did. There wasn't as much to sort around in as far as lovelorn and love torn carnage and bile, but still. And we didn't start out looking for love... we just ended up in the same place on Yahoo Chat (does that date things or what? lol) and que sera sera.


Okay so back to A's Match.Com stuff. After spending most of the afternoon rooting around in profiles with her, Sal I came to the conclusion... These poor bastards need to hire me to write their profiles cause 99.9% really suck at it. I mean horribly. So just to give you an idea, I've got a short list of Do Not Do's for internet dating.


1. Use the spellchecker. Seriously. It's an atrocity to pitch yourself to the WWW and you can't spell WWW. Fix it. You're an idiot, leave some mystique for that first encounter. Let her find out the old fashioned way.


2. UNLOCK YOUR FRIGGIN' CAPLOCK! Good Lord guys, it's one freakin' keystroke.


3. Quit mIxInG UPper aNd LoweR CasE leTTerS. If you're trying to come off all hip and gangsta... it ain't working. We all laughed at you. Hard.


4. For the love of God man, put your damned shirt on. You look like someone named Jeffro. While we're on this topic, if your brand new tat of a brightly colored rooster is still red and puffy... don't show it off. Oh and yes, we "got" the cock innuendo. We laughed again.


5. If your profile reads something like "I'm 42 and never been married" DO NOT have half of your profile pics taken with your mom. I hate to ask this but, do you know why? It's because we now know you live in your mom's basement and you're gonna hate the girl that sits on that one special afghan that your mom crocheted just for you for your HS graduation gift.


6. We know you hit midlife. We know you love your Harley. Mentioning that you ride in your profile is cool. 14 pictures of you sitting on a ratty old AMF Harley Sportster... is not. Oh and again, put your shirt on.


7. Quit sucking in your gut. The look on your face looks like you just stepped in dogshit and you're about to throw up. If you're "husky"... that's just the way it goes. She's gonna find out you're tubby on that first date unless you're wearing a man girdle.


8. Link for Man Girdle.


9. Starting your brand new profile with... "YES! MY DIVORCE WAS FINAL YESTERDAY! MATCH.COM LADIES, HERE I AM!" is bad. It's not the worst, but it's bad and the wimmen folk ain't gonna take a hankering to you, Cletus. *yes we saw one profile just like this*


10. Do NOT drone on and on and on about your ex. No one cares but you. It's scary.


11. Please, please, please get someone besides your 4 year old to take your picture... and smile man, smile. Try and look a little happy. If you ain't got teeth, go get some and smile.


12. I like hunting. Evidently you do too. Quit putting pictures of dead animals in your profile. It's just a little disconcerting. Oh and ditch the camo. It's for hunting animals, not for hunting ladies. The Bass Pro line of clothing isn't the best choice of "dating pic wear."


13. Finally, you're trying too hard at being funny. If it takes 3 paragraphs to get your little joke out and then another 4 paragraphs to explain it, it's not humor... it's pain.


Contact me, we'll negotiate a price. I'll make you look smrt smart, AND funny.







.

20 comments:

Cora said...

Ooh, that man girdle is gonna be sexy when the clothes start coming off!

mo.stoneskin said...

There was the internet twelve zillion years ago? Well call me a monkey's uncle.

Greenmare said...

match dot should hire you, it'd make them look better to. click here for the cow guy option....

Susan said...

ThIs.POsT.Is.priCelss.

Princess of Everything (and then some) said...

Then they can hire me to take their photos. I get so tired of seeing all the up the nose shots when they are trying to take the photo themselves. And let's not forget the shots taken in the bathroom through the mirror...love seeing the potty lid up and the mess of towels on the floor!

SuBee said...

OMG - THANK YOU! You've just made your contribution to mankind!
Someone needs to post this on Match -- what a lame bunch of bozos. We laugh at them too. Hard.

Stacie said...

I am sure there could be a business for this...and now venturing into singlehood myself, I think I will STEER clear of Match.com

Kim said...

They definitely need your help. I especially like #14. My single mom says she won't date a guy without teeth. She doesn't care if he bought 'em, he just has to have 'em in his mouth.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

"Finally, you're trying too hard at being funny. If it takes 3 paragraphs to get your little joke out and then another 4 paragraphs to explain it, it's not humor... it's pain."

That's not pain. That's my blog!

Jennifer and Sandi said...

How cow! Excuse the pun! That is so TrUe!!!

HaPpY TuEsDaY!

- JeNnIfEr

Venom said...

Cowguy -

You should and I-Do-Things-So-You-Won't-Have-To should co-ordinate on the match.com Redhead Ranting project.

If I were looking, I'd go out with a guy that met your criteria.

;-)

Sassy Britches said...

Sad part is, it doesn't start mid-life. La-hoo-sers my age and younger are shirtless, too-many-bike-shots, camo-wearing nutters! I hope you found a few worthy causes!

Candy's daily Dandy said...

You could consider this work a SERIOUS public service.



And Sassy-thank you for my newest favorite internets word "la-hoo-sers" I am sooo stealing that one.

Jennifer and Sandi said...

Boy howdy, this almost makes me glad I"m married!! I jest..... surely I jest.... or do I jest? Shirley.......

Snadi

Jerry said...

What a riot! I've never been to one of those sites. I'd love to read a few of those just for the laughs, but the way these 'puters track where you've been, well, I just couldn't stand the embarrassment........ :)

Kim said...

Seriously funny, Jace! And the link for the man girdles? Priceless! I may need to devote a blog post to man girdles. Also though? I'm trying not to think about why you might know of a link for man girdles.

Chaka said...

That was a great post. I lost it with your description of the guys on #7. I'm happily married, but you made me want to join an online dating company just to see more of what you described.

Erzebat said...

hiyall,
goodness! can you go over to plentyoffish.com and help those poor slobs too? If I read one more profile that says 'I prefer slim and fit ladies' (which loosely translates into...I have shortcomings, they will fit better in a small youwhatwhat)I will have to tell that man, get real we all know you aint mr universe! love your comments on the match.com profiles. (mauh) Liz

Susan Freebery said...

Hysterical. Laughed so hard, I could barely see the words. Going for Windex and paper towels to clean the screen.... thanks for the laugh!

Kami said...

Thank you, thank you!! The tears are rolling down my cheeks, I can't remember when I laughed so hard. You made my evening.