Dear Match.Com Mental Midget Men... Hire Me To Write Your Profile.

So Sal's buddy "A" spent the day with us yesterday and with very little coaxing we got her to log onto her brand spanky new Match.com profile and let us poke around in her venture into online "looking" with her.

We. Were. In. Tears.

Now before you go wagging an accusatory finger at me because I don't understand how it is these days, here's a little tidbit of Cowguy gossip that's juicy as an over ripe kumquat. Sal and I met online.

Albeit a zillion years ago (about 12 or so), but we did. There wasn't as much to sort around in as far as lovelorn and love torn carnage and bile, but still. And we didn't start out looking for love... we just ended up in the same place on Yahoo Chat (does that date things or what? lol) and que sera sera.


Okay so back to A's Match.Com stuff. After spending most of the afternoon rooting around in profiles with her, Sal I came to the conclusion... These poor bastards need to hire me to write their profiles cause 99.9% really suck at it. I mean horribly. So just to give you an idea, I've got a short list of Do Not Do's for internet dating.


1. Use the spellchecker. Seriously. It's an atrocity to pitch yourself to the WWW and you can't spell WWW. Fix it. You're an idiot, leave some mystique for that first encounter. Let her find out the old fashioned way.


2. UNLOCK YOUR FRIGGIN' CAPLOCK! Good Lord guys, it's one freakin' keystroke.


3. Quit mIxInG UPper aNd LoweR CasE leTTerS. If you're trying to come off all hip and gangsta... it ain't working. We all laughed at you. Hard.


4. For the love of God man, put your damned shirt on. You look like someone named Jeffro. While we're on this topic, if your brand new tat of a brightly colored rooster is still red and puffy... don't show it off. Oh and yes, we "got" the cock innuendo. We laughed again.


5. If your profile reads something like "I'm 42 and never been married" DO NOT have half of your profile pics taken with your mom. I hate to ask this but, do you know why? It's because we now know you live in your mom's basement and you're gonna hate the girl that sits on that one special afghan that your mom crocheted just for you for your HS graduation gift.


6. We know you hit midlife. We know you love your Harley. Mentioning that you ride in your profile is cool. 14 pictures of you sitting on a ratty old AMF Harley Sportster... is not. Oh and again, put your shirt on.


7. Quit sucking in your gut. The look on your face looks like you just stepped in dogshit and you're about to throw up. If you're "husky"... that's just the way it goes. She's gonna find out you're tubby on that first date unless you're wearing a man girdle.


8. Link for Man Girdle.


9. Starting your brand new profile with... "YES! MY DIVORCE WAS FINAL YESTERDAY! MATCH.COM LADIES, HERE I AM!" is bad. It's not the worst, but it's bad and the wimmen folk ain't gonna take a hankering to you, Cletus. *yes we saw one profile just like this*


10. Do NOT drone on and on and on about your ex. No one cares but you. It's scary.


11. Please, please, please get someone besides your 4 year old to take your picture... and smile man, smile. Try and look a little happy. If you ain't got teeth, go get some and smile.


12. I like hunting. Evidently you do too. Quit putting pictures of dead animals in your profile. It's just a little disconcerting. Oh and ditch the camo. It's for hunting animals, not for hunting ladies. The Bass Pro line of clothing isn't the best choice of "dating pic wear."


13. Finally, you're trying too hard at being funny. If it takes 3 paragraphs to get your little joke out and then another 4 paragraphs to explain it, it's not humor... it's pain.


Contact me, we'll negotiate a price. I'll make you look smrt smart, AND funny.







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