Thursday, January 10, 2008

Embrace My Redneckness

The good Lord knows I love classic rock, and guns and swiggin' beer from a long neck while sitting on my endgate with a couple of buddies. Cheap cigars, a nice big fire and things that go fast rate real high too. You know why? 'Cause I'm a redneck. I can't help it, it's just what I am, partly because of where I live and partly because of my upbringing and the rest is just because I like it and I'm good at it.

This part of the world is literally swimming with rednecks, good ol' boys in the 3rd degree, and most of 'em are my friends, but every once in a while a line is crossed that even hard core folks here just sorta blink at and go "what the....".

A couple weeks ago I picked up the local bargain ad paper as I left the hardware store and came across this ad that went beyond breaking this boundary. It went through it with the front hubs locked in and killed 4 chickens, a possum and a mailbox in the process. I clipped it out, here tis, unedited except for the blacking out of the phone number.

Where oh where does one begin when picking apart a wonderful discovery such as this? Really... Is it the fact that this is 2008 and this gentleman is selling his 1976 model Chevy for, how much? $1750 American? Is it the fact that it has a "14 inch lift kit" but no brakes that make it go beyond the bounds of good redneck etiquette? Maybe it's because it's missing the hood and there's absolutely no mention of that whatsover, like that's a standard feature on this model. Maybe it's because it's dotted around the ad so you've got a little guide to run your scissors on when you clip it out (I know.. "I" did) and save it for when you're drunk enough to call the guy about it. I mean after all it DOES have Super Swampers, that right there sweetens this little deal right up, if you're into Super Swampers. The "Runs like a scolded dog" comment, now THAT is classic. I love that line, really helps me visualize just how good this beauty must run. A side note, I've added that line to my regular vocabulary just because it makes me laugh to even think it. I'm laughing right now.

The fact is, any one of these things would be acceptable by themselves, but put them all together and cousin, that just busts down that redneck acceptable barrier.

We've got standards you know.


Anonymous said...

Well, I'm purty much a 'redneck' gal from Fl and around here we have scalded dogs. You are too funny ! Love your blog, I can SO relate to your cow stories. Glenda

Jerry said...

LOL! I REALLY enjoyed this one. Gotta applaud the FL gal's comment re "scalded dogs" too. Dunno if she spelled it wrong or the good ol' boy that wrote the ad scewed up (imagine that) but "scalded) does evoke a bit more animated image in the old brain. :)

Write on, Sage!

Vicky said...

OMG, I wet my pants on the "scolded dog" part!!!! I used to love reading the ads when I lived down south. I'll never forget the guy who was selling his car because he made a "missteak and got a wreckless driving ticket." But this one is the best ever!

Kim said...

Crap! I'm just real concerned about the thing in your sidebar, adding me to your will.

lilsis said...

I really think you should keep your neckedness to yourself.