Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Burger King's Steakhouse Burger Killed Me Dead.

I had to run into town today to pick Jake up, he had to drop his truck off at the body shop, and we went into Burger King for lunch.

I am still suffering the aftershocks of this luncheon of mung on a bun.

Standing at the counter, I'm looking up at the glitzy and glamorous (glamorous in the fast food hamburger sense of "things that are likely NOT to kill you dead" and nothing else) and I see what may be the most stupendous fast food hamburger of all time... the Loaded Steakhouse Burger. Here's what the thing looked like up on the wall of fame at BK...

I stole that image from BK's website, I hope they don't mind, if they do... well tough. :-)

Sitting down at the table I unwrapped my Loaded Steakhouse Burger and I sat there looking at it, and the conversation went like this.

Me: *just sitting there looking at it, then looking up at the picture above the order counter, and back again, and back again, and back again.*

Jake: What the hell is that?

Me: I don't know.

Jake: That's disgusting.

Me: *just staring at it*

Jake: Dude, I wouldn't eat that.

Me: This is the ugliest hamburger I have ever seen in my life.

At this point a Burger King girl who was, unknown to me, standing behind me cleaning or doing something, walks to the side of the table and asks what I ordered.

Me: That Loaded Steakhouse Burger up there on the top row.

BK Girl : *eyeballing my sandwich while I pull the top bun back* Yeah, that's what you got there.

Me: Does this look like that one up there... I mean... AT ALL?

BK Girl: *Just smiling*

Jake: *Trying to choke down his Whopper*

BK Girl: You DID order the "loaded" one, right?

Me: Yeah...

BK Girl: That's it.

The BK girl then walks off, undoubtedly to identify other patrons meatmounds on a bun that they've purchased with hard earned money. I take a few bites of the thing and take it apart and start scraping stuff off of it.

Jake: What in the world is THAT you're scraping off man?

Me: Looks to be mashed potatoes.

Jake: I'm gonna be sick. What are those brown things that look like maggots?

Me: I think they're like onion ring parts or something.

And so it went. I ate about half and couldn't choke down anymore, got in the car and left. I got home and noticed I had my receipt shoved in my hoodie pocket and it had a customer service toll free number... so I called it. The electronic BK voice on the other end asked if I'd do a survey and I poked 1 for yes and it took like 10 minutes and at the end of the survey it gave me a secret code for a free Whopper... and then it hung up on me.

Right there is the definition of "irony" played out in real life.

I looked around for another hidden phone number and lost interest in the effort and had to go eat some Rolaids, and some anti death drugs.

More than anything, it's just like my own personal little public service announcement for you. Unless you want to be killed to death by a Steakhouse Burger, steer clear of 'em. Stick with the fries. They have really good fries... and ice.


Fletch said...

Ugh! Near bout gives me heartburn just LOOKING at that crap! In fact, BK gives me heartburn, PERIOD! My condolences.

Anonymous said...

And to think when you take your cows to market that this may be their fate, a BK Steakhouse Burger. Now PETA may have a case with this one. ShaneG

p.s. I'm a member of the other PETA: people eating tasty aninmals

Kim said...

I don't think I would have ordered it, having read the description, no matter WHAT the picture looked like! I DO like Whopper Jr's with cheese though. And a long, long time ago, they had some really GOOD onion rings. There aren't many Burger King's around here though--and that's probably a good thing!

Jerry said...

Well, my sympathies for your trauma. Good meat is hard to find for the average joe - fortunately I have a nice little meat market just two miles away.

BK? I stick with the whoppers. Lesser of all their evils in my mind. :)

Kim said...

You know what cracked me up this week? When one of the secretaries at the office started telling us about this great burger she and her son had at Burger King called the Steakhouse Burger and how good it tasted with the baked potato and the onion crispy things! You know what made me slightly sad this week though? When I started thinking about burgers 'cause everyone seems to be talking about them, and then I found out the Wendy's near the office had closed sometime back. Wendy's has about the closest thing to a BK junior with cheese that's anywhere close to my home or work. Or at least it USED to be. Well, at least I wasn't craving one of those Steakhouse Burgers, huh?! LOL!

Mike said...

Thanks for the critique Jace. I'm a thinkin' I'll pass on this gastronomical disaster.